Tolkien's next top model
by Rubiie
Summary: It's Lord of the Rings. It's Next Top Model. Together! Will the models be able to pull it together, or will they crack under the pressure?
1. Tolkien's next top Model

The whole room is pitch back, suddenly a figure clothes in white emerges from out of the shadows, throws back her hood, and stares dramatically at the audience. "You want to be on top?" Galadriel said.

The scene cuts to the fellowship standing around looking bewildered in haute couture bathing suits. Boromir tries to shield as much of his body as he can with his shield. Everyone huddles together except for Legolas, who flips his hair and gives the audience an insane amount of smizing.

The scene then cuts to individual shots of the models. Frodo is first, and bless him, holds up the ring and looks hopeless.

Sam attempts to hit the camera with a frying pan. Merry and Pippin do classic modeling poses, Aragorn stands around nervously, Boromir hides behind his shield again, Gandalf leans on his staff and smizes, Legolas waves at the camera and winks, and lastly, Gimli hit's the camera with his axe, causing it to fall over.

Galadriel is now shown. "Welcome to Tolkien's next top model. You know, a lot of you out there think it's easy being pretty. Well _it's not_. Anyway, let's introduce you to our judges!"

-Camera pans over to the judges table. Galadriel suddenly pops up and points out the judges.-

"Here we have noted fashion photographer, and my husband, Celeborn."

Celeborn is about to wave when Galadriel cuts him off. "He says hi. Next we have our runway coach: Erestor!"

Erestor does a hair flip and smiles. "I'm excited to be here Galadriel!"

"I know you are."

"You know everything." Celeborn muttered.

Galadriel raised an eyebrow at him but said nothing. "And now, we're going to bring out the dolls! Erestor, do you want to add anything?"

"I certainly do! In addition to the fellowship being contestants, we have several surprise dolls that will be auditioning!" Erestor ran out of the judging room, "Come along Celeborn, we have to greet the dolls!"

Standing outside, still in their bathing suits, the fellowship stood waiting for what to do next. The judges came out and greeted them. "Hello dolls!"

"Hello," grumbled back the fellowship.

"Today, we're going to do something fun!" Erestor clapped his hands together, "We're going to make you all do an…obstacle course!"

"And not just any obstacle course," added Celeborn, "you're going to be competing in an obstacle course that involves putting on your own makeup, picking out an outfit to wow us, showing us how you fight some orcs, and having to crawl through mud, all while looking fabulous!"

The fellowship's mouths dropped.

"Also, you're going to have to work extra hard because we have other dolls that want to be in this, and well, we don't have enough beds and we don't feel like feeding all of you. Anyway, let's bring out your competition!" Erestor waved his hand and from off camera came; Eomer, Faramir, Elrond, Grima Worm tongue, Gollum, Bilbo and Elladan and Elrohir, already done with their makeup and their admittedly wow factor outfits on.

Celeborn pulled out a starting gun from inside his sleeve. "3...2...1...Go!"

The fellowship began running in different directions, Aragorn went straight for the orcs, while Merry and Pippin went straight for the outfits. Legolas skipped of towards the makeup station. "Oh! Cover girl!"

"Let go of the dress!" Merry tugged at a sleeve of a dress he and Pippin were fighting over.

"You let go!" Pippin tugged harder at the dress. Eventually, the dress ripped in two, so both the hobbits were wearing half a dress.

Sam was helping Aragorn and Boromir slaying the orcs. "I don't think we're fabulous enough!" Sam moaned.

"No! We have to be better than those other bitches! I _have _to be more fabulous than my brother!" Boromir plunged his sword into a nearby orc.

* * *

><p>At the end of the obstacle course, the only one not filthy and sweating was Legolas. The other members of the fellowship glared at him.<p>

"What? I can't help it if the rest of you got filthy. I'm like…immune to filth!"

Erestor jumped in front of them. "Galadriel will see….hm…you." he pointed at Gandalf.

"This is scarier than fighting a balrog." He said.

"Yeah, well, being a model isn't all about being pretty." Erestor said in a matter of fact way.

Gandalf stepped in front of the judges.

"Gandalf?" Galadriel asked him, reading from a clip board.

"Yes."

"Ok, give us the best model walk of your life."

Gandalf nodded and strutted forward, he stumbled a couple of times because of his Alexander McQueen heels, but kept his posture.

"Hm, pretty good, you stumbled a couple of times." Galadriel noted.

"But, it was fierce." Erestor said.

"Yes, B- for effort. So, tell us Gandalf, were are you from and why do you want to be a top model?"

"I'm from Valinor."

"Ooh, exotic." Erestor smiled,

"Um, yes, and I want to be a top model, because I can work with anything, and I'm willing to do anything."

The judges nodded. "Send in Aragorn next."

Aragorn stepped forward nervously.

"Ugh, who told you to wear _that_." Erestor said in a disgusted tone. "It's sooo Third age 2000."

Aragorn looked down. His outfit wasn't _that _bad, at least he had the legs to pull it off, unlike Gimli. "I went with a classical look?"

"No honey, the client is always right." Erestor pointed at him with his pen. "Keep that in mind."

"Whatever, just walk for us." Galadriel said.

Aragorn pushed forward his non-existence chest and strutted around the room like a cockerel.

"Wow." Celeborn said.

"I agree, I could just eat you up." Erestor stared at Aragorn.

"Ok, we have to get you out of here before we all die from fierceness." Galadriel fanned herself with her clip board. "Send in Sam and Frodo."

Sam and Frodo walked in nervously. Frodo faltered slightly and Sam fell.

Galadriel raised an eyebrow. 'I don't think we need to screen you two, send in Merry and Pippin."

"Fantastic. You two were born to be models." Celeborn said after Merry and Pippin had done their model walk.

"Yeah, but what's up with your outfits?" Erestor asked them.

"Oh, we were fighting over a dress and it ripped, so we tried to make the best of it." Merry gestured to himself and Pippin.

"Well it's not horrible, you were rather clever to come up with a sari, Pippin." Galadriel said.

"Thank you."

"And Merry, I never would have guessed your skirt was a dress until someone told us. But purple lame is very 70's." Celeborn said.

"Yeah, but they rocked it, I mean look at them!" Erestor said, "Normally if a model ripped a dress, another model would throw them under the bus, but these two haven't they've worked with what they have, and that shows talent."

"And a willingness to compromise." Galadriel added.

* * *

><p>"I think you need to drop the axe and straighten your back a bit." Galadriel told Gimli as he was next.<p>

"Yes, it needs work, but the potential is there." Erestor said.

"And last but not least, send in Boromir." Celeborn announced.

"Wait! What about me?" Legolas ran into the room. "I can walk better than the rest of them combined! Just look at my outfit! I'm gorgeous!"

"We know, that's why we're not screening you." Celeborn pointed out.

Galadriel nodded. "Your already so good that there's no point"

"Really?" Legolas asked excitedly.

"Yes, now be a lamb and bring in Boromir for us."

Legolas dragged Boromir into the judging room by his ankles. "I'm not good enough! I can't do it! Faramir is fiercer than I am!" He said.

"Of course you can do it Boromir, just pretend that their not there!" Legolas let go of Boromir's ankles and skipped out of the room.

Boromir stood in front of the judges, shaking slightly.

"Hi Boromir, tell us where you're from and why you want to be a model." Erestor said.

"Well, I'm from Gondor."

"Ooh," Erestor "How, rugged. Sorry, continue please."

"Well, I really want to be a top model because I want to prove that I'm more than just a pretty face."

"It's a very pretty face," Erestor fluttered his eyelashes at Boromir, "You know, you're brother is also potentially in this competition, would you throw him under the bus if you could be Tolkien's next top model?"

"Um, no. I love my brother and I want to put him before myself."

"Aw, that's so sweet, ok you can go now." Galadriel waved him off.

Galadriel looked straight into the camera, "When we come back, we'll have the results of who's staying and who's going."

-Insert a couple of commercials-

TNTM comes back on, with Galadriel standing in front of the judges table holding several photos in her hands. She also had an outfit change and was looking even better than usual.

The camera cuts to see the competitors standing on platform, all eagerly awaiting to be called to join TNTM.

"As you know, we took photos of you when you first arrived. You see, there are 17 of you, but I only hold 13 photos in my hands. And the first person I will call is," Galadriel flipped a picture over, "Aragorn, congratulations, you are now officially in TNTM."

Aragorn walked forward and smiled at Galadriel. "Thank you." He took his photo and stood on a slightly smaller platform that was facing where the audience would be.

"Next, Faramir, Sam and Frodo, Merry and Pippin." Galadriel was throwing their photos at them, obviously she wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

All of the men grabbed for their photos frantically and strutted over to where Aragorn was standing.

"Legolas, Gandalf, Eomer, Elrond, Grima Worm tongue." Galadriel threw their photos at them.

"Boromir," Galadriel said, "Get your booty up here!"

Boromir looked relieved and model walked up to Galadriel.

"Work it girl!" Yelled Erestor. Celeborn gave him a weird look.

"Ok, there are 4 of you but only one of you will be joining us." Galadriel looked at each of the remaining models-to-be on the platform. "Bilbo, you may be old, but you still got it. Gollum, you impressed us with your walk, and you had the best photo of the group. But you need to work on your accent. Elladan and Elrohir. I've known you since birth and I still can't tell you two apart. You seem to work of each other, but can you work when it's just one of you? So the last person to be in Tolkien's next top model is…" Galadriel flipped the last photo over, "Gollum."

Gollum stared wide eyed at her. "Precious? Precious is in?"

The judges nodded.

Gollum did his Gollum walk up to Galadriel and took his photo. "Thank you."

Galadriel looked at the rest of men still up on the platform. "Come here and give me a hug."

Elladan, Elrohir and Bilbo hugged Galadriel. She let go of them, "Now, just because you boys aren't in, doesn't mean you have to give up your dream, keep what I said in mind, and work on it."

The elves and the hobbit nodded and left the room.

Galadriel turned to the models. "Now, just because you boys are in, doesn't mean your safe." She threw some keys to Aragorn, which hit him on the forehead. "Go to your new house and get some sleep, you boys are going to have to get up early tomorrow."

* * *

><p>I apologize if someone has already done this, because if you have, then I had no idea. I don't mean to rip you off or anything, there's a lot of LOTR fanfic out there.<p>

Erestor; who doesn't just love him? He's defiantly Miss. Jay. And I'm not making fun of Miss Jay or Erestor, personally I love Miss Jay and Erestor, like Jay, is a bit of comedic relief.

Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Mysterious option D?


	2. The girl who broke the loom

-Last week on Tolkien's Next top model-

Galadriel appears on the TV screen again, looking fantastic, even by elf standards. "The dolls participated in an obstacle course." Galadriel's is now heard via voice over while the scene cuts to highlights of the fellowship slaying orcs, applying makeup. Next a shot is shown of Eomer, Elladan, Ellrohir, Gollum, Bilbo and Elrond, Grima and Faramir all glaring at the fellowship and looking fierce. Then lastly Merry and Pippin ripping the purple lame dress accidentally. "They then had to be screened by our judges." The scene cuts to Merry and Pippin dancing around the judging room. "Later, at panel-"

Galadriel's voice trails off while clips of last week's panel are shown. Then, the TNTM intro is played. After that's all done with, Galadriel is show standing in front of her mirror. "Well, let's take a look at what the dolls are doing today!"

The camera does that weird zoom in on the mirror and we're shown the fellowship and co opening the door to their new house.

"Wow! It's so big!" Pippin stopped in the middle of the hall. "Is there any closets?"

Boromir and Faramir pushed past him and ran into the bedrooms. "There's TONS of closets!" Boromir yelled excitedly.

"Wait, wait, we have to figure out who's staying in what room." Aragorn held up his hands and sighed.

"What? We just don't sleep wherever?" Pippin stared at Aragorn.

"No, you just can sleep wherever," Aragorn said.

However, as customary for TNTM, it was first come, first served. So, the hobbits ran into the Shire room and claimed that for their own, Aragorn and Gandalf got the Lorien room, as Gandalf yelled that his staff needed its own bed. Legolas, Elrond and Eomer ran into the Rivendell room and locked the door, Boromir and Faramir claimed the Gondor room, which left Gollum and Grima in the Rohan room.

While Gollum and Grima were unpacking in their room, the rest of the models barricaded them in the room using a chair so they couldn't get out. They were left in there for several hours.

* * *

><p>The next day, the fellowship and co were riding in the mega-TNTM bus. Grima and Gollum were on one side of the bus, while the rest of the models were squashed up against the other side. Eomer had his sword pointed at Grima, implying that if he came any closer, he'd practically impale him.<p>

When they got off the bus, they saw Arwen and Eowyn standing in front of a studio. "Dolls," Eowyn said, smiling, "Do you know why you're here?"

The models shook their heads.

"You're here because you're going to do: karaoke!" Arwen batted her eyelashes at Aragorn, who stood there and smiled with a dazed look in his eyes.

"Yeah, karaoke," Eowyn glared at Arwen. Eowyn pulled a hat from out of nowhere and dug out a name from the hat. "And the first person to sing is: Faramir!"

The models followed Arwen and Eowyn into the studio so the didn't have to sing out in the open. Faramir pressed a button on the karaoke machine and grabbed a microphone.

And that's when the music started. "When a man loves a woman!" Faramir began singing, looking straight at Eowyn. "Can't keep his mind on nothing else!"

After Faramir's performance, which left Eowyn blushing furiously, Frodo went next. "Stronger than yesterday! Now it's nothing but my way."

Everybody clapped, Frodo sounded just like Britney Spears. Merry and Pippin did a duet of "I'm every woman" Sam sang "A hard days' night" Gollum sang "Maxwell's silver hammer" but replaced silver hammer with, "my precious." And Eomer sang "I'll make a man out of you."

Gandalf, who was swaying slightly since getting of the bus went next. He began dancing when the music came on, stood turned away from then, and when one of the few lyrics of the song came up, he jumped around and shouted, "Tequila!"

"I think he found the hidden alcohol stash," Arwen whispered to Eowyn.

Aragorn picked up the microphone next. "And I will always love you!" He pointed at Arwen, who almost fainted from happiness.

Legolas did a hair-flick and spent several minutes before he picked out a song. "You were working as a waitress at a cocktail bar, when I met you. I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around."

Elrond wouldn't sing no matter what anyone tried to do, so Boromir went instead. "Turn around, every now and then, I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round."

And lastly, Grima had his turn. "You're still the one I run to, the one that I belong to, you're still the one I want for life."

Faramir nearly tackled Grima, because everyone knew that Grima was singing to Eowyn, and that Eowyn would sooner spit on Grima than go out on a date with him.

When all the horrible signing was done and over with, Eowyn announced the winner, but not without some constructive criticism.

"So, the best of the group is: Faramir, Aragorn, and Frodo. But we can only pick one of you."

Arwen nodded. "The worst of the group was: Elrond, because you didn't sing. Sorry ada," Arwen hid behind Eowyn when Elrond gave her the world famous "look over the shoulder while raising eyebrow like bitch what you say look", "The others were, Sam, you were out of key, and Gandalf, because there wasn't enough lyrics to qualify. That, and because you were drunk."

"So the winner is: Frodo!" Eowyn announced.

Frodo started acting like a diva. "Oh my god! I won? Cool! What do I get?"

"You get: NOTHING!" Eowyn grinned evilly.

"What?" Frodo starred at her, dumbstruck. "I don't get anything? No extra frames on a shoot? No jewelry or dresses? Not even dinner with Erestor?"

Arwen and Eowyn shook their heads.

"Then what was the point of all that?" Frodo asked.

"We thought it'd be fun."

* * *

><p>Back at the house, the models are standing around in the kitchen, eating a lot, because they have model figures and they can, damn them. Grima and Gollum kept trying to sneak in and be part of the conversation, but Eomer would jump onto the table and wave his sword at the pair of them, so they gave up and sat on the couch, looking dejected and hungry.<p>

"I can't believe you won the first challenge, and didn't get anything." Said Legolas, who was sitting cross legged on the kitchen table and eating cheesy puff things.

Frodo pouted. "It was a stupid challenge."

"They said I was off key!" Sam cried into his gallon size tub of Neapolitan ice-cream.

"At least you weren't as bad as Boromir," Aragorn said, trying to cheer him up.

Boromir put his hands on his hips, "_Excuse me? _I was _not _bad, if you ask me, you sounded like a cat being strangled!

"No body asked you and besides I don't see _your_ hot, immortal girlfriend around anywhere!" Aragorn took out the evenstar and held it in Boromir's face. "What's that? I don't hear you."

Boromir threw his bag of corn chips in Aragorn's face and stormed off to his bedroom. Everyone glared at one another until Gandalf fell of the kitchen counter, clutching a bottle of tequila and began snoring loudly.

For some reason I (the author) don't understand, is how there is always someone around to read the Tyra, or in this case, Tolkien mail. How do they know when the models are there so they can show them the message? Especially when they changed it from being mail to being text on a screen. Anyhow...

"Tolkien mail!" Pippin ran into the hall, almost skidding on the floor because he was wearing footed pajamas, even though he was a hobbit and didn't really need to wear footed pajamas. "Guys?" He yelled. "Guys! I said Tolkien mail!"

Slowly the rest of the models filled into the hall. The palantir slightly glowed red and then the models began reading the Tolkien mail out loud.

"You're here one day, and gone the next. But some things last forever. Can you?" All the models screamed at the end and began excitedly chatting about what the challenge would be.

* * *

><p>The scene then cuts to Erestor and Glorfindel (who is Mr. Jay in this) standing in front of a forest. The models climbed off the bus and waved at the two of them.<p>

"Hello models." Erestor said.

"Hello!" The models said.

"I guess you're wondering about the challenge?" Erestor said happily. The models nodded. "Well as you know, some things last forever, and those things are?" Erestor nudged Glofindel.

"The valar!" Glorfindel announced.

All the models clapped their hands and looked excited.

"Wait, wait, there's more than that." Erestor said, "You'll be working today in _teams_."

-Cut to commercial break-

The models are now in the makeup trailer being made up.

"Who do you think we're going to be?" Aragorn asked excitedly. "And who do you think we'll be teamed up with?"

The makeup artist shook his head "Sorry honey, not allowed to say."

The first to come out of the trailer was Boromir and Sam, Boromir was carrying Sam because Sam couldn't walk in the heels they had given him.

Erestor popped up from behind a bush. "Soooo, do you want to know who you are?" The models nodded. "Boromir is Aule, and Sam, you're Yavanna."

"What?" Boromir accidentally dropped Sam.

"You're going to be the Valar." Erestor said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "One of you is the lords and one is the lady of whatever."

Glorfindel strutted up next to Erestor, "So hop to it ladies! We don't have all day, get into character and make me believe that you are Aule and Yavanna!"

Sam and Boromir stared at one another and decided to make the best of it. Boromir held his hammer above his head and Sam pretended to be deeply interested in a flower on the ground.

Celeborn (who was taking the shoots) shook his head. "No, you don't get it, you have to work as a team! Not as yourself!"

Eventually something clicked in Sam and Boromir and started posing together flawlessly.

"Fantastic!" Celeborn shouted as Boromir picked up Sam as Sam threw a fistful of soil.

Next up was Gandalf as Varda, and Aragorn as Manwe. Gandalf did some Gandalf magic and made light come out of his palm, while Aragorn held Gandalfs hands and looked regal.

After Gandalf and Aragorn was Frodo as Nienna and Elrond as Ulmo. Elrond almost speared Frodo with his trident and Frodo, who was really in character, burst into tears and fell to the ground and acted very melodramatic.

Legolas was Orome, and Pippin was his spouse, Vana. They got off on an awkward start but towards the end the got really into it and completely blocked out Celeborn yelling at them to go.

Gimli was cast as Mandos, and had to have his beard and hair temporarily dyed black. Faramir was rolled as Vaire, even though he had terrible trouble faking how to weave. At one point, Faramir got his dress sleeves caught up in his loom. Gimli eventually grabbed his axe and chopped the whole loom to bits.

Eomer was Tulkas and Merry played Nessa.

Last was Grima as Irmo and Gollum as Este. It didn't go too well.

"And that is a wrap." Celeborn said whilst picking up the remains of his once beautiful camera.

-Another commercial break-

The models are now back at the house, sitting on the couch and drinking coffee or hot chocolate. Pippin and Merry were sharing a blanket.

"I don't think I did very well," Grima said, biting his nails.

"No, you didn't! Gandalf said and laughed. Grima glared at him and mumbled something incoherent.

"I think I did great!" Frodo said. "I really love my character, I really think I got a feel for her…suffering."

The rest of the models nodded and drank their beverages thoughtfully. Boromir gave a belch. "I think I did ok."

Faramir burst into tears. "I did horrible! I messed up the whole thing! Gimli, I' so sorry!" Faramir threw his arms around Gimli and cried. Gimli patted him on the back.

"You did fine, laddie."

The palantir suddenly went off with a loud Morod-ish sound. The models threw down their mugs and ran into the hall.

"One of you will not be continuing on in the hopes to become Tolkien's next top Model." They all recited.

"Well, the palantir isn't being very cryptic today." Elrond pointed out.

-The models are now standing in front of the judges-

Galadriel smiled at all of them from behind the judges desk. "Models. You know the prizes: a contract with J.R.R. modeling company, a spread in _20_ magazine, and a spread in _Elf Vogue. _Our celebrity judge is Glorfindel." Glorfindel waved. "This week you had a photo shoot where you had to pose as the Valar. We first want to see: Grima and Gollum."

Grima and Gollum walked together down the catwalk, arm in arm.

"So you two had to pose as?" Galadriel asked.

"Irmo and Este." Grima answered for the both of them.

A picture showed up on Galadriel's mirror of Grima and Gollum. Gollum's wig had fallen off and Grima was lunging for Gollum's neck.

"It's not very…." Erestor trailed off, trying to find the word.

"Coordinated." Celeborn said.

"You didn't work very well together." Glorfindel pointed with his pen. "And in the modeling world, you have to at least pretend to like the other model to get the shot."

Galadriel nodded and Gollum and Grima walked back to their assigned places on the stairs.

"Up next, Boromir and Sam."

Their picture showed up. Boromir laying in the grass with a hammer in his hand, and Sam in a green dress, laying with his head on Boromir's chest with a far away look in his eyes.

"Generally I like it." Erestor said.

"But, Sam, you didn't smize." Galadriel said. "You should have done this, instead of this." Galadriel showed Sam a smize look vs. a not smized look.

Sam nodded.

"I think it works well, and it was really hard for this to not look like two guys laying in the grass. You two made it work." Glorfindel flicked his hair.

Next was Frodo and Elrond. "Frodo, you were the challenge winner." Galadriel announced. "But you didn't win anything."

Frodo shook his head. "No. I wasn't very happy."

Elrond and Frodo's photo appeared in Galadriel's mirror. Frodo was laying near a tree and crying, while Elrond was stooped over and wiping the tears from Frodo's cheek. The judges said all the obvious things, such as it worked, they were still modeling while looking sincere etc.

Gimli and Faramir were told off for breaking the set and for looking dead in their photo. Aragorn and Gandalf got praise for their creativity, especially Aragorn for looking regal. Legolas and Pippin had the same basic thing told to them.

Eomer and Merry were last. Their picture showed them sat on a rock and acting like love birds. The judges said they should have used the set more, but other than that, they did quiet well.

-Another commercial break-

Galadriel stood in front of the judges table now, holding the photos in her hands, the models filled into the room.

"You know the drill I have X amount of photos in my hands but Y amount of you are staying in the competition."

Erestor began painting his nails. Galadriel raised an eyebrow at him but didn't say anything. Galadriel looked at the models again. "The top photo of the week is: Aragorn and Gandalf."

The two of them walked forward, took their photo and stood to the side.

Galadriel took a deep breath. "Sam, Eomer, Pippin, Boromir, Elrond, Merry, get up here!"

Those who were called pranced happily up to her and took their photos.

"Grima, Legolas, Frodo! Which leaves Gollum and Boromir in the bottom two."

After Grima, Legolas and Frodo joined the others, Gollum and Boromir walked towards Galadriel.

"Boromir, you are pretty and smart, but you can't destroy sets. Gollum, you're an unusual beauty, but you're inability to work with others won't get you far in the modeling world. I only have one photo in my hands. The dolls who will continue in Tolkien's next top Model is," Galadriel flipped over the photo. "Boromir."

Gollum ran out of the room before Galadriel could give him a hug.

* * *

><p>Traditionally, the models get a makeover before their photo shoot, I'll put it in the next chapter.<p>

Thanks Strawbaby Chick for the idea of making the models sing!

Any questions about the Valar or the songs or anything else, just ask.


	3. The girl who couldn't swim

-Last week on Tolkien's next top model-

Galadriel is shown standing in front of her mirror, she waves her arm and shots of the previous week's episode is show. One in particular: Frodo singing _Stronger_. Next was Gandalf falling of the kitchen counter, Sam and Boromir posing together and Gollum running out of the room before Galadriel could give her words of encouragement and the other models could give him a goodbye hug, not that any of the models _wanted_ to give Gollum a good bye hug.

-Cue the opening credits!-

The models are lounging around in the pool of their massive house, because every top model house had a pool.

"Splash!" Faramir yelled and splashed water in Elrond's face.

Elrond shook the water out of his eyes. "Not funny, human. Especially when I have a certain amount of power over the water.

Faramir pouted and splashed Elrond again. "Stop it!" Eomer yelled. "I just got my hair did!"

Faramir and Elrond both looked at each other before grabbing Eomer and dunking him under the water. Eomer came up sopping wet, and really pissed. "You ruin everything!" He yelled and stormed off into the house.

-Random model confession thing time-

Eomer sighs and looks at the camera. "Of course I'm mad at them for getting my hair wet. Do they think my hair is this fantastic looking all the time? No. Not even Legolas' hair is perfect all the time.

-Legolas is now in the confession booth model thing.-

"All elves have great hair. It's just something the Illuvatar blessed us with. Hey, did you know that the first born elves didn't have bellybuttons? Anyway, there's a rumor going around the model house that _Gimli_ has nicer, softer hair than _I _do. Can you believe that?" Legolas ran his fingers through his hair. "Maybe his beard, he's got a ZZ Top thing going on, but defiantly not his hair." Legolas pointed at the camera to prove his point.

Eomer pulled a towel around him and stomped into the entry hall. Unbeknownst to the models, a wall had been erected in the middle of the hall with words written all over it. "Blonde and long? Curly and brown? Fiery red?" Eomer mouthed. He shook his head. "Guys?" Eomer said. "Guys!" he yelled.

The models all came in, not bothering to get a towel and dry themselves. Frodo was the last in, and slipped and fell on the floor.

Eomer pointed at the wall. Gandalf took a closer look at it. "The Victoria Beckham? Black Bob? I think we're getting makeovers."

The models groaned. Legolas clutched at his hair desperately.

* * *

><p>The next day, the models pilled into the TNTM mega-bus. Since Gollum was gone, the models were relaxed slightly, but Grima was still on thin ice. Eomer and Faramir hadn't forgotten Grima's attempted pass at Eowyn.<p>

"My god, Pippin, what the hell are you wearing. You smell like a skunk?" Merry said.

Pippin looked like he was about to cry. "It's Channel no 5. I…I thought that it smelled good on my."

"Ok, 1. Where did you get enough money to buy Channel? You never work. And 2. It smells awful." Aragorn pointed at him with his nail file. "Don't wear it again."

The bus suddenly lurched to a stop and the models filed out of the mega-bus. Glorfindel stood in front of them with Orophin and Rumil.

"Models." Glorfindel said. "Do you know why you're here?"

The models nodded.

"Good, I want to introduce you to Orophin, he'll be your hair stylist from now on, instead of having some nameless human doing it. I mean, he's had lots more experience, haven't you?" Orophin nodded. Glorfindel smiled. "And Rumil here will be your makeup artist, he's really good at it. Also, they can't speak common tongue, so they're perfect and they get the job done."

Orophin and Rumil nodded, even though they had no idea what he had just said.

Glorfindel clapped his hands. "Ok, let's get your makeovers done shall we?"

The models followed Glorfindel into the salon. Other hair stylists came forward to take the models to get their hair done. Glorfindel came up to Boromir first. "Hi honey, how are you feeling?"

"Nervous." Boromir admitted.

Glorfindel nodded. "Well, we love your hair, so we're just going to dye it a nice, dirty blonde. "

Boromir let out a sigh of relief. "Thank gods."

"Only, there is a catch." Glorfindel pulled out a skimpy outfit from out of nowhere. "You'll have to wear this when you're done and model."

"Legolas, we're thinking, cut it all of, dye it brown and make it wavy." Glorfindel pointed out.

Legolas' mouth dropped. "What? you're cutting off my hair?"

Glorfindel snapped his fingers and several elves came out to hold Legolas down so his hair stylist could cut his hair. Legolas began screaming and thrashing about. Glorfindel snapped his fingers again and Legolas fell unconscious.

It turns out Elrond was the one to have the bob cut, and he pulled it off quite nicely. Eomer got several wavy blonde extensions, Pippin had his head shaved, Gandalf had his hair thinned and dyed so it was now less Gandalf the Grey and more Gandalf the white. Sam had his hair dyed brown, Faramir got the Victoria Beckham cut and Frodo got long black extensions.

"Wow, I look just like Nienna now!" Frodo began playing with his extensions. "Ooh, I'm an octopus! Fear my tentacles!"

Gimli's hair was almost left alone, except for some highlights being put in and his beard being washed.

Next, came Aragorn. It took an hour just to get all the grease out of his hair.

"Good gods man, have you ever washed your hair?" Glorfindel stood back, completely aghast.

Aragorn shook his head. His hair stylist set to work about shaving most of his hair off.

Merry was last to be seen. He was crying. "I hate it!" He said when his stylist held up a weave of red hair. "I don't want that _thing_ in my hair!"

Glorfindel shook his head. "You either have the extensions or you are disqualified from TNTM."

"That's not fair!"

"Model life not fair," Rumil said in broken common tongue.

"He's right." Added Orophin.

Eventually Merry had the monster weave put in his hair, but he was still crying and was now holding his head in his hands. "It hurts!"

Pippin wheeled over to him in his spindly chair. "Yep. That's the price of beauty." He ran his hands through his now short hair. "I love mine, I really think it brings out my ears."

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>The palantir made a mordor-ish sound when the models got home. Merry had recently applied an ice pack to his head and Eomer kept flicking his hair, just to annoy Legolas.<p>

"We hope you enjoyed your time in the pool, because it'll come in handy." The models read aloud.

"Holy shit we have to pose underwater!" Frodo yelled.

"Is it just me or has the palantir just completely given up being cryptic?" Asked Gandalf.

"I think the author is starting to give up and introduce an underwater theme early on so the author can add in the animal photo shoot later, cause we know the author is dying to write that." Aragorn said. The models looked up into space, supposedly trying to see the author. Which they will never get, as they weren't suppose to somewhat break the fourth wall.

"I…can't swim!" Sam moaned.

Gimli elbowed him, "Don't worry laddie, we'll help you learn."

-Insert a couple of commercials.-

The next day the models showed up to the studio where Glorfindel was standing with another mystery person. As the models got off the bus, Gimli tripped Grima and made him scrape up his knees and hands. Grima glared at Gimli, who shrugged and walked off to stand next to Aragorn.

"Models, we have a very special photographer with us today. He's shot Galadriel many, many times, and has been featured in _Elf Vogue _and _Elf Vogue: Valinor_. Please meet: Tom Bombadil!"

Tom waved at the models. "Ring a ding dilo! Tom Bombadilo!" He said and rocked back and forth.

"Er, right, ok." Glorfindel shuddered. "Today you will be posing underwater, but that's not it. You will have to be embodying GoldBerry. So, try you're best. Because if you're best isn't good enough, then you'll be out of the competition."

After hair and makeup, courtesy of Orophin and Rumil, Aragorn went first. He was struggling with his outfit as it hide very little and his eye makeup was over the top. Rumil had added little bits of coral on Aragorn's eye lids, so he couldn't see very well.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi sweetie, get on into the tub." Glorfindel said from behind a computer.

"Yeah, I can't see very much."

"Bless him, I don't think Rumil got the concept." Glorfindel whispered to Tom, as it was an underwater shoot with water lilies and having to draw inspiration from Goldberry and not an "under the sea" little mermaid theme.

Tom poked his head up from his bag of water lilies he had brought with him. He dumped them into the tub and strode over to Aragorn. "You'll be underwater, so you won't see anyway. But if you're having trouble getting into the tub, we'll help you." Tom grabbed Aragorn's arm and pulled him up the ladder to the tub and pushed him in. He then ran to his camera and began clicking wildly. "No! No! No! You have to pose! Not drown!"

Aragorn pulled himself up to the surface and took in several lungful of air. He dove back down and began modeling.

Grima was next, and surprise surprise, was dressed in black. During one of the pictures he grabbed a water lily and used it as a prop.

Sam struggled a lot as he still didn't have much luck swimming. Every few seconds he would rise to the surface and hyperventilate. He also got caught up in his underwater silk dress and almost drowned, had it not been for Frodo running to rescue him.

Tom smiled and waved Sam off.

Gandalf, wearing a grey and white ombre mini dress, dove right into the tub and began acting just like a model should.

"Perfect!" Tom said. "Why couldn't Sam be more like you?"

Merry, Boromir and Eomer all struggled in the beginning but eventually got in a few good shots at the end. Pippin acted like a mermaid and was yelled at by Glorfindel for not acting more like a water spirit.

Frodo, with his black extensions, acted like Nienna and feigned fainting into the tub of water and began miming wanting to be let out of the tub and looking gracefully, elongating his limbs, etc.

Elrond was fantastic, he modeled his blue/grey flowy dress perfectly and even did his Elrond magic and made some water creatures.

Legolas did an acceptable job because he was still mad about having his hair chopped off. When he was done, he ripped off the bits of coral Rumil had stuck on Legolas' eye lids, and stomped off.

Gimli jumped right in with his battle axe. He swung his beard over his shoulder and modeled his dwarf heart out.

Faramir was nervous because of his critique last week, so much so that Glorfindel had to stop the photo shoot to talk to him. After their little chat, Faramir had calmed down slightly and began working what his mother gave him.

Pippin went last and did a great job, despite having a lily stuck to his face, thanks to Rumil. He was dressed in a pink dress that had a sweetheart neckline. He was also one of the few that had to wear shoes on the shoot, granted that they were strappy heeled sandals. Tom had nothing negative to say.

-More commercials-

-Back at the model house.-

"How do you think my walk is? Good? Bad?" Gandalf asked as he practiced walking down the catwalk in their house.

"I think it's really good, _for someone your age_." Elrond muttered.

"What? You're like, older than me!"

"Yes, but I don't look my age." Elrond said, indifferently.

Gandalf glared at him, "You know there is only one way to settle this."

"Pillow fight!" The yelled in unison.

A note here should be added about Gandalf and Elrond's pillow fights. The pillows do not have feathers in them, they have chess pieces, cheese, ice cream and (Erestor's) books in them. So when you get hit, you actually get hit.

However, they got bored of just fighting amongst themselves and decided to take their rage out on the other models. Frodo flailed around, eventually running into his room and hiding under the covers. Aragorn decided to join in the pillow fight, only his pillow was filled with dirt. Grima didn't take to well to being hit with cheese, ice cream and dirt, so he crawled onto the roof and stayed there for the rest of the night.

* * *

><p>The palantir let out a morod-ish sound again and the models, save for Grima, came running.<p>

"Y'all know how this goes, one of you is leaving. Now shut up and leave me alone." The models read aloud.

"Is the palantir PMSing or something?" Merry asked, before his hair attacked him and he writhed on the floor, tangled in his hair.

-More commercial breaks yay (not really)-

Galadriel was sitting with the rest of the judges in a sparkly lilac dress, because she wanted to show that white wasn't the only color she wears. Erestor was on her right, absentmindedly doodling Aragorn on a piece of paper. Celeborn was smiling at his wife with doe eyes. And the special guest, Tom, was hanging upside down, weaving a basket.

The models stood on the stairs and waited for Galadriel to start talking.

"Models, this week you had a photo shoot with Tom Bombadil…"

"Hi!" Tom said, still upside down.

"As I was saying you had a photo shoot and you had to be underwater. We would like to see…Merry first."

Merry walked forward, his red weave tied back in a ponytail, and he was wearing normal hobbit clothes.

Erestor raised an eyebrow. "You're a model, why aren't you dressed like one?"

Galadriel smiled. "What he is trying to say is that you should treat this, as if it were a casting call. And if you cam in wearing that, you would not be hired. Please keep that in mind."

Merry nodded and his picture showed up on Galadriel's mirror. It wasn't the worst picture and it wasn't the best picture.

"I think this photo was taken out of pure luck, you're body language is great, but when we zoom up into your face," Celeborn said as the camera zoomed in, "You're face is very dead."

Merry nodded. "I'm sorry, it's just this weave, and Rumil's makeup…"

"You can't say that when you are a model, there are models that are always coming up with excuses, but you need to find a way to make it work." Erestor said.

Merry went back to his spot on the stairs.

Aragorn stood before the judges.

"Look at that hair!" Galadriel said. "So nice and clean, I think you could marry Arwen after all."

"Really?" Aragorn clapped his hands as if he were a schoolgirl.

His photo appeared in the mirror.

"Lovely bone structure." Celeborn said.

"Excellent of you, using the lilies the way you did." Galadriel agreed.

"Why is the photo upside down?" Tom yelled.

"You're upside down Tom," Galadriel pointed out.

"Oh."

Grima went next. The judges were not happy, as he looked deader than Merry in his photo.

Frodo received good reviews for his photo, the judges also loved his new black hair. Frodo sashayed back to his assigned spot.

Gandalf had also done well, and Elrond too, as he was good with water.

Pippin was told that he had a very versatile look, now that his head was shaved.

Boromir, Faramir, Eomer and Gimli were told that they did a passable job. The judges noted that Glorfindel had had to calm Faramir down.

"We heard you had problems with the underwater theme Sam." Galadriel said.

Sam nodded. "I can't swim."

"Well, most models don't have many shoots underwater, so we guess that is ok. Just remember that when you have a booty, you have to be conscious about it." Erestor told him.

Legolas was last, and received the harshest critique.

"We heard that you had a hissy fit." Tom said, now sitting right side up.

Legolas pouted. "I hate my hair! I'm meant to be a blonde, not a brunette." He protested.

Galadriel frowned. "You agreed to be in this, so you know you would have a makeover. I know that lots of dolls hate their hair or their makeup, but they work through it to get the shot. And you ripped off your makeup, which really upset Rumil."

Legolas turned around and stomped back to the stairs.

Galadriel sighed. She got up and walked around to the front of the judges desk. "Top photo of the week is: Pippin."

Pippin skipped up and took his photo. "Thank you so much."

Galadriel smiled. "Merry, Boromir, Faramir, Frodo!" They ran up and grabbed their photos, all glad that they were still in the and would never have to do underwater shoots again in the competition.

"Elrond, Eomer, Aragorn, Gandalf!" Galadriel threw their photos at them.

"Grima and Gimli, you're still in!"

"Which leaves…" Celeborn said, sadly.

"Leaves Sam and Legolas in the bottom two." Galadriel stared at the two models.

They walked up to her, arm in arm.

"Sam, you're not a size zero model, and that is what designers are starting to look for. But you're photos are dead. Legolas, you're a pretty face, quick with a bow, and an all around joy. As long as you get your own way. You will have times where you don't want to do what the director says, and you have to do it anyway. So the model who will be staying with us is" Galadriel flipped over the last photo. "Sam."

Sam sank to his knees and began to cry. "Thank you." He ran off and joined the others.

Legolas looked sour. Galadriel held out her arms and awkwardly hugged Legolas. After many goodbye hugs from the rest of the models, Legolas walked off camera.

-Legolas' last screen time-

"Yeah, I'm mad that I'm out. But I mean, my hair! It took me decades to grow it out and to have it the way I wanted. I guess I'll try to work on my attitude. But my modeling career is way from over. This is just a stepping stone."

* * *

><p>Questions? Comments? Anything else?<p>

What do you guys think about Lego leaving the competition? Who do you think should have left?

The elf comment was by an English teacher I had, he said that the first born elves didn't have belly buttons. He's a giant Tolkien fan, and some of the humor in this is from his Tolkien rants.

Apologies for not updating sooner! I've been reading A song of Fire and Ice.


	4. The Girl with the lion

And I'm back, from a break. The internets gets the best of me I swear.

* * *

><p>-Last week on Tolkien's Next Top Model-<p>

The models are shown modeling under water, with Sam almost drowning and Frodo having to rescue him. Orophin and Rumil are shown being adorable, not understanding what everyone is saying. Pippin is given photo of the week and Legolas hugs the rest of the models before walking out of the judges room.

-Opening credits time!-

The rest of the models are on the super TNTM mega bus. As always, Grima is sitting on one side of the bus, while the rest are squished up against the other side.

"I can't believe Legolas is gone!" Merry wailed.

"You never liked Legolas very much." Pippin pointed out.

"Remember when Legolas tried to get us the sun?" Aragorn asked. "He was always so optimistic. Almost to the point where you wanted to kick him in the elfy-nuts."

"I say good riddance." Gimli said.

Elrond did his world famous -bitch-what-you-say look. "Are you trying to say something about elves?"

"No, not at all, all I'm saying is that we could do with less of you pointy eared freaks around." Gimli twirled his beard.

"Bitch what you say!" Elrond leapt for Gimli and began punching him.

Aragorn and Eomer had to pull him off Gimli. "Galadriel is always watching!" Aragorn hissed. 'If you're going to keep doing this then you'll get eliminated!"

"Let the bloody woman do what she pleases! There will always be friction between the children Illuvatar adopted and the children of his choice!"

-Commercial time!-

(Legolas appears on the screen, besides the fact that he's been eliminated) "Not everyone can look good as me." (a clip of Legolas' tossing his hair and smiling at the camera is shown the background has now caught on flames and has burnt down.) "And even I have my bad days." (another clip is shown of Legolas looking like he just got up out of bed, which is still admittedly fantastic.) "So, Cover elf has come up with a clever little trick." (Legolas holds up a pot of foundation in one hand) "Now, you can look like Luthien and Dior every single day."

(Legolas mimes putting on a dab of foundation and blending it in.) "And the great thing is, it's for men and women! Hypoallergenic, made with extracts of cucumber so it won't glob up! Easy, breezy, beautiful, cover Elf." (Legolas smiles at the camera)

-End commercial-

The models are back at the house, all are skulking around. Grima retreats into his bedroom with a copy of _The Notebook_ and a bag of nachos. Boromir and Faramir are painting one another's nails but no one is really happy.

-Frodo's model confession time thingy-

"It's like a light has gone from the house. I mean, Legolas was always such an optimist and whenever he flicked his hair a certain way things would burst into flame. Even thought I haven't known him for most of the quest, cause you know, I had to lug Sam and Gollum around."

Erestor suddenly walks into the model house. "Dolls!'

Of course, all the models come running to where Erestor is standing.

"So, you know how take pretty pictures, well _some _of you do anyway. You take pretty pictures and you say pretty things but now it's time to work on your walk."

The models shuffled around nervously.

"Aragorn, you're first, show me your walk."

Aragorn stepped up nervously and began strutting his stuff.

Erestor struck up a thinker pose. "You're bouncing a bit too much. Hold it back and you'll be good."

Elrond went next. "Fantastic!" Erestor yelled. "And not just because you're my boss."

Grima, Boromir and Faramir were shown on a split screen doing their walks, Grima stumbled slightly, but the brothers were almost model ready.

"Frodo." Erestor said. "You need to stand up straighter, because you're doing this, instead of _this_."

"Pippin, stop smiling. Merry, you're flat footed. Walk like you're wearing heels."

"I'm a hobbit!" Merry protested.

"Doesn't matter! Gimli, drop the axe, oh good, very good. See? So much better when you let your guard down."

"Eomer, shoulder back, perfect, perfect."

Then it was Sam's turn. Sam was never really very confident, so he tried his hardest, however he was over thinking and his walk was too stompy, like a horse.

Gandalf was last. He dropped his walking stick and began to strut it like he was born to.

"Dolls." Erestor clapped his hands together. "Tomorrow, you've got a runway, the palantir is a little PMS-y lately, so I have to tell you this instead."

"Told you." Frodo whispered to Aragorn.

"Frodo, please. Thank you. Anyway, work on your walk, all of you. See you tomorrow ladies!"

-Another commercial time!-

A picture of bows are shown. Hair bows. Then a dwarf is show eating soup, his beard falls in his soup. "I just wish one day my beard wouldn't get in my food!" The dwarf yells. Someone comes running up out of nowhere, taps him on the shoulder and gives him a hair bow. The dwarf ties the bow in his hair and begins eating his soup, with his bear safely bow-tied.

A voice over is heard. _"If you don't want hair in your soup, get hair bows from Troupe! Forged in the Mines of Moria, each has mithril embedded in it!_

-End commercial-

The next day, the models get of the Mega TNTM supa-bus. Erestor is waiting for them, and lo and behold there is a runway behind him. "Dolls," He said. "You have a runway to do. However, there's a catch. You have to do a runway, on animals."

A man popped out from nowhere. "Hi, I'm Turin Turambar. You might know me from my appearance in _The Silmarillion _most noted for accidentally marrying my sister. I blame that dragon. One day, one day I shall have my revenge! But for now, I'm going to help pick animals for you guys, and also you'll be photographed down the runway. We're throwing a challenge and a photo shoot into one."

"Why?" Sam yelled.

"Because Galadriel is going on holiday soon and we want to get this over and done with as soon as possible." Erestor said. He pulled out a hat. "Turin, will you do the honors of picking the animals?"

Turin reached inside and picked out a piece of paper. "Merry, Gorilla!"

Merry's jaw dropped. "I have to do a runway on a gorilla?"

"Yes. Ok, Gandalf, giraffe! Boromir, bear. Aragorn, lion. Sam, hippocampus."

"That's not a real animal!" Sam yelled.

"Shut up !" Erestor yelled, though he wasn't really serious.

"Faramir, Martha Stewart!"

Faramir raised an eyebrow. "I have to pose while getting a piggy back ride from Martha Stewart?"

Erestor nodded.

Turin picked out another piece of paper. "Pippin, since you're challenge winner, you get to ride a unicorn. Frodo, you get a kangaroo. Grima, you get a snowman, Gimli a yak."

"That's not an animal." Grima said. Gimli smiled. He liked yaks.

Turin shrugged. 'It's what the writer wants."

Writer: "Stop breaking the fourth wall!"

"Er, right sorry." Erestor said.

"Eomer, you get an elephant! And Elrond, you get the lord of birds-"

"An eagle?" Elrond said hopefully.

"No, a flamingo."

"Go get your outfits on ladies." Erestor smiled happily. "And someone get that snowman back in the freezer! I don't want him melting!"

Several assistants ran out and ushered the snowman back into the freezer.

As always, Rumil and Orophin were waiting for the models backstage. Orophin held up a hair dryer and Rumil had animal stickers.

"This guy does not know what he's doing!" Eomer whispered to Pippin.

"I know." Pippin tried to say as Rumil slapped several unicorn stickers on him.

"Pretty!" Rumil exclaimed and held up a mirror.

Pippin nodded, "Yes, very pretty."

Erestor and Turin came back a half hour later.

"Ok, Galadriel and Celeborn are out in the audience, so please don't mess up." Turin was holding a camera. "I'm going to shoot you when you get to the end of the runway. There's camera set up along the sides of the runway."

"How is everyone doing?" Erestor asked.

"Nervous." Aragorn said as he was stitched into a cheetah print mini dress. Rumil popped up next to him holding cheetah print heels. Aragorn sighed and put them on.

Turin and Erestor raised an eyebrow at one another.

Then, the runway started. Pippin was first, as he was challenge winner. The unicorn wasn't very happy with having to deal with a hobbit and almost tore a hole in Pippin's dress. (Gold and white to match the unicorn, medieval style)

'I don't want to do this!" He wailed to Erestor.

"Don't be like that." Erestor smacked the unicorn on it's hind quarters. The unicorn stood on it's back legs just as it reached the beginning of the runway. Cameras clicked wildly. Pippin held on for dear life, and knew that he would not get top photo of the week.

Merry was next. As we all know Gorillas are not the most graceful animal to have to piggy back ride. They sort of walk on their knuckles. However, Merry made the most of it and held on with one hand to the gorilla's back and put his other hand on the back of his head. Luckily his hair had been pinned up, so the gorilla didn't trip. By the way, Merry was wearing a light purple dress. They almost went with pink.

Aragorn had trouble with his lion. And in the end gave up completely and strutted down the runway with the lion following him.

Gandalf let out a "charge!" And his giraffe went galloping down the runway. Gandalf climbed onto the giraffe's neck and looked fabulous.

Gimli and his yak strutted down the run way. The yak tossed it's head and Gimli nearly fell of.

Sam's hippocampus was a very placid animal-thing and made it very easy for Sam to hold on. And he didn't get his mermaid style green-pink ombre dress caught on anything.

Boromir and his bear were fantastic. Grima, wearing a cheerful yellow for a change was having a lot of trouble. His snow man was starting to melt. When he got to the point of the runway where Galadriel and co. were sitting, he almost fell off.

Up next was Frodo who half climbed into the kangaroo's pouch. He only had limited posing options, so he did some fancy vogueing. Eomer's elephant relieved itself on the runway and had to be stopped for a good 10 minutes before the runway was clean enough to continue. Eomer apologized constantly.

Finally, Elrond got his turn on his flamingo. Elrond was wearing a blue Grecian style dress. Which, actually did not clash with the flamingo's feathers. The flamingo kept squawking at the people in the audience.

Last was Faramir, getting a piggy back ride from Martha Stewart. His dress, ironically was "made" by Martha Stewart, in other words, her assistances made it. The dress was comprised of recycled materials, coffee filters, paper, glass, that sort of stuff. Martha almost dropped Faramir, as he was not small.

* * *

><p>At the end of the runway, Eomer and Turin would announce the winner.<p>

"Our top three are: Merry, Faramir and Frodo." Eomer said.

"Our bottom three are: Pippin, Aragorn and Grima." Turin said.

"However, the winner is: Frodo, for excellent vogueing!"

"You get," Turin gestured behind him, "A lovely sapphire necklace courtesy of Varda's , to go with your eyes and you can pick 2 friends to get necklaces as well."

"I pick….Elrond and….Pippin." Frodo said.

Pippin bear hugged Frodo. "Thank you!"

Erestor handed Pippin a tanzanite necklace, and Elrond a lapis lazuli necklace. "Back to the model house with you."

-Back at the models house-

Frodo tried on his necklace, "Isn't it pretty?"

Pippin nodded and tried his on. "I love it, thank you so much for picking me."

"Yes, thank you." Elrond shuffled around, not being use to saying "thank you."

Aragorn shut himself up in his room. "I know I'm going to be in the bottom two!" He moaned. "I can never do this! Why did I have to have a lion?" The camera zooms up on him bundled in his bed covers. "Go away!" He yelled at them and threw a stuffed animal at the camera.

Sooner or later, the palantir let out a sound like an ambulance's siren. The models filled into the hallway.

"Only X of you will be continuing on the be Tolkien's next top model. Now let me alone."

Gandalf shook his head. "I hate the palantir being all moody like this, let's go out an get some drinks."

Grima, Elrond and Sam and Boromir stayed behind so Aragorn, Faramir, Boromir, Frodo, Merry, Pippin, Eomer, Gimli and Gandalf went out for martini's and manhattans.

"I think I did really well," Gandalf took a sip of his martini. "I like giraffes, they don't eat meat."

"I did terrible!" Aragorn guzzled his drink. "I'm going home, I just know it!"

-Commercial time-

Another Cover Elf commercial is shown, this time for mascara. "I have a secret." An amazingly gorgeous elf said. "And I'm going to tell you what it is." Clips of the elf are shown holding the mascara tube, applying it at a café full of people, which is something normal people don't do. There's a little glitch however and the rest of the commercial is in French. "Ill suffit d'appliquer le mascara et dans 2-4 semaines, vous pouvez avoir plus cils! Tout le monde veut plus cils. Pourquoi ne pas sauter dans le train? Bien sur, il porrait etre potentiellement dangerous, mais vous aurez cils incroyable, que votre la couleur des yeux peuvent changer, mais bon, les cils impressionnat. Facile, breezy, une jeune fille belle couverture.

Translation: Just apply the mascara and in 2-4 weeks you can have longer lashes! Everyone wants longer lashes. Why not jump on the bandwagon? Sure it could be potentially dangerous, but you'll have awesome lashes, sure your eye color could change, but hey, awesome eyelashes. Easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl.

-End commercial-

The models are now standing in front of the judges. Galadriel is rubbing pre-suntan lotion on her skin.

"You had a photoshot/runway this week dolls our special guest judge is Turin," Celeborn said. "We would like to see our challenge winner, Frodo first."

Frodo stepped forward. His picture showed up on the mirror. In the kangaroo's pouch you could see Frodo's head to shoulders, and he was vougeing, and he had a perfect model pouty face.

"How was it inside the pouch?" Turin asked.

"Hot." Frodo answered.

Pippin was next. His photo wasn't very good, as he was screaming.

Merry and his gorilla got positive feedback.

"You look like Jane Goodall's daughter." Galadriel said. "It looks really pretty and really strong too."

Aragorn was slammed for "not actually using the lion the way we asked, it just looks like a model with a lion, not a model riding a lion" etc etc.

Grima stepped up to the judges table.

"Whoa, hey honey, take a few steps back." Erestor said. Grima took 5 steps backwards.

"My snowman was starting to melt." He said.

"Your picture says otherwise." Erestor said sarcastically.

"Yellow really isn't your colour." Galadriel said. "We have to keep that in mind."

Gimli's picture was of the yak tossing it's head. Gimli was shown almost yelling, but it turned out to be a lucky shot of his still modeling but looking like some warrior princess defending her lands. Riding a yak.

"I want that dress." Erestor said and pouted. The dress in question was valkyrie style and metallic silver.

Boromir and Gandalf were both told they did a really good job, although Gandalf shouldn't have yelled charge in the middle of the runway show. Elrond was told he was fantastic even though your bird was annoying as hell.

Eomer started crying because he thought it was his fault his elephant acted the way it did. He had to leave the judging room for a few minutes before he was calm enough to listen to the judges critique.

"You did a very good job honey." Erestor said.

Galadriel nodded. "Just go sit down and take a few deep breaths.

Sam and his hippocampus were shown next on Galadriel's mirror. Sam was told he looked like a very serene, plus-sized Ariel.

Faramir was last. The picture of him was shown, Martha Stewart was almost collapsed under Faramir's weight and Faramir was posing like he was an arts and crafts god. The judges told him he had done a wonderful job and that Martha Stewart had broken her back. No one was really bothered.

Galadriel stepped out in front of the table with the pictures in her hands. "Ok, we know the drill. Picture of the week: Merry!"

Merry squealed, skipped up to Galadriel and took his photo.

"Runner up, Frodo!"

Now it was Frodo's turn to act like a teenage girl.

"Gandalf, Boromir, Sam, Pippin, Elrond!" Galadriel threw the photos into the air. Turin rolled his eyes.

Galadriel didn't see that and began to call out others names. "Faramir Gimli and Eomer." The three ran up and grabbed their photos. "Which leaves Aragorn and Grima in the bottom two."

Grima and Aragorn stepped forward.

"Two dolls before me. Aragorn, you're wonderful and brave and you've got a I can kick your ass look to you. But you need to do what the director says, otherwise you won't be hired for shows." Aragorn nodded.

"Grima, the doll with a unique look, but you make too many excuses. Plus you're not very personable, which is starting to show in your photos. So, the girl who stays is: Aragorn."

Grima began to cry and stood there while Aragorn gave Galadriel a hug and walked over to the models. Grima glared at Galadriel before stomping out of the room and refusing to speak to the camera.

Galadriel looked at the camera and shrugged.

"Dance party!" Celeborn yelled, grabbed Galadriel and began doing the tango. Dance music came on and the models began dancing. In Gandalf's case break dancing. Martha Stewart crawled down the stairs the models normally stand on opposite the judging table.

"My back," She said and scrabbled at the contestants ankles. "Please, get me to a hospital, my back-argh!"

At that point, Gimli accidentally trod on Martha.

* * *

><p>Thank you Strawbaby Chick for coming up with the first two commercial ideas. Without you this fanfic would not be as it is today.<p>

Legolas' hair tosses causing things to go up in flame belongs to Scargut-the-gutless on Deviantart. If you're (Scargut) reading this, please accept my humble mention of Lego's hair flicks as an offering to your fan art. They're great. Really.

I got so creative with the dwarf commercial. Dwarves don't care about commercials, they care nothing for the troubles of man!

Hi French people, I'm not perfect at French, but I think I did ok with the commercial.


	5. The girl who's a hoodie ninja

-Last week on Tolkien Next top Model-

Clips of the models posing on their animals are shown. Erestor shows the models how to walk like a model. Grima and gets the boot and Aragorn is happy. The models then dance around and Martha Stewart is crawling towards them, but Gimli steps on her back.

Galadriel pops up unexpectedly as no one has seen her in the opening credits in a while. She holds up her phial of Galadriel and it shines, temporarily blinding the audience and then...

-Opening credit time!-

The models are hanging around the house again. Frodo is draped luxuriously on the sofa watching TV. Sam is making awesome chocolate pancakes. Merry and Pippin are having a food fight with gluten free food, which does _not_ taste as bad as everyone says it is. Ok, the gluten free chocolate doesn't taste as good, as Merry and Pippin found out the first week they were in the house and would continually pelt Grima and Gollum with it.

Gandalf and Aragorn have finished up power washing the Rohan room. No one wanted to stay in there but no one wanted the stench of Grima and Gollum lingering in the house.

Eowyn is seen pulling up on her mustang (car, but I couldn't resist, cause Rohan=horse people) at the model's house. The front door is wide open, which is weird and unpractical because fangirls could show up at any moment. No one hears Eowyn coming up the stairs. She stands patiently in the hallway before realizing that no one is going to greet her, so she goes into the living room.

She kicked Frodo's legs off the sofa. "Wake up Frodo, we've got model work to do."

Frodo stared up at her. "Why? I just got all nice and comfy and Sam is making his killer pancakes!"

"Pancakes later, work first."

Grumbling, the rest of the models join the others in the living room. Eowyn smiles at them. "Dolls.:

They all grumble.

"Today, I'm going to teach you how to pose with props. One prop in particular: Swords! I trust you all have swords, so we can get straight to it."

Elrond was made to go first. He looked like a Jedi or one of those Dr. Spock people with his robes and ultra shiny sword.

Next went Gandalf. Who just used his staff, as he was taking a "say no to violence" stand lately after hitting Pippin accidentally whilst showing Eomer how to do a round house. With a sword. The trick was to hit your opponent with a kick and then smash them with the sword.

Merry and Pippin teamed up and used little stiletto daggers. They always work seamlessly.

Aragorn was a natural, of course. Frodo grumbled at first and then acted like movie version Frodo when he was trying to get to Mount Doom.

Eomer accidentally hit Sam with his sword. After a while he got into the swing of it and he and Eowyn preformed an improvised sword fight while still posing.

Sam was terrible. There's nothing else to add to it. Sam's just horrible with a sword.

Boromir and Faramir worked together as well and were kick ass. They mimed about to plunge their swords into one another. Eowyn was very happy with their results.

Gimli was last. He didn't like using a sword, dwarfs were more accustom to wielding hammers and axes. Swords just aren't for them. Maybe because they're so short.

"Good job!" Eowyn said, eyeing Aragorn then catching Faramir's gaze. She blushed slightly. "This will come in handy soon, so all please practice practice practice.

"Oh my gods!" Sam yelled. "I left the pancakes on!"

Everyone ran into the kitchen, where lo and behold, the pancakes were on fire. Sam grabbed a pitcher of water and threw it on the flames. Which didn't work. Gandalf was laughing manically in the background. The camera men were standing around, not doing anything. Eowyn was searching frantically for a extinguisher.

* * *

><p>About a half hour later, the models were cleaning up the burnt pancakes.<p>

"It's a shame that Gollum isn't here anymore." Eomer said.

"Yeah, we could have made him eat it." Faramir said, he wasn't Gollum's number one fan.

"He probably would have eaten it anyway." Boromir replied.

The three nodded in agreement.

Sam was sitting on the counter crying. "Eowyn was so mad at me! I bet she hates me now, I can tell. She'll say something to Galadriel and then she'll look at me and it'll be awful and I can't take the pressure!"

"Yeah, she probably would." Pippin said, jokingly.

Sam wailed and ran out of the room.

Pippin shrugged when the others gave him a look. "I was just joking."

Merry jumped in front of them. "Whoosh! He did snake arms. "Whoosh! Ooh, I'm a flame, better stay away from me, or I might set Faramir on fire, like his dad almost did! Whoosh!"

Faramir threw a sponge at Merry's head.

"Not nice." Merry pouted. "Fire, I'll teach you to burn. Fire I'll teach you to learn, I'll see you burn!" He did some more snake arms and whooshing before sliding on his knees, disco style.

Suddenly the Palantir made a loud bang and the models read aloud what it was saying. "I hope you got your sea legs and your nun chucks ready." They read out loud.

"What do you think that means?" Eomer asked.

"We're probably going to have to do another shoot with water." Gandalf said thoughtfully.

Elrond smiled. "I'm good at those sort of things."

"Only because you have a magic ring." Aragorn snorted.

* * *

><p>-Aragorn model confession time-<p>

"I don't like Elrond very much. I think he's fake and he's a real witch replace the w with a b. He's mean and he stares everyone down. Just cause his dad's like a light house with a silmaril stuck to his head." Aragorn pointed to his own forehead. "And because his parents left him doesn't mean he can get all moody all the time."

"I can hear you!' Elrond yelled.

"Meep!" Aragorn fell off his chair.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time!-<p>

A hobbit is shown cooking. He easily flips an egg and is then shown whisking something.

"Hi, I'm Fatty Bolger. The hobbit that didn't accompany the others to Elrond's house and got to be fabulously famous and wealthy and adored." He slammed a mixing bowl down on the counter. "Yes, I wanted to come with them but they told me to stay at Frodo's house. And you know, if I hadn't I wouldn't have to do this show." He sighed. "But I can't change the past. So tune in on Wednesdays at 5 Southern time to see my show: Bolger's Breakfast. I'll teach you how to make eggs, bacon, waffles, resentment, bitterness, angst..."

-End of commercial-

The next day the models are waiting around on an empty street. Erestor popped out from out of nowhere with Glorfindel by his side.

"I guess you want to know why you're here?" Glorfindel asked.

The models nodded.

"You're going to be posing as ninjas and pirates today!" Erestor almost burst from excitement.

Elrond's mouth fell open. "What?"

"Half of you are going to be ninjas and the other half of you are pirates." Glorfindel rolled his eyes. "You'll have a group shot and then you'll have a shot with the pirates and the ninjas in it together."

The models nodded.

"I want to be a ninja!" Pippin yelled. "I'm a ninja, I'm a hoodie ninja!" He began to sing, except Gimli kicked him in the shins.

Glorfindel pulled out the hat from out of nowhere. It is now refereed to as "the hat" as it makes an appearance almost every episode.

"Ok. Aragorn, Pippin, Elrond, Eomer, Merry. You're ninjas. Gimli, Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Boromir and Faramir, you're pirates." Erestor looked cautiously at Glorfindel.

"Are we sure it's a good idea to let Pippin be a ninja?" Erestor asked Glorfindel.

"A HOODIE NINJA!" Pippin yelled.

* * *

><p>Several hours later the ninjas were ready, as pirates would take longer in the makeup chair and Rumil had thought that he was to be doing the makeup this week. Turns out he wasn't since of what had happened last week. The models couldn't get the stickers off and the makeup turned out to be paint. At least Orophin could follow directions and wasn't completely overly eccentric. Rumil was as bad as Lady GaGa. Maybe worse.<p>

Pippin immediately took the lead. Glorfindel began clicking the camera wildly. "Fabulous Pippin. Hang on, Elrond, that's not how you hold a throwing star. Eomer, don't kill Aragorn just because your sister likes him. Merry, stop hyperventilating, it's not traditional ninja wear, but it's black and it's pop cultures idea of what ninjas wear.

By the end, Glorfindel blocked out what the rest of the group were doing and focused on Pippin. Who was taking this way to seriously.

The pirate group was next. Sam and Frodo acted like Pintel and Ragetti from Pirates of the Caribbean by accident, but it worked, and they were dressed sort of similar, so...

Faramir was wearing a dress. The same kind Lizzy Swann wore in Curse of the Black Pearl. The redish one. He kept fanning himself and nearly passed out several times, he pulled it together to look like a damsel in distress.

Gandalf took it upon himself to be in the middle and held his cutlass in a menacing way. Good old pirate.

"Faramir, breathe, try to take some deep breaths. Gandalf, a little more neck. Frodo, please put the eye patch back on. Boromir, sword a little higher. Gimli, a little more smile in the eyes." Glorfindel waved them off to have a break.

5 minutes later, the ninja group and the pirate group came back. The ninjas were on the left side of the shot and the pirates were on the right side. They took a small step toward each other and looked like they were about to strike one another with their weapons. Glorfindel got the shot. They repeated this several frames over before Erestor had them change it up.

* * *

><p>-The same commercial as the Cover Elf in the last episode is show-<p>

Generally the same commercial is shown at least twice during the commercial breaks. It makes you want to buy the product even more. Or at least that's what the commercial people think.

Galadriel is with the other judges. Today she is wearing a fitted pant suit in soft blue with black lapels. It looks great on her because she's Galadriel and she can pull of almost anything. Celeborn is wearing a grey two piece suit. Erestor is wearing something crazy as it's usual for him, a giant baseball cap par say.

The models fill into the judging room. Galadriel smiles at them. "Dolls, you know the prizes, and this week you had a photo shoot as pirates and ninjas. We'd like to see the ninja group first."

The ninja group stepped up and their picture appears on the mirror. Pippin was in the middle, holding nun-chucks. Merry was doing a ninja pose, Elrond was about to throw a throwing star, Aragorn was holding one of those Japanese blades, whatever they're called. Eomer was in a tree.

"Very good Pippin." Erestor said.

"Yes, my eyes went directly to you." Celeborn said.

"But Eomer, what were you doing?" Galadriel asked.

Eomer shuffeled his feet. "In a tree, I was about to jump.'

Erestor nodded. "Your eyes look very expressive however."

The other judges nodded.

"Thank you, we'd like to see the pirate group next."

The pirate group stepped forward. Their picture appeared on the mirror. Gandalf looked like an old Jack Sparrow, Faramir looked like he was about to faint, but he still looked in character. Frodo and Sam were fussing about with Frodo's eye patch. Boromir was dressed like Norrington.

"Faramir was you're corset too tight, I thought you were just hot?" Glorfindel asked.

"Oh, he's hot alright." Erestor said winking at Faramir.

Faramir nodded. "It _was_ too tight."

"Wow, look at Gandalf." Celeborn interrupted.

Galadriel leaned over. "Wow indeed."

"Sam and Frodo are in character." Erestor said. "And Gimli looks hot."

Gimli smiled. "Thank you."

"I'd tap that." Erestor batted his lashes at Gimli.

"Well...er...you're not so bad yourself." Gimli coughed.

"Ok, enough!" Glorfindel covered his ears.

Galadriel let the dolls go so they could talk about who was going and who was staying.

"I don't think Eomer was really there at the shoot." Galadriel said.

Celeborn shook his head. "It'd be ok if it was a single photo, but he's in a group shot and he looks like a ninja about to kill them all."

"And all his photos are like that." Glorfindel said.

"But he's so cute!" Erestor complained.

"Moving onto Pippin." Galadriel moved Pippins photo forward.

"Fantastic, nothing more to say." Celeborn said.

"Frodo?"

"Oddly he was in character. I thought he'd have a tough time with it." Glorfindel flipped his hair out of his face.

"I think we've reached a decision." Galadriel said.

The other judges nodded.

Galadriel stood in front of the judges table. "Dolls, we have only an X amount of photos. Our photo of the week is: Pippin!"

Pippin ran forward and hugged Galadriel. "Thank you so much! I'm a hoodie ninja!"

"You've said that before." Erestor noted. "But you're so cute."

Galadriel smiled. "Boromir, Faramir, Aragorn, Frodo, Merry!" She threw the photos and the models ran to join Pippin.

"Gandalf, Elrond, Gimli! Which leaves Sam and Eomer in the bottom two."

Sam and Eomer stepped forward.

"Sam, we heard what happened in the model house." Galadriel looked sadly at Sam.

"I'm sorry!" Sam said.

Galadriel held up a finger. "You're skating along in the middle with your photos but being in the middle isn't good enough. And Eomer, you've been getting weaker and weaker photos. Last week you were so upset that you had to leave the room. Your emotions get the best of you."

Eomer nodded.

"So the person who stays is: Sam."

Sam dropped to his knees and began to cry. Eomer gave Galadriel a hug and then the rest of the models a hug. He waved one last time before leaving the room.

-Eomer's last screen time-

"I'm a bit upset that I got out, but I think I do need to work on my emotions. I think they get the best of me." Eomer swiped away a tear. "I'm going to work on it. It's just hard because my parents died and then my cousin and them Theoden." Eomer sighed. "I know I've got a lot of fans out there that will support me though."

* * *

><p>So, some things need explaining:<p>

I saw Pirates of The Caribbean 4. That's why the models are pirates.

And the song "Hoodie Ninja" was playing while I was writing this so that's why half the models are ninjas. Pippin's perfect for being a hoodie ninja because he's so clumsy he'd make a bad professional one.

The chapter's shorter than the others because I was just so hyped about pirates.

And thank you LUNA GURLZ for the reviews. =)


	6. The Girl with the ribbon

-Last week on Tolkien's Next Top Model-

Clips are shown of the models are shown, primarily doing the training with Eowyn, the kitchen fire, Sam crying. Next the models are shown as pirates and ninjas. Eomer is sent home and all the models are shown crying and hugging Eomer. For some reason or another (OK, the writer wanted to add it in) Jack Sparrow appears next to Galadriel, holding a bottle of rum.

"You know lovey, I am a captain of a magnificent vessel."

Galadriel sighs and tries to not slap Jack, instead she looks at the camera and says, "You want to be on top?" And

-Opening Credits!-

The models are lounging around the house again. Elrond and Gimli are having a heart to heart in the Rivendell room, which was a complete mess. Also, it's come to my attention that I always forget about Gimli in TNTM. So, to clear up room problems in _The Girl who broke the loom _Gimli was in the Gondor room with Faramir and Boromir. I am sorry Gimli. I need to stop forgetting about you.

"We never _wanted _to hate elves." Gimli said.

"We never wanted to hate the dwarfs." Elrond confessed.

"It was just Illuvatar."

"Actually it was Aule, but whatever." Elrond shrugged. "Anyway, I think Erestor likes you."

"No, Erestor likes everyone." Gimli blushed like a schoolgirl.

"No no no, Erestor couldn't keep his eyes off you during the last panel."

Aragorn poked his head through the door. "Who you guys talking about?"

"Erestor." Elrond and Gimli said in unison.

"Ooh, I think he fancies Gimli," Aragorn sat down cross legged on the bed opposite Elrond and Gimli, though he wasn't invited to join the conversation.

"Do you think I should do something about it?" Gimli asked.

Aragorn and Elrond shook their heads. "Don't tell Galadriel."

"So...?" Gimli was still confused.

"Don't lead him on-" Elrond began to say.

"But don't push him away." Aragorn said over Elrond.

"Until the competition is over." Elrond elbowed Aragorn in the ribs.

Aragorn shot Elrond a look. "Yeah, you don't want the other models and judges to think that you're influencing a judge to keep you in."

Aragorn, Elrond and Gimli joined the rest of the models in the dinning room, Faramir and Boromir had taken it upon themselves as Sam had started a fire last week and Gandalf was too drunk to cook.

"Wash your hands!' Faramir yelled at the three of them before they sat down.

Boromir was setting the table when they came back from scrubbing their hands. "We made beef stroganoff! And don't tell me you've suddenly gone vegetarian! Faramir and I worked very hard to procure a cow!"

"You mean you went down to the local super-market, played vikings and ransacked the whole store?" Elrond asked, with an eyebrow raised.

"Ok yes." Boromir hung his head.

-Commercial time-

A hobbit appears on the screen. "What's my favorite colour? Sandy Beach no.5. No silly, not for my hair!" The hobbit does a hair flick and shakes his head at the camera. "For your feet!"

We are now shown several people standing and staring at the hobbit with a "what the hell?" expression on their faces.

"It's a _revolutionary _idea," The hobbit grabs the product and holds it in front of the camera. No the italicized revolutionary was not about the uprising in the shire, he's just pronouncing it "rev-o-luuu-tionary" anyway.

"If you're gonna dye your hair, why not dye your foot hair while you're at it?" The hobbit is then shown with a towel wrapped around his head like a turban and another wrapped around his torso, he's holding a hair-dye wand in one hand and has a foot up on a chair. "Made with extracts of bamboo and Shea butter! Leave it on and then bam! Insta-glam! Brandywine Precision.

-End of commercial-

-Model confession time-

Gandalf is thrown in front of the model confession camera. "What do you want me to say!" He yells at one of the crew off camera somewhere.

"Talk about Faramir and Boromir's cooking or something!" The crew man yelled and hit himself with his clipboard.

"Oh, OK. It was delicious. Couldn't have done better myself."

"Anything else you want to say?" The crew man asked.

"No." Gandalf got up and walked away.

* * *

><p>The scene is now cut to the models wandering around outside.<p>

An elf suddenly jumps out at them. "Surprise!" She yells, "You're having a spontaneous challenge!"

"Who are you?" Aragorn asked, nearly running his sword through her.

"Silly, put that sword away, I am Aredhel, pronounced "Ar-a-thel" I married a dark elf named Eol and gave him a son. I use to live in Gondolin, but I got bored. My brother told me not to go, but I left because I was bored, and I'm an elf and Eol was soooo sexy and bad when I met him." Aredhel stared off into space and batted her lashes. "I should have married one of the Feanors, anyway, you are all going to have a challenge, a challenge that involves picking a random guy in the street and giving them: a makeover! The one who does the best job wins."

The models shuffled around.

Aredhel face-palmed. "Ok. You have 2 hours. Go."

The models ran off in different directions. Some of the guys they asked out on the street wanted to punch the models, others legged it and others stood there and laughed at them.

Aredhel blew a whistle. "Ok. Stop, this is not going to work. Luckily, we have a plan B! Bring out the guys!"

10 guys came out from an alleyway. None of them were in dire need of a makeover, but none of them were perfect 10s.

"Pick you guys and hop to it!" Aredhel yelled.

Two hours later, the models were standing next to their chosen guys. Aragorn's guy had gotten a shave, a haircut and a change of clothes. Instead of hoodies, the guy was now wearing whatever it was that fashionable guys wear.

Aredhel looked the men over. "Hm. Pippin, well done." Pippin had gotten a chubby-ish guy and had whipped the guy into a stud. "Frodo, also well done. Oh, I see that Elrond and Gimli did some collaboration. Um, Gandalf: what the hell?"

The man Gandalf had picked had gone from emo to looking like a Elvis impersonator, complete with quaff and jumpsuit. Gandalf shrugged. "I like Elvis."

Aredhel nodded with a what-the-hell look still on her face. "The one who wins is: Elrond. Classic never dies"

Elrond and his guy (went from a guy wearing those stupid khaki shorts to wearing proper fitting pants, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket with an awesome hat)

They stepped up excitedly to Aredhel.

"You win, a fabulous cruise around the Caribbean with a friend or spouse or something." Aredhel held out 2 tickets for Elrond and 2 for his guy.

* * *

><p>-Back at the model house-<p>

The models are all in the pool. Gimli has floaties on, so does Sam. Aragorn is bringing drinks out from the kitchen.

"Cosmos!" Faramir yelled and grabbed one.

"And martini's and Manhattans." Aragorn noted.

"First one to throw up in the loser!" Gandalf smiled wickedly.

"Remember that drinking game I had with Lego?" Gimli said sadly.

The models nodded.

"He could out-drink everyone." Boromir said.

"And Eomer was there too." Gimli said.

-The next day-

Two elves were standing in front of the models, they were both tall but one had dark hair while the other had dark hair. "Well, hello there!" The one on the left with golden hair said.

Glorfindel wedged his way between the two. Somehow he was short compared to them. "Models, this is Fingolfin" Glorfindel gestured to the elf with dark hair to the right of him, "And Finarfin." Glorfindel gestured to the elf with golden hair.

-And this has nothing to do with anything else in the chapter, let's say it's an interruption in the show-

A boy was playing with his dog outside, he threw a stick for the dog. "Go on Finarfin, go fetch the stick!"

A burly looking guy stops dead. "You named yer dog after a _Tolkien_ character? You nerd. Yer one of them readers, what yer reading fer?" He asks the boy with a very heavy redneck accent.

"So?" The boy asks.

"Yer a nerd."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well then I challenge you to -"

"A duel? I can do a duel." The redneck asks hopefully.

"Read the book." The boy with Finarfin says in a very serious, monotonous tone.

The redneck lets out a cry of anguish.

-End of interruption-

"Well that was slightly more than odd." Fingolfin looked around.

"Ha! I got a dog named after me and you didn't!" Finarfin stuck his tongue out at Fingolfin.

"Why would I want such a smelly animal named after me anyway?"

"Ok. Ok. Settle down please." Glorfindel said. "We have to tell the models about their photo shoot."

"Oh yeah." The sons of Feanor said in unison.

"See this box?" Fingolfin said.

The models nodded.

"And this ribbon?" Finarfin held up some red coloured ribbon.

The models nodded again.

"You're going to be presents, bursting out of a box." Fingolfin said with a straight face.

"Covered with ribbon." Finarfin added.

Sam screamed. "I'm very conscious about my body!"

"Well you shouldn't eat so much Sam." Pippin said in a matter of fact way.

Sam's jaw dropped. "did you hear what he just...I can't believe it..."

"Sam don't be mean to Pippin, Pippin is awesome." Faramir said, Boromir nodded.

Rumil came flouncing out to great the models and said something in elvish. He held up a makeup pallet and then pointed to the models excitedly.

"No Rumil, you're not doing makeup this week." Glorfindel said in elvish.

Rumil continued to point at the makeup pallet then back at the models still smiling.

"No Rumil, go back to Lorien and make it all...pretty and stuff..." Aragorn said slowly.

Rumil shook his head.

"Seriously, we don't need you this week, we already have a makeup artist." Fingolfin said, a makeup artist in the background waved at the camera.

Rumil's face fell. He threw the makeup pallet at the other makeup artist and stormed out, taking down some lights and causing destruction in his wake.

"I love him, but he's just..." Finarfin tried to find the word.

"Insane." Fingolfin finished for him. "His brothers aren't like that."

"It's always the quiet ones." Gimli said, leaning on his battle axe.

"Ok, let's get you guys made up!" Glorfindel said.

* * *

><p>The scene changes, the models are having their makeup done. Faramir's eye makeup was sliver as was the ribbon that he was going to be "wearing." Pippin's ribbon was to be blue, Merry' was dark green, Boromir's was red, Gandalf's was of course, white. Aragorn's was yellow, Frodo's was pink, Sam's was purple and Elrond's was orange.<p>

Frodo was up first. There was a gigantic wrapped box in the middle of the room with a white backdrop. Finarfin was fiddling with the lights while Fingolfin was making sure the camera was set up properly.

Frodo got into the box straight away and burst out of it with tons of energy. Fingolfin began clicking the camera wildly.

Sam was next up, he was severely nervous about this photo shoot. Halfway through the shoot Glorfindel had to take him to one side and try to boost his confidence. It still wasn't working and by the end the ibuprofen was being passed around.

Gandalf was perhaps too comfortable with the shoot and had to be reminded that it was not a shoot for being a page 3 model.

Pippin was enthusiastic as always. Merry used his hair for extra coverage because he wasn't as happy about this as Pippin.

Elrond was told he had to relax his face because so far his photos were reading across as scary and not model-like.

Aragorn was confused at first but got it in the end. Gimli didn't do very well as dwarfs are not the most happy people in middle earth. Faramir was told that his face looked a little dead.

Pippin's energy had rubbed of on Boromir. He was really excited to get the shoot going.

"For a human, he's pretty good." Finarfin whispered to Fingolfin.

Fingolfin nodded. "Head down a little bit more Boromir."

Glorfindel was stationed behind the computers. "I've never seen him this happy. I'm a bit scared."

Finarfin shrugged. Boromir put his hands on his hips. "I can hear you."

* * *

><p>-Back at the model house-<p>

"How do you think you did?" Elrond said while nachos in the kitchen.

"Bad." Sam said.

"Great." Boromir checked his reflection in a spoon.

Pippin and Merry were in the living room with the radio blasting. Gandalf was break dancing.

Elrond dropped his bag of nachos. "What are you doing?"

"Gandalf's teaching us to break dance." Merry said as he tried to mirror Gandalf's moves, but he was terrible.

Suddenly the palantir let of sounds like fireworks. The models rushed in and read aloud what the palantir had to say.

"Only X of you will continue on to be Tolkien's next top model. And Elrond stop eating all the nachos. Seriously, save some for the rest of us, gosh."

Elrond blushed and dropped the bag of nachos.

-Commercial time-

A dwarf and an elf are sitting in a bar, yes it is plausible, the dwarf has a tankard of ale and so does the elf.

"I bet I can drink more than you." The elf says and drains his tankard.

"I'll hold you to it." The dwarf burps and drains his tankard too.

The scene switches and we are shown about 50 tankards surrounding the dwarf and the elf. The elf drinks one last tankard before keeling over and the dwarf sits there and smiles.

The scene then switches to the bartender re-filling the dwarf's tankard with an ale called "Dwarrows."

"You know, technically you're cheating."

The dwarf shrugs "Not my fault if he can't hold his liquor."

(The joke here is that the ale is specifiably for dwarfs and in The Hobbit the elves pass out after drinking _really _strong alcohol. And dwarrows is strong if you're not a dwarf.)

-End of commercial-

The models are all standing around in the judging room. Finarfin and Fingolfin are guest judges.

"Models," Galadriel said. "You know our prizes, so we'd like to see Frodo first."

Frodo stepped forward. His picture appears on the mirror. He is shown lifting up the box's lid and peeking out looking adorable.

"Adorable!" Erestor yelled. "I just want to eat you up!"

"I called him first!" Glorfindel glared at Erestor.

"You have ginormous blue eyes." Celeborn noted.

"You could swim in them." Erestor said.

Fingolfin and Finarfin exchanged looks. They weren't use to the eccentricity of Tolkien's Next Top Model.

"Ok. We'd like to see Pippin next." Galadriel smiled.

Pippin stepped up. His picture was of him bursting out of the box with a huge grin on his face.

"You kept it modely!" Glorfindel said.

"You were a joy to shoot." Finarfin said.

"You're just a big bundle of energy, thank you Pippin, you can go now." Galadriel said.

Merry was told that he did an excellent job and that thankfully no one had put him in pink. Gimli was told that he was a little bit too serious in the face and that he didn't read across as a model, but as someone that was in a Christmas-themed slasher flick.

Sam was told that he really had to stop worrying about his body because his insecurities were getting in the way of a good photo. Elrond was told that his face was pretty dead, but his body language was fantastic. Aragorn was told that he had done a good job but his neck looked a little horse like. Faramir was told that he was adorable and innocent looking.

Boromir was last. His photo appeared up on the mirror.

"You look good." Celeborn said.

"Yes, you did very well." Erestor said. "Look at that posing!"

"Fantastic." Finarfin agreed.

"Thank you Boromir, we shall deliberate who is staying and who is going."

-Some deliberation later-

The models are back in the judging room. Galadriel was standing in front of the table wearing an amazingly sparkly white dress that came just above her knee.

"Boromir, Aragorn, Elrond!" Galadriel threw their papers at them.

"You forgot about photo of the week." Glorfindel pointed out.

"Oh yes, sorry." Galadriel blushed slightly. "Photo of the week is: Frodo!"

Frodo screamed grabbed his photo and joined the others standing in the side of the room.

"Gandalf, Merry, Pippin!" Galadriel handed them their pictures. "Faramir, which leave Gimli and Sam in the bottom two."

Gimli and Sam walked forward.

Galadriel looked at the two of them. "Sam, you're hobbit-next-door with a kick. Everyone loves you but you don't love yourself. Just because you have all that." Galadriel motioned to Sam's figure. "Doesn't mean you have to be ashamed of it. And Gimli. A fierce competitor. You take good photos but you need a lot of direction, and would you please put the axe down. Orcs are not going to attack at any moment!"

"So the model who stays..." Fingolfin said.

"The model who stays is: Gimli."

Sam nodded and hugged Galadriel before hugging the other models. Frodo burst into tears.

"What am I going to do without you?" He cried.

Sam shrugged. "You'll figure it out."

-Sam's last screen time-

"I think Galadriel is right. I've never been very confident about my body, but this competition has taught me that I don't need to be a stick to be happy."

* * *

><p>Thank you Strawbaby Chick for the commercial ideas and motivation!<p>

Idea for the photo shoot: people jump out of cakes, why not boxes, besides who wouldn't want LOTR as a chrimbo pressie? The ribbon = in these (insert whatever country) Next Top Models, there is almost always a shoot where the models were little clothing. LOTR characters all wrapped up as a present, literally.

Which brings me to the next topic of discussion: which character would you want as a chrimbo pressie? Kicked out of the competition, still in, a judge, or any of the special guest judges.


	7. The girl who lived and then died

Shoutouts need to be at the beginning instead of the end:

ichipup: glad I could instill that mental image into your head!

Tiara d'Cullen: Feanor shall now be an official judge! To make up for Glorfindel not being on panel as much as he use to; he will have **more** screen time!

TheseAngelWings: He'll be in the next episode, I promise!

Luna GURLZ: Thank you for the photo shoot idea (laughs manically)

Also, I have finally settled on an exotic location for the soon to be top 6. I'll give you guys a hint: it begins with an N and the guy who created it was a chummy mate of Tolkien.

* * *

><p>Clips are shown of last week: the models are running around trying to get guys for their mini challenges, Aredhel is walking around after the models, Elrond and Gimli are having a heart to heart. Next are Fingolfin and Finarfin throwing stuff at one another (picture the episode of Spongebob where said sponge and Patrick are having a snowball fight and Patrick swallows a hole load of snowballs then has to pee really bad, that's what it looked like, only with elves) Rumil having a hissy fit, Glorfindel being fabulous, Pippin jumping out of a box and finally, Sam being voted out.<p>

Galadriel steps out in front of the camera, "You want to be on top?"

-Opening credits time!-

We are now shown (via Galadriel's mirror) Frodo laying on what was Sam's bed, crying.

"I miss him!" Frodo cried.

"He's not dead." Gimli said.

Frodo glared at him. Gimli shrugged. "Considering we weren't together during the quest, I can't really say I miss him. I mean, we didn't meet you until halfway through the first book then you guys left at the end and didn't meet up again until the end of the third book. So no, I haven't had a chance really."

Frodo kicks Gimli out of the room.

Aragorn and Gandalf are out on the patio sunbathing. There's another horrible mental image for you. Gimli sat down next to them.

"Is it bad that I don't care much for Sam?"

Aragorn shrugged. "I didn't care for him very much."

"We hardly knew him!" Gandalf said as he applied more tanning lotion. "I always reffered to him as  
>"the gardener" or "the fat one."<p>

"Didn't he want to take over the world and plant a garden or something in mordor?" Aragorn asked.

At that point, Glorfindel pranced through the house wearing: fairy wings. "Ready for a challenge?" He yelled through a megaphone.

Once all the models were assembled in the living room Glorfindel smiled. "Does everyone have a nice comfy spot?" The models nodded. "Good." Suddenly Glorfindel has juice boxes and lembas. He passes them around.

"Does everyone know why we're here?" Glorfindel asked.

"Yes this is a council of Elrond." Aragorn nodded.

"No it's-" Glorfindel tried to say.

"We're here to debate which is better: poptarts or toaster strudel." Gandalf said.

"Poptarts are better!" Pippin said.

"No, Pillsbury toaster strudel!" Merry said with absolute joy in his voice and whilst you are imagining that, there's supposed to be a flashing rainbow spiral in the background and Merry is all chibi style, holding aloft a Pillsbury toaster strudel.

Everyone stares incredulously at him.

"No the reason we're here is that you're going to be dressed up as mythological creatures." Glorfindel said slowly. "Merry was supposed to be a gorgon, Gandalf was going to be a dragon, Pippin was supposed to be a brownie, Frodo was going to be a mermaid-"

"Part of your world!" Frodo blurted out.

"Ok…Aragorn was supposed to be a phoenix, Faramir was supposed to be a siren." (yes mermaids and sirens are two different things, mermaids have fish tails while sirens have the body of a bird) "Gimli was supposed to be a Cyclops Boromir was going to be a centaur and Elrond was supposed to be a dryad."

"But? There's usually a but after this." Gandalf said.

"Instead," Glorfindel pinched his brow, "We're just going to order pizza."

-One trip to the phone later-

"Yes we want a large pizza with pepperoni, cheese, death and DESTRUCITON." Boromir said.

"Er, we don't carry destruction." A guy with a nasally nerdy voice answered.

"Do you carry death?" Faramir asked.

"No."

"Aw."

The pizza guy hanged up the phone.

* * *

><p>-Meanwhile at Orthanc Saruman laughs evily-<p>

* * *

><p>We now rejoin the models who are now playing Grand Theft auto, "5 minutes!" Glorfindel yelled. He was holding a stopwatch as the models are trying to see wo can go the longest playing grand theft auto before killing someone or stealing a car. Frodo was in the lead with a half hour. Boromir was half a minute in before he killed someone.<p>

"Ha, Boromir can't go a day without killing someone," Aragorn threw a fistful of coco crispies at Boromir.

"You lasted 5 minutes!" Boromir yelled. Aragorn stuck his tongue out at Boromir, a cat fight ensued. Glorfindel sat back and enjoyed the carnage.

"Hey, Glorfindel you never gave us a challenge prize." Frodo turned around in his seat to look at Glorfindel.

"Oh you're right, I didn't. Frodo wins and your special prize is Sting!" Glorfindel snapped his fingers.

"I already have Sting-Oh my god! Sting!"

Sting aka Gorden Sumner walked into the room, wearing a yellow and black stripped cardigan. "What's up?" He said casually.

"And he glows blue whenever you turn off the lights," Glorfindel pointed out.

"Why because orcs are nearby?" Frodo asked.

"No, he's just that cool."

-Now for a commercial-

The camera eases up on the white tree at Gondor. Suddenly, show tune music begins to play. The white tree isn't actually a tree, it's an ENT! And it begins to dance. Pedestrians stop and stare with their jaws hanging open.

"I don't want to be king! I don't want to wear that crown!" Aragorn, who is being carried up to being crowned is suddenly dropped.

The white tree-ent of Gondor now has a top hat and cane and is tap dancing.

A voice over says "The siege of Gondor, from Broadway, now playing at a theatre near you!" Several other ents joined the white tree and are now doing a chorus line.

-End commercial-

* * *

><p>The next day, the models climb off the bus, which for some reason is on a sound stage that is decorated like a medieval castle. The models are greeted by a tall guy with black hair. Glorfindel pops up over the man's shoulder.<p>

"Dolls! Meet your photographer for the week: Beorn!"

Beorn waved happily.

"Hello Beorn." The models mumbled.

"Have you dolls been wondering what the photo shoot is about?" Glorfindel smiled.

The models nodded, not daring to break eye contact with Beorn.

"You're going to be the characters from: Harry Potter!" Glorfindel let go off Beorn and slid to the floor. He was wearing a Harry Potter t-shirt and was holding a wand in one hand.

"Someone's a fan." Aragorn whispered to Boromir.

"Why yes, I am a fan." Glorfindel put his hands on his hips. "Go get your makeup and hair done. You're all lucky Rumil has been fired."

Orophin dropped the hair product stuff he was carrying.

* * *

><p>About a half hour later the first model to come out was Gandalf. He was, of course, Dumbledore.<p>

"How do you feel Gandalf?" Glorfindel asked from behind the computers.

"Fantastic. I was born to play Dumbledore!" Gandalf did a hair-flip.

"Considering you're older than Dumbledore, that's not even possible." Glorfindel pointed out. "But whatever."

Gandalf stood in the part of the sound stage that was designed like Dumbledore's office, complete with a stuffed Phoenix beanie baby. He was wearing a pointed wizard hat, with red and blue spangled robes and the pointed boots. Gandalf immediately grabbed the elder wand that was lying on the table and began making it look like he was deciding which spell he would use.

"Gandalf can you sit behind the desk and look...wizardly-y?" Glorfindel asked. Beorn nodded. Gandalf did what they told him to do.

After Gandalf, Frodo was up. He was cast as Harry Potter, the other main protagonist who is whiny, sort of small, gets all the girls, and needs others to help get them to do stuff. In other words: totally awesome. Unfortunately, Frodo was forced to wear shoes, something hobbits hate doing. He was stationed in the Gryffindor common room, which is like _way _small and shabby for a house that wins the house cup like 6 times in a row. Surely Hufflepuff would be the one to have the smallest because they garden and "find" things.

Frodo looked slightly lost. "What do I do?"

"Look like the hero." Beorn said.

Something snapped in Frodo's tiny noggin and he began to model his heart out. He was very good as Harry once he figured out what Harry would be like.

Next up was Merry, who was George Weasley. He was a natural.

And then Pippin who was Fred. It wasn't much of a stretch.

Elrond was Minerva Mcgonagall, whose last name I hate spelling. The background was of the transfiguration class room. He looked very serious in in robes of emerald green and witches hat. Again, it wasn't much of a stretch.

Faramir was cast as Hermione because they're both rather studious. Faramir's dad called him a "wizards pupil" at one point in the trilogy. His hair had been teased until it was bushy and then extensions were added. The crew had given him several big old books to hold.

Aragorn was Sirius. Aragorn had some problems trying to get into character as Aragorn is a "good" character and Sirius is a "supposed bad but actually good but still a bit of a jerk" character.

Glorfindel sighed behind the computers. "Sweetie, I know you can do this."

"But I don't know what to do!" Aragorn looked like he was about to cry.

"Try being someone who's been locked up in prison for about a decade, then breaks out, meets his godson, then dies." Glorfindel said.

Aragorn raised an eyebrow.

"Just look badass." Beorn said quietly.

Gimli was Ron. He stood there and looked stupid for a few frames before Beorn and Glorfindel intervened.

"Try using one of the props." Beorn suggested.

"Here." Glorfindel held out a box of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans.

Gimli took them eagerly and began eating them with a look of pure joy on his face.

Beorn jumped back behind the camera and began clicking away.

Boromir was Snape. The background was of course the potions class room. Boromir stood over a cauldron for one photo and poured some green stuff into it in the next shot. However no one told him that it was an actual potion that was brewing and it blew up in his face.

After the shoot being halted for 10 minutes, Boromir was back with freshly applied makeup. This time he decided to settle for looking glaring at someone (Potter) over a potions textbook.

"Great job today!" Glorfindel said proudly.

Beorn smiled. "My favorite shoots to date."

"That's nice honey."

-Another commercial-

And now for another voice over, "Next week on _All my Elflings."_

Eowyn sighs dramatically. "Oh! This is so confusing, who do I choose? The wonderful and sappy-ily romantic Faramir or the rugged and filthy Aragorn?" She sighs again. "I remember the first words Faramir ever said to me.

(Flashback) Eowyn is standing next to Faramir. "So what's the weather like?" She asks him.

"Cold, kinda windy." Faramir said.

"I love you." Eowyn yelled with a completely straight face, Faramir recoiled a little.

Eowyn sighs _again._ Faramir bursts into the room. "My love! Where all my happiness and joy comes from! You are my sun and moon. The light of my life! My Juliet, and I…don't really want to be Romeo, but my bread and water, you make my life worth living!" He grabs her hand.

Suddenly, Aragorn busts into the room. Eowyn quickly sprays Faramir in the face with mace before Aragorn sees them holding hands.

"Eowyn, I have suddenly realized, I do not want a stupid living statue that was banned to the appendix of Lord of the Rings for a reason! I want you, oh my beautiful shield maiden!"

Eowyn squeels like a fangirl.

"Wait, it is _I _who loves fair maiden!" Faramir stumbles around, still blinded.

Dramatic music is played. Eowyn looks at Faramir then Aragorn, then back to Faramir, "So," Aragorn says, "Whose it going to be?"

* * *

><p>-At Panel-<p>

Galadriel smiled at the models. "Today we have a special announcement. From this point on we have a new judge: Feanor!"

Feanor waved. 'Hello, I am _the _Feanor. One and only. No one else. Ever. I created the silmarils and allegedly caused my mother's soul to go to Lorien. Also, I was killed by a balrog. But enough of that."

Galadriel smiled at him. "So you all had a Harry Potter photo shoot-"

"That was FABULOUS!" Glorfindel suddenly popped up from behind Feanor, who was clutching his chest like he had just had a heart attack. Glorfindel gave Feanor smoldery eyes and winked at him before mysteriously vanishing.

Erestor glared at Feanor. "Glorfindel only gives _me _smoldery eyes."

"Oh, I'll give you something alright." Feanor muttered under his breath.

"A present?" Erestor said hopefully.

"More like a black eye."

"Ok, stop this please. We'd like to see Boromir first." Galadriel said.

Boromir waved at them. "Hi."

"Hello lovely, which character were you?" Galadriel asked.

"Snape." Boromir answered. His picture showed up on the mirror. It was a picture of him leering at someone over a potions book.

"Not bad, but you look a little dead in the eyes." Erestor pointed out.

"And your hand looks like a skeletons'." Feanor added.

'I retract my statement, Boromir you did fantastic." Erestor glared at Feanor.

Next up was Merry. He was told that he was perfect and in character. Or as Glorfindel, who suddenly popped up again, this time wearing Harry Potter robes, would say, supermegafoxyawesomehot.

Next was Pippin strutted up to them (like a G6).

Feanor raised an eyebrow. "Do they all do that?"

Erestor nodded. 'Pippin, you look so cute!"

Pippin had on a pink shirt and converse and denim Bermuda shorts. But he's Pippin, so he's adorable.

"Let's see your photo Pippin." The photo began to materialize in the mirror.

"Yay!" Pippin began splashing the water in the mirror.

"Stop that." Celeborn said.

Pippin looked at him for a second before he dunked his whole head in. "I have always wanted to do that!" He said as he resumed his spot in front of the judges.

"Well, from what I see, you were perfect." Erestor said, by this point he was ready to say the opposite of whatever Feanor was going to say just because he hated Feanor that much.

Galadriel nodded.

"What do you think Celeborn?" Galadriel asked.

Celeborn didn't answer.

"Celeborn?" Galadriel touched him on the arm and looked him directly in the eye.

Celeborn shuddered. "Stop looking at me, I know I'm not perfect. You want perfection, I can't give you that!" Celeborn grabs a mug and throws it. "I don't know you anymore!" And he runs out of the room, crying.

Galadriel blanched. "What was that all about?"

Feanor shrugged. "When you look at people it tends to…unsettle them."

After several minutes confusion Faramir was up next. He was told that he was perfectly in character, and no, he could not keep the books they had given him as props.

Aragorn was next.

"I was so confused!"

"I can't tell." Galadriel said honestly. "You look a lot like Gary-er I mean Sirius."

"I think it's the beard." Erestor commented. "And the filthiness."

"Do you ever bathe?" Feanor asked.

"In dirt." Aragorn replied.

Frodo's picture materialized. He was standing with his wand arm outstretched, looking like Harry did in the Goblet of Fire movie poster.

Glorfindel popped up again. "Amazing!"

Galadriel giggled. Actually giggled. "I love the photo. You look like Harry and you took charge."

Gandalf ran up the catwalk. "Me next! Me next!"

His photo popped up in the mirror. "I was good, wasn't I?"

The judges nodded. Even Feanor.

Gimli was told that he had done well in his shoot, all though he really shouldn't have had actually eaten the Bertie Bott's every flavour beans.

Elrond was last. He could have been Minvera's stand in.

* * *

><p>After the judges had deliberated, Galadriel stepped out in front of the judges table, wearing a gauzy pale blue tunic style top, jeans for the first time in her life, and high heeled knee length boots. "Ok dolls, the winner is: Elrond!"<p>

Elrond skipped, yes skipped up to Galadriel, grabbed his photo and stood in the corner of the room where the models go when they're still in.

"Frodo, Faramir, Merry." They ran up and grabbed their photos too.

"Aragorn, Elrond, Gandalf. Which leaves Gimli and Boromir in the bottom two."

Feanor got out of his seat, "I'll do the honors, if you don't mind."

Clearly Galadriel did mind, but she smiled and sat down next to Erestor.

Boromir and Gimli stepped up, hand in hand. Feanor stared at them. "Boromir, you're strong for a human and you're a good looking guy, you're a fierce competitor, but your photos are flat and dull. Which you are not in real life. In the modeling world, that is a very, very bad thing. Gimli, besides the fact that you're a dwarf, you let your hunger get in the way and you need direction, and this is your second week in the bottom two. So the model who goes home is-"

Feanor was cut off by a random black arrow piercing Boromir in the chest. "Huh, I don't remember that being there." Boromir said before he collapsed.

Feanor looks horrified. "And he was going home too."

* * *

><p>-One last commercial-<p>

Legolas is shown on the screen. He does a hair toss and struts. "Being a superstar can be fun, but it's definitely taxing. And when you're under as much stress as I" A random camera goes off in his face. "Your skin starts to take the toll. So when you next get a breakout, use Defensive."

Arwen is now shown. "Yes, I'm very beautiful. I was beautiful before, but now I am much more so."

The scene switches so now it is Luthien who is talking, "After about a day, I started seeing results. I mean, I can't have perfect skin all the time, especially when I was locked in that tree house, or when I had to put all those evil beings to sleep, or when Beren was cutting the silmarils out of that guy's crown."

Legolas smiles. "So why live with near perfect skin, when you can get actually perfect skin. Call today." A phone number appears on the screen.

-End of commercial.-

* * *

><p>Galadriel steps forward. "We are sorry to announce that Boromir is dead. He was also going home, but now he really <em>is <em>going home. Please join us in a moment of silence." Despite the silence, you can still hear Faramir sobbing.

And a random fangirl is now ripping out her hair.

* * *

><p>Defensive – parody of proactive<p>

Feanor – yes, he is supposed to be mean, like Simon Cowell, but more awesome. 'Cause he's an elf.

Glorfindel - that elf is just popping up everywhere in this chapter. But he doesn't like Feanor. Becasue Feanor might steal his man. If you're familiar with this site or LOTR you know that Erestor and Glorfindel go together like peanut butter and jelly, or fish fingers and custard.

How many of you guys want _All my Elflings _to be a real series of TV? Cause I would definitely watch that.


	8. The girl who fought a squid

Normally, I would not update so quickly, _but _I've had a lot of help from fellow fanficians and I watched a movie that just made me want to get to the top 7 quicker. By the way, I'm making it top 7 now. I don't have the heart to do a double elimination and cycle 16 of ANTM only had 5 girls go to the exotic location so, on with the show!

* * *

><p>-Now opening credits-<p>

Galadriel popped up on the screen, "Hey, what about my screen time?"

Writer: "Stop breaking the fourth wall!"

Galadriel puts her hands on her hips, "Make me!"

Writer grabs an eraser, "Don't make me do it!"

Galadriel holds out her phial, the writer then erases the phial. Celeborn suddenly runs out and falls to his knees. "Writer! Please, I don't like my wife anymore, erase me please, she's so scary!"

Galadriel glares at Celeborn and he shudders.

Writer: "How about you go somewhere nice with Cele-sorry, Kellogg's products for a bit?"

Celeborn nods and the writer has plopped him down in a Kellogg's winter wonderland. He then begins to devour eggo waffles with a river of maple syrup.

Galadriel glares at the writer, "Why did you do that?"

Writer: "He needed a break; I could send you to some fabulous Caribbean beach if you like. I feel kind of bad for taking your husband away."

Galadriel suddenly has about 6 designer suitcases packed, "When do I leave?"

* * *

><p>-At the (boardwalk) the model house-<p>

"I feel oddly lonely." Aragorn said.

"That's because you haven't had any screen time yet." Elrond said as he started plating Aragorn's hair. He wanted to give him corn rows.

Frodo walks in with a bag of popcorn. "Whatya doing?"

"Giving Aragorn corn rows."

"What you're gonna plant corn in Aragorn's hair?" Pippin asked, he suddenly popped out from behind the sofa.

"How long have you been there?" Elrond almost had a heart attack. "First Glorfindel, now you? What is it with all these people popping up over the place?"

Pippin shrugged. "I miss Boromir."

Gandalf walked in wearing a lamp-shade on his head. "How is Faramir holding up anyway?"

"He locked himself in the Gondor room and won't come out. He's really upset." Aragorn held up a mirror to admire Elrond's handy work. "Why are you wearing a lampshade?"

"I was at a party with Stephen Fry." Gandalf said. "Where's the tequila?"

"You want to know who I miss?" Merry said, popping out of a random grandfather clock that wasn't there a minute ago.

"Who?" Elrond said through gritted teeth, he was getting really tired of this crap.

"Fingolfin and Finarfin," Merry said sadly. "And Lego and Eomer and Gimli…"

"I'm still here!" Gimli yelled from upstairs.

Pippin looked around. "I feel weird, like I shouldn't be here, but I should."

"That's because the writer didn't write that you're still in from last panel. She forgot to." Frodo said, checking his nails. "It's one thing to keep forgetting Gimli, but to forget Pippin…."

Suddenly the palantir let off a siren and Gandalf ran to go look. He came back holding a letter. "It's from…_ the_ Rubiie…" He shuddered. "This must be important."

"You mean she didn't use the writer?" Merry dropped a bowl of chili onto the floor. It went everywhere.

"I always thought the writer was Rubiie." Pippin said.

"No, the writer is someone else." Elrond noted.

"Who?"

"How the heck should I know?" Elrond waved a hair brush at Pippin.

Gandalf cleared his throat nosily. "If you'll let me read please."

"_My little hobbits, elves, humans, dwarves and wizard type guy,_

_First off, Frodo shut up. You have no idea how painful it is to say goodbye to some of your favorite characters. Well not Gollum or Grima, don't like them, but it was painful to write about Boromir getting shot with an arrow. Faramir needs to cheer up. Someone make him some cookies. Double chocolate fudge is his favorite. Pippin, I am so sorry that I forgot about you. You know that you're one of my favorite characters. And before Gimli starts yelling at me because I almost always forget about him until editing time , look, I remembered you, ok? I don't hate you, but you're as stubborn as a mule. Whatever. I'm sending in Glorfindel to help. And Arwen...maybe…_

And at that moment, Glorfindel struts into the living room. He's wearing Channel sunglasses and he wipes them off in a very dramatic way and does a hair flip too. He's such a diva. "Models, I'm here to cheer up Faramir, and Arwen is here too."

Arwen is suddenly sitting in one of the arm chairs in the living room. Frodo walks up to her.

"This statue is amazing, it looks almost lifelike." Frodo reached out to touch her face. Arwen turned her face to look at him. "Holy crap!" Frodo jumped. "You're real!"

"Yes, I'm also very beautiful." Arwen said with almost no emotion in her voice.

Aragorn slide up next to her. "So, what kind of music do you like?"

"Whatever kind of music you like." Arwen smiled. Aragorn face-palmed.

Glorfindel dragged Faramir out of his room. He waved a cookie in front of Faramir's face. He cheered up slightly.

"Models, I also have a bit of a challenge for you. This has something to do with the photo shoot."

"Why, is the palantir still moody?" Gandalf asked.

Glorfindel nodded. He picked up a wicker basket that had a blue bow on it. Suddenly the basket began barking. Arwen held up a wicker basket with a pink bow on it.

"Puppies!" Pippin yelled excitedly and grabbed 5 puppies from the basket Glorfindel was holding and snuggled them.

"Yes. And Puppies and kittens." Glorfindel said. "They're a part of your photo shoot."

Faramir's face lit up. "I want a kitten!" Glorfindel passed him a tiny little kitten that was no more than a ball of fuzz (figuratively). Farmair smiled. "I'm going to name you Antonio Banderas because you look like Puss in Boots!" Faramir snuggled the kitten who began to purr.

Glorfindel raised an eyebrow, "Is that a letter from one of the producers?"

Gandalf nodded. Gimli sat with his arms crossed and sulked. "They all hate me, I just know it."

"Psh, they don't hate you, they just think you're arrogant." Glorfindel sat down next to him with his legs crossed, having given Merry and Pippin the dogs to play with.

"I hate being the only dwarf." Gimli pouted some more.

"Hey," Elrond poked Gimli in the chest, "Out of all the other dwarves, you got picked. Only you. So stop moaning. You could have a horrible doom coming your way or something."

Gimli sneezed. "Argh, stupid pet dander allergies!" Glorfindel passed Gimli a bottle of allergy pills.

"Oh my Tolkien! Pippin's drowning!"

"Merry, save yourself! It's too late for me!" Pippin cried from somewhere in a sea of dogs (meaning there are a load of dogs running around, not a sea made out of dog fur or something. That's cruel and disgusting) And that last thing we see before a commercial break is Pippin's hand sinking underneath a tidal wave of puppies.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time!-<p>

A cartoon chibi of Celeborn is shown prancing around. Happy music is playing and there are rainbows everywhere and fluffy pink clouds and bunny rabbits and puppies and other cute fuzzy animals. Celeborn prances around some more before glancing over at his shoulder at us.

He smiles. And then his tummy rumbles, you can tell because there's squiggly lines radiating from his belly. "Uh oh, I'm hungry; I wonder what I should eat…" Suddenly a bunny sitting on a pink cloud floats down to Celeborn and throws a box of breakfast food at his head.

"Ow," Celeborn rubs his head then picks up the box. "Celloggs? Hm…" He sticks his hand into the box, grabs a fistful of food and eats it. The happy music cuts off with that generic sound you hear when someone quickly takes off a record from a record player. An angelic choir is heard.

"This is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten!" Celeborn announces. He then is seen by a river off maple syrup, dunking a Celloggs pancake in it and eating it. Next is a shot of him jumping around under a waterfall of fruity snacks.

A voice over now says: "Cellogs, the most delicious breakfast and snack food ever."

-End of commercial-

* * *

><p>The models are all traveling in the mega TNTM bus. Everyone is enjoying some virgin margaritas because Gandalf got yelled at the last time he turned up to a photo shoot drunk and no one else wanted to follow his example.<p>

They all stumble out of the bus because it was driven by a maniac, Haldir for this episode.

Glorfindel was standing next to possibly the biggest hound the models had ever seen. The hound sat on his hind legs and said: "Models! My name is Huan; I was in the Silmarilion, not like anyone ever _reads_ the Silmarilion, at least not without a bottle of ibuprofen. But yes, I am a talking hound. And yes, for those of you who have actually _read_ the Silmarilion, you'll know that I was only allowed to talk 3 times before I died. Well, not anymore! I can talk all I like and you know what? I LOVE Whitney Houston! I don't care what anyone says about her, she is one of America's greatest treasures! Annndd IIIIII will always lllooovveee yoooooouuu." Huan began to sing, when he got to the you part he howled.

Glorfindel and the models clapped their hands over their ears. Huan stopped and stared at them. They all clapped quickly. Glorfindel stepped in before Huan could sing again. "So, like I told you yesterday, you'll be having something to do with puppies and kittens. Well the challenge is that you'll be modeling not only with puppies and or kitten, but modeling with a fellow model.

Glorfindel pulled out the hat from out of nowhere. "So, the teams are: Merry and Frodo, Pippin and Gandalf, Aragorn and Elrond, Faramir and Gimli. And remember, this is casual, but still model, think of it as if you're a celebrity doing a shoot for an animal charity."

Huan scratched his ear. "Go get into hair and makeup!"

Pippin and Gandalf were first; they had matching tank tops and skinny jeans on with a "statement" necklace and pumps. Their makeup was a smoky eye but muted so they didn't look they had raccoon eyes. The puppies bounded around their ankles. Pippin picked a puppy up and began snuggling with it. Gandalf held a puppy up near his face and made kissy faces.

"Aw," Huan said, "Cute, but no try lying down and Pippin, try not to drown in the puppies."

"Did Glorfindel tell you?" Pippin asked

Huan and Glorfindel nodded. Pippin and Gandalf began to model together, they sat crossed legged on the floor with the puppies between them, they smiled and smized. Huan got some great shots of them.

Up next were Aragorn and Elrond. Elrond had a blazer on with a short, cute skirt and Aragorn had a wrap sweater and leggings and low heeled boots on. They had to work with kittens. Aragorn immediately picked one up and mimed it saying: 'I can haz cheezburger?" to Elrond, who began laughing uncontrollably. Huan began clicking the camera. He glanced over at Glorfindel who was smiling.

"Best work these two have done yet." Glorfindel said. Huan nodded.

Gimli and Faramir showed up after Elrond and Aragorn. Gimli had had some troubles with the first outfit that had been picked for him (a summer dress and strappy heels, as they were supposed to match like Pippin and Gandalf, but he hadn't shaved his legs all competition….) so they had had to go for those jean capris that are always in during summer, whatever those things are called, an off the shoulder top and visible tank top straps with converse skimmers. Faramir was wearing a sun dress instead with strappy heels and bangles and his hair was curled so he looked extra cute.

They got to have kittens and puppies. Gimli had taken several allergy pills before coming onto set but he was sneezing like crazy, especially when a kitten began winding around Gimli's legs.

Huan shot Glorfindel a nervous look. "He doesn't do well with direction." Glorfindel whispered.

Faramir tried to help Gimli the best he could, but Gimli had had enough and shut down completely. Faramir was almost in tears because of Gimli not helping, so Faramir grabbed his kitten, Antonio Banderas and tried to make the best of it.

Merry and Frodo were last. They were wearing jean shorts, Merry had a plaid shirt that was kind of big on him, but made him look cute. Frodo had a more of a blouse style shirt on that was light green. They're hair had been lightly curled so they looked like they were just at the beach. The kittens and puppies began meowing and barking. Merry had an idea that Frodo should get on his hands and knees while Merry pilled as many puppies on as was possible.

"Like a piggy-back ride!" Merry said.

"You're so weird, whatever works darling!" Huan said.

Frodo flipped a stray bit of hair out of his face and smized.

At the end of the photo shoot Huan had gone off to go drink a bowl of water, so Glorfindel stuck around to tell them any extra stuff.

"Faramir, we want to tell you that you can keep Antonio Banderas." Glorfindel handed Faramir Antonio. Faramir was in a state of disbelief. "Because he makes you happy."

Gimli sneezed and side stepped away from Faramir.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time!-<p>

Orophin is shown using liberal amounts hair spray on a girl sitting in a stylist chair. Rumil is shown holding a positively ginormous bag and bedazzled sunglasses walking into a salon. Next he is applying makeup to a customer, who is frightened. Haldir is also there, talking into a phone and looking magnificent. _Lorienlicious_ appears on the screen in bright blue and diamonds.

Coming this season: Lorienlicious, only on Bravura channel. Watch. All. The. Drama.

Then shown is Rumil cat fighting with some dark haired elf.

-End of commercial!-

The models are hanging around the house, doing a workout video, except for Gimli who had shut himself in his room. Halfway through doing a half moon pose, the palantir lets off a sound like a thousand beluga whales. Elrond almost fell over if it weren't for Aragorn catching him. They all went into the hall.

"Only 7 of you will be going to our new exotic location, so one of you will be eliminated. Also, you have a new judge joining us for a while."

* * *

><p>The scene switches so that the models are all in the judging room. They have all had to put masks on, so as to keep the new judge a surprise.<p>

"Models, you can all take off your masks now." Galadriel said.

The models do so and all of them gasp. It's Legolas sitting next to Galadriel and Feanor. His hair is now back to being long and blonde and he waves at the models. "Miss me?" He said.

Pippin and Merry run over and hug Legolas. He hugs them back and they go stand with the other models.

"See, Celeborn is off in Cellogg land, so we needed a judge, so we brought Lego back!" Erestor explained.

"So, you guys had a photo shoot this week with Huan and a load of other animals, we'd like to see first: Gimli and Faramir." Their photo then materializes onto the mirror. It was of Faramir looking teary eyed and Gimli mid sneeze.

"Hm," Legolas said. "I see you haven't improved at taking directions Gimli."

Erestor looks worried. "Faramir, were you about to cry?"

Faramir nodded. "I'm just so depressed about my brother, but now I have Antonio!" He held up his kitten.

"Aw…he's so cute." Erestor smiled.

"And the bad thing was that all of your photos were like this," Galadriel said, she wasn't happy.

Frodo and Merry stepped up next. Their photo was of them laughing with the puppies sitting on Frodo.

"Huan said that he was very happy with your work." Galadriel said.

"I think you forgot to model," Feanor said disapprovingly. 'I know that Glorfindel said that it was about having fun…"

"No, don't listen to him! You work it Gimli! Work it like you were born to!" Erestor glared at Feanor. Feanor shrugged.

Pippin and Gandalf were next. It was the photo of them sitting with the puppies around them and they were smiling and generally having a good time while still looking model-esque.

"Wonderful!" Legolas said.

Galadriel nodded. "Fierce."

"Pippin, do that little walk again," Erestor said. Pippin strutted around the room again. Erestor beamed. "You've improved your walk."

"Yes I have," Pippin said.

Lastly were Elrond and Aragorn. They strutted up together with their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. Their picture showed up: it was the one of Aragorn holding a kitten and Elrond laughing.

"I'm so glad that you two have become such good friends." Legolas said.

Feanor stared at the picture. "You sort of lost your neck in the photo Aragorn." He pointed out. "And Elrond, you look a bit like a horse."

Aragorn shuffled around. Elrond stared back at Feanor.

"I think you did wonderful." Erestor said.

"Do you just say the opposite of everything I say?" Feanor asked.

Erestor did a hair-flick. "Perhaps."

Galadriel stepped out in front of the desk before Erestor and Feanor's argument could escalate anymore. "We deliberated before hand and our winners are: Pippin and Gandalf."

The two of them ran forward grabbed their photos, waved happily at Legolas and stood to the side.

"Merry and Aragorn, Elrond and Frodo," Galadriel said sadly. "Which leaves Faramir and Gimli in the bottom two."

"Seriously Gimli, three weeks in a row?" Legolas yelled before he could stop himself.

Gimli shook his head sadly.

"So, Gimli, three weeks. We do love you, but you can be so stubborn and we understand that you have a pet allergy, but there was no reason to shut off and leave Faramir like that. And Faramir, we understand that it's traumatic that your brother is dead and that Gimli was well you know…"

Faramir burst into tears. Gimli just stared at a spot above Erestor's head.

"So the person who's not going to the super exotic location is: Gimli." Faramir sank to his knees. Gimli nodded, hugged the other models and walked out of the room.

"Models!" Legolas said, suddenly wearing winter clothing. "I'm going to be your guide to the super exotic location!"

"And where exactly is our super exotic location Erestor?" Galadriel said with a gleeful tone in her voice.

Erestor waved his hand and about a dozen satyrs came out and started dancing along with at least 6 talking animals. "You're all going to Narnia!"

The models jaws dropped.

* * *

><p>And that's how the models are now trekking up the side of Caradhras in a blizzard so they could go into the Mines of Moria and somehow end up in Narnia.<p>

"I really hate C.S. Lewis for this." Pippin muttered. "Making people trek up a mountain, why couldn't we have gone through a bloody wardrobe?"

"I think the mountain wants the ring!" Frodo yelled. "Nonsense!" Gandalf replied, 'Why would a mountain want the ring? Besides, I thought you destroyed the ring months ago!"

"Yeah, about that…"

Suddenly the mountain rumbled, "Frodo of the shire, give me the ring!" The mountain then caused an avalanche. The screen goes black for a second.

* * *

><p>-Instead of a commercial, a please stand by message is shown-<p>

When we rejoin the models, they're right outside the mines of Moria and Legolas' head pops out from the snow that is now there. "Did the mountain just…eat us?"

Gandalf struggled to be free of the snow, he stared at the riddle. "Does anyone remember what the word was?" Everyone shook their heads. Merry and Pippin began to throw stones into the water, they forgot that a giant squid thing lived in there.

Aragorn grabbed Merry's wrist, "stop! There are things in that lake!"

"What kind of things?" Merry asked.

"I like things." Pippin added.

However the squid raised a tentacle out from the watery depths, grabbed Gandalf and pulled him under the water. Everything is quiet for a few seconds before the water starts bubbling then the kraken is suddenly spewed out of the water. (Cut to a scene of the Caradhras in widescreen where a blackened calamari that's on fire is flying through the air, the only thing heard is the wind whisteling.) Gandalf came up from out of the water, his clothes were smoking slightly.

"Well, enough of that, let's go into the mountain, I've suddenly remembered the password." Gandalf said and strode up to the door.

Pippin shrugged and followed. Antonio Banderas wrestled free from Faramir's grip and ran into the mine. "Antonio! Come back!" Faramir ran after the kitten.

"Faramir, we mustn't get lost!" Legolas put his hands on his hips, but everyone else went running after Faramir.

Eventually all the noise caused a whole load of goblins to run after them. Goblins like cats, but they like humans and hobbits better. Not elves though, they taste like flowers and prissy stuff like that.

Faramir eventually chased Antonio Banderas out of the mine all together. He stopped and shielded his eyes. There were 4 people waiting outside, two boys and two girls, they all looked bored.

"When the hell are they gonna get here?" The dark haired boy asked.

"Sit down will you?" The light haired boy said.

Faramir was tempted to go back into the mine when the presumably youngest and smallest of them grabbed him by the wrist. "Oh look, here's one, the others should be along any minute! What's your name?"

"Faramir," he said. "And what is yours little girl?"

"Lucy and I am not little."

"I'm Edmund," said the dark haired boy, "This is Peter and Susan," he pointed to the blonde boy and the older girl.

"Faramir, don't run away from us again." Legolas said, 'You know it ruins my hair, having to run like that through a mine, by the way, there are goblins after us. Good going."

Susan, who until that point had been braiding her hair suddenly sat up and smiled at Legolas. "Ooh, you've been chased by goblins? How…manly," she batted her eyelashes at him.

The other models then saved Legolas by running out of the mine and pushing a conveniently located boulder across the exit.

Peter gasped. "You're all covered in filth! You have to come back to Cair Paravel with us! It's also going to be your super-duper hot new model house from now on, aren't you lucky ducks?"

The models all looked at one another, shrugged then followed the kings and queens.

"Galadriel told us to wait right here for 8 people to come out of the mine." Lucy explained, "She gave us very specific instructions."

"Be quiet Lucy," Edmund said, "They probably want a rest, not here you twitter on about things."

* * *

><p>Many thanks to TheseAngelWings for coming up with Peter being prissy and Susan flirting with Lego, and the part with Edmund, Erestor, Feanor, and Glorfindel that shall be shown in upcoming episodes.<p>

And to StrawBaby Chick: Thank you for the photo shoot idea!

Ichipup: I didn't forget Pippin this time! I don't think I forgot anyone else either…

Cellogg land needs explaining: The C in Celeborn gives off a k sound so essentially it's Keleborn. A commercial for Kellogg's just so happened to be on while I was writing, so Cellogg's it is! I had a bit too much fun writing the commercial.

Lorienlicious: the thing, not really a word licious is now being stuck onto every word you can think of for example : divalicious and fergalicious.

Also, Narnia fans, I now love the series; I read the first four books in _one _day, which is pretty good I think, I don't know how fast you guys read so I have nothing to compare it too. And I love it not just because of the movies; I had to read The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe years ago. I was the only one who knew what the word "parcel" meant.


	9. The girl with all the fans

Last episode I made Erestor say work it Gimli instead of work instead of "work it Pippin" but I guess it works because Erestor has made it clear that he likes Gimli.

* * *

><p>Peter skipped ahead of the rest of them, "See that orchard? It never use to be that big, but in 1300 years, everything grows a lot."<p>

"Yes, I have seen many acorns grow into might oaks," Legolas commented, Susan smiled at him and flipped her hair.

"So, you're a prince of Mirkwood?" Susan asked, Legolas nodded slowly, trying very discreetly to hid behind Faramir, "Wow, I'm a queen you know, Queen Susan the gentle," Lucy rolled her eyes, Susan continued to give Legolas doe eyes.

Glorfindel burst out of the doors, striking a pose, and looking smouldery eyes towards Edmund.

-Somewhere behind the scenes-

Erestor is looking into Galadriel's mirror. "How dare he be so damn good looking in a British way that makes Glorfindel give him smouldery eyes! I am the only one who gets smouldery eyes!"

Feanor patted Erestor on the shoulder, "Should I have a talk with Edmund?"

"I want that little brat dead!" Erestor yelled.

"The enemy of my enemy is my friend," Feanor said quietly.

Erestor looked up from his plotting, "When and what did he do to anger you?"

"He ate all my Turkish delight, and Galadriel gave him 3 strands of her hair. I have asked that girl for over 4,000 years to give me a piece of her hair every Christmas and my birthday and she never has! I want that little brat dead too!"

"When did he eat all your Turkish delight?" Erestor asked, he liked Turkish delight.

"When I was taking a drive in my sled many winters ago. I didn't want to give him any, but the dwarf was all, "ooh, give the poor boy some Turkish delight, he looks dead on his feet," And I was like 'hell no," but then he gave me puppy dog eyes so I gave him some and do you know how hard it is to get Turkish delight in Middle Earth?"

Meanwhile, Edward was searching for something buried deeply in a chest in his room. He straightened up suddenly, "Odd, I feel as if someone wants to kill me."

* * *

><p>Glorfindel and Lucy made the models take a walk down to the beach with them. Glorfindel said that there was someone very special who wanted to meet them. Legolas went with them even though he was supposed to stay with the judges until judging time. He kept clutching Lucy's arm because he knew if he stayed with Lucy or Edmund Susan would leave him alone.<p>

Lucy wrenched her arm out of Legolas' grip, "honestly, if you let her down gently, she'll leave you alone."

"She's worse than a Mary-Sue Lucy! I've faced many Mary-Sue's but she is the worst fan I've ever met. I don't feel safe at night now that I've meet her, I'll have to lock all the doors and windows and sleep with a gun under my pillow."

"We haven't even spent a night here yet," Glorfindel pointed out, "Anyhowsie, Lucy, does Edmund have a significant other?"

"How should I know? I'm like 13 and I can kick ass, which doesn't make any sense because Narnia is presumably set in the middle ages and most women didn't fight back then and everyone here can shoot an arrow after like _one _practice session and are master sword fighters and I have to go through puberty _twice, _what makes you think I'm interested in what my brother has to say or do?"

"Well, he's your brother…." Pippin said, Lucy shot him a look.

Faramir skipped ahead of them, "I'm a beautiful butterfly!" He was wearing one of those bat wing sleeved tops, so when you stand somewhere and it's windy, you actually do look like a butterfly, or Kate Winslet from Titanic, you know that scene where Leo is holding her and she's "flying."

When they reached the beach there in the harbor is a ship with a single mast and a dragon's head for a figure head painted green and purple. Suddenly, Erestor swing from a rope down to meet the models. He smiled and looks very pirate-y with a headscarf and a billowy shirt on. He gave Glorfindel smouldery eyes. "Models! I want you to meet someone very special!"

Another person swings down and lands gracefully in front of the models. He flips his amazing brown hair out of his face and smiles.

"I'm Prince Caspian," Peter said with a dreamy inflection in his voice, he randomly showed up for that part, by the way.

"No you're not," said the guy with prince-charming hair. "I am."

Peter pouted and stormed off camera. The actual Caspian, who in this looks like Ben Barnes, frowns for a second and then smiles again. Ramandu's daughter suddenly glides up to Ben- er I mean Caspian and hold his hand. A fan, presumably TheseAngelWings, runs up with a Mary-Sue gun (picture a cross between a bazooka and a net gun) and shoots it at Ramandu's daughter, drags her away and has a celebration like the one where Jack gets captured by pelegostos, except no one is getting eaten.

"Weeeeiirrdd," Glorfindel said, "that's why you never _ever_ get on the bad side of fans, they're crazy."

"Like a coconut!" Legolas yelled.

"He looks really familiar," Pippin whispered to Merry.

"Oh ma Gawd! I know where we've seen him before, sing for us!" Merry yelled.

"Um, I don't really sing-" Caspian began.

"Sing for us!"

"Weren't you in that boy band?" Frodo asked.

"…Perhaps, but that has nothing to do with what I do now, besides I'm a prince…."

"Sing!" Frodo yelled.

"No."

"I'll sing with you!" Faramir offered, "I'll start: I feel so pretty, oh so pretty-"

"Stop that," Caspian ordered.

"What? Would you prefer men in tights?"

"No," Caspian glared at him.

"Please sing!" Glorfindel begged.

"No."

"Will you at least say "you killed my father,"" Aragorn asked with puppy dog eyes.

"You keeled my fhazher," Caspian said, (That's my attempt at writing someone with a Spanish accent, not as easy as French) and then he walked back up to Cair Paravel with the fan who had the Mary-Sue gun, still presumably TheseAngelWings, muttering something in Telmarine.

Glorfindel shook his head, "Who wants to go visit ?"

"We do!" The models said excitedly.

-No commercials for this episode, if you need a bathroom break you should have gone before the episode started-

-Back at Cair Paravel-

Peter and Aragorn were sword fighting with one another whilst Faramir was playing with Antonio Banderas, Merry and Pippin were annoying some satyrs, Legolas and Caspian were fighting off fan girls (and Susan) and Erestor and Feanor were hiding in a tree, spying on Edmund.

"Are you sure that leaving him a trail of Reese's pieces will work?" Feanor hissed.

"If it was good enough for E.T. it's good enough for that little brat," Erestor tightened his grip on a rope, which was attached to a huge axe, which would swing down and chop Edmund into little pieces once he followed the trail of Reese's pieces.

Edmund, taking a break from whatever it is Edmund's do, found the trail of Reese's pieces. He looked around, "Guess the free candy is for me, thanks ninja candy giver!"

"You're freaking welcome," Erestor whispered and glared at Edmund.

Edmund stopped at the bottom of the tree where Erestor and Feanor were hiding. There was a king size bag of Reese's pieces proper up precariously by the tree, Edmund sat down and began eating them one at a time with a look of pure joy on his face, somewhere in the distance the fangirls stop what they're doing, look at Edmund and collectively "Awwwww."

Erestor glanced over at Feanor, who nodded. Erestor began to let go of the rope, the axe began swinging towards Edmund…until Glorfindel came running up, pushed Edmund out of the way and began devouring the Reese's pieces.

"Aslan and Illuvatar dammit!" Feanor cursed quietly.

Glorfindel looked over at Edmund. Peter and Caspian and co. came running over. "How dare you push my little brother!" Peter yelled, "We do not accept bullies in this great country of NARNIA!" His voice got all serious when he said Narnia.

Lucy smacked Peter on the back of the head, "If he'll be so stupid to eat candy that mysteriously appeared then he deserved it."

"I want some candy," Elrond pouted, everyone raised an eyebrow at him because he is the model with the smallest sweet tooth.

"I want candy," Gandalf began singing to himself.

"I want candy," Aragorn began singing.

"I go to see him when the sun goes down," Edmund began to sing too but in an off key sort of way.

"Please stop singing," Lucy face-palmed.

Susan scooted up next to Legolas, "Do _you _want candy Legolas?"

Legolas screamed like a fan girl and ran away.

"Ain't no finer boy in town," Merry started dancing, Pippin joined in, "You're my guy, you're what the doctor ordered."

"So sweet you make my mouth water," Frodo grinned.

Erestor jumped down out of the tree, "I want candy!" He yelled, everyone stopped dancing, (Caspian doing a tango with Frodo and dropping him mid dip) and stared at Erestor, "Oh this is….weird." Erestor said before running off camera.

-I lied, there are commercials-

Galadriel's voice is heard via voice over: "Next week, we will be taking a behind the scenes look at the models journey." There's one shot of Elrond siting on the floor straightening out all his Slinky's. Then there's another shot of Gimli and Legolas having a slap fight, Legolas playing with lego, the giant squid in the mines of Moria is threatening to sue Gandalf….

"Also next week: A special _All my Elflings…."_

Sam holds up Galadriel's phial, "In this phial is the phial of Galadriel….wait, no, that's not right at all is it Sting?" The camera zooms out to show that Sam is in Shelob's lair, holding the phial of Galadriel aloft and Sting is mindlessly following Sam singing "walking on the moon."

The scene switches so that we now see Susan and Legolas walking together in along a castle wall, Legolas stops, turns to face Susan and hold her hands.

"My love," Susan smiles up at Legolas.

"Susan my dear, you are annoying, bossy, rather round shouldered, your hair is almost always in your face, you're occasionally vain and you don't believe Lucy when she tells you she sees Aslan," Legolas brushed some hair out of Susan's face, "You practically adopted some random boy from Archenland and didn't even care when his twin brother took his place. Why everyone thinks Lucy is the dumb shit, I will never know."

Susan stared at him stupidly, "I love you Legolas! I want to go back to Mirkwood and have lots of babies with you and help you shoot down lots of spiders and orcs-"

"That'd be nice if you actually knew how to use a bow and arrow…"

"Be still, my love, my prince, you are perfection! Nothing is more perfect than you!" Susan began swooning, "Legolas Greenleaf, marry me!"

"Er, yeah….I have somewhere I need to be…." Legolas side glanced and legged it, leaving Susan standing there with a dumb smile on her face.

(I am making _All my Elflings _into a series just so I can throw characters from Narnia and Harry Potter at the LOTR characters, expect it sometime around the TNTM finale, melodrama and characters acting like Mary Sues will be rampant)

* * *

><p>The next day, Glorfindel and Peter were standing out in a meadow looking gorgeous. The models, now riding in the TNTM mega carriage because Narnia is a green country, turned up several minutes later.<p>

Peter and Glorfindel smiled at one another. They were besties now, "Dolls," Peter said.

"It's time for your photo shoot!" Glorfindel announced.

"I'm going to be your photographer," Peter announced proudly.

"Yes you are sweetie, now models, this challenge is going to be a super special one because there are 7 of you and there are 7 friends of Narnia. So with those clues, can you guess who you're going to be?"

The models shrugged.

"You're going to be the 7 friends of Narnia sillies!" Peter laughed, "One of you gets to play me!"

"God help the one who has to be Susan!" Gandalf joked.

Peter's face suddenly turned grave, "Yes, Aslan help them especially because Susan isn't a friend of Narnia."

"What? I thought she was." Aragorn said in disbelief.

Peter threw himself onto a nearby couch and began fiddling with his hair like that one girl you know always does and you can see it out of the corner of your eye and it is extremely distracting, "She's not a friend because she doesn't believe in Narnia anymore," Peter sighed dramatically, "Susan wanted to be a young adult and spent all of her younger years trying to act like it and now that she is a young adult she'll do anything to stay that age."

"Ok," Glorfindel said, "It's time to let the models know who they are going to be:

"Gandalf, Diggory Kirke.

Elrond, Eustace.

Aragorn, Peter.

Frodo, Edmund.

Merry, Jill Pole.

Pippin, Polly.

And Faramir, Lucy."

"Why am I always an old guy?" Gandalf grumbled, 'Once, just once I want to be the hot one."

"You can't be old _and _hot, it just can't be done," Merry said.

"What about Betty White, she's pretty hot?" Aragorn asked, everyone eyed him warily, "What? I like older women. Besides, I am somewhere around 80."

Glorfindel shook his mane of glorious blonde hair, "It's time for hair and makeup."

After hair and makeup, Elrond was first up. "I don't like this blonde wig," Elrond complained.

Peter raised an eyebrow, "You look odd as a blonde, dark hair suits you much better."

"Yeah, but he's already in character, I mean he's already started complaining," Edmund strolled by, "I came to see the models model!"

"That's nice Ed."

Somewhere in a dark corner of the studio, Erestor was hiding until Edmund appeared. Erestor walked up to him gracefully wearing a disguise and holding a sandwich.

"Hey thanks! How did you know I was hungry?" Edmund asked the disguised Erestor.

Erestor shrugged and walked away. Glorfindel glanced over his shoulder at Edmund, "Where'd you get that sandwich?"

"Some assistant gave it to me," Edmund took a large bite out of the sandwich and began chewing nosily.

"I want a sandwich," Pippin pouted in hair and makeup, having overheard Edmund and Glorfindel's conversation.

Peter attempted to grab half of Edmund's sandwich but Edmund dropped his sandwich and it exploded.

"What the hell?" Edmund jumped into Peter's arms.

"Your sammich had a bomb in it!" Glorfindel yelled excitedly.

Peter and Edmund exchanged looks, "Did you eat any of it?" Peter asked. Edmund nodded then ran off to the bathrooms to be sick, not from bulimia but from fear, Edmund is not the type that cares that much about his appearance.

About 10 minutes later the photo shoot was underway. Elrond was upset that his photo shoot had been interrupted by an attempted sandwich bombing and had decided to sulk through the photo shoot, Glorfindel didn't care much as he was making smouldery eyes at Edmund.

Merry was next, he came out skipping wearing frock and holding a bow and arrow, the backdrop was of the woods, as Jill is excellent in the subject of tracking and other woodly stuff.

"I love this dress," Merry twirled around, his wig nearly came off his head.

"It's very flattering," Peter commented and began clicking the camera.

"Can I get another sandwich, preferably this time without a bomb in it?" Edmund looked around.

"Someone get King Edmund the Just a sandwich!" Glorfindel yelled, making several assistants jump, "And don't forget his dwink!" He added, purposely not saying the r in drink.

Frodo came to set looking very happy dressed as Edmund, his hair had been darkened slightly and even Edmund stopped eating his sandwich to admire the makeup artist's handiwork, "Wow, do I really look like that, all pouty and dark and FREAKNI' GORGEOUS?"

Peter rolled his eyes, "Of course you're gorgeous. I taught you everything I know about personal hygiene…which you only do on occasion," Edmund stared down at his nails, which were filthy.

Glorfindel popped his head over the computer monitor, "Ok, time to do some modeling!"

Frodo nodded picked up a foam broadsword though he just wasn't getting into character, "I'm confused."

"About what?" Edmund asked.

"Well, what's mine slash your motivation, why am I going off to into battle?"

"I'm a king, and a king goes into battle, but my motivation is to be absolutely gorgeous along with Peter here," Edmund said quickly as Peter was glaring at him, "Plus, Lucy will never let me forget about the white witch, so I have to make sure I never get lured into a trap like that ever again."

Frodo nodded again, picked up the broadsword and began acting like Edmund. Glorfindel smiled over at Edmund.

Gandalf rather grudgingly came to set dressed in a suit and tie and his hair pulled back. Glorfindel glared at Gandalf and then motioned over to the Pevensie's in a way that said, "If you don't shape up and be happy I will kill you in the most horrible, painful way possible, Sauron ain't got nothing on me."

So the wizard began looking thoughtful and stuff while Peter clicked away.

"You're face looks a little dead," Edmund said through a mouthful of his second sandwich, "Try and look happier."

Faramir turned up next dressed as Lucy in 1940's gear. Faramir had a backdrop of satyrs and dryads and other stuff that the perpetually optimistic Lucy would love. He held onto a fake tree and peered around it with a surprised look on his face.

"Sweetie, it's good so far, just relax your hand slightly, right now it's starting to look like a skeleton," Glorfindel said from behind the computer station. "Oh, much better thank you."

Pippin was next as Polly; he got immediately into character by holding out the yellow ring in his outstretched hand. Frodo got mad because he said that Pippin was copying what he had done on the cover of the _Fellowship of the Ring _DVD cover. So after that little outburst Pippin was made to stand in a pool of water for several frames before complaining of numbness.

And lastly was Aragorn as Peter. He was last because he had to have 3 baths (with water, not dirt) before he was deemed remotely clean enough to model as Peter. Also, he had been given a blonde wig because none of the Narians' wanted to touch his hair.

Peter shrugged, "I mean, it's not like looking into a mirror, but it's close enough."

"Cause no one is pretty as you are they Peter?" Edmund said sarcastically.

"Except maybe Caspian…." Frodo looked dreamy eyed.

"He's sooooo hot!" Some random fangirl yelled from somewhere on set.

"And nice!" Another one shouted.

"And smart!" A third one added.

"Seriously, where are these girls all coming from?" Peter shuddered.

"I thought this was a closed set." Glorfindel said, "Honestly I had no idea that they'd be everywhere."

"At least they're not trying to pull us apart," Pippin said, "Everyone knows that I'm extremely nice to fans and that's why all the fans want to hug me and like me the best."

Merry stuck his tongue out at Pippin, "I'm the nicest."

"No Frodo is," Faramir intervened, "He just loves to sign those autographs, don't you Frodo?" Frodo nodded happily.

As soon as they were done with Aragorn, who did a very good job, the models, Edmund, Glorfindel and Peter jumped into the mega TNTM carriage and went back to Cair Paravel without taking off the makeup or the costumes. The crew would do everything as always.

"I wonder how I did," Frodo said innocently.

"We can't say. We're not allowed." Edmund said.

"I have a strange feeling we left someone behind…." Peter said.

The lights switch off in the studio, Erestor is still in there and was now left to the mercy of fangirls. Picture Erestor saying "Helllooo? Hello? Anyone there?" And all you see in the darkness is the fangirls yellow eyes and teeth.

* * *

><p>-Commercial!-<p>

A hobbit is standing at a bar; a human comes up and leans on the hobbit as if he were a barstool.

"Hey! I'm a living creature here!" The hobbit kicks the man in the shins, the man walks off grumbling. The hobbit shakes his head, "I wish I were taller."

Suddenly, a hobbit, presumably a male or a female with a dire need of an upper lip wax floats into the bar like Glenda the good witch, dressed like her too, "What's your problem?" Glenda-Hobbit asks in a rather manly voice.

"I wish I was taller o hobbit godmother!" The hobbit that had been mistaken for a barstool said.

"Here, I'm not a hobbit godmother, I just came in from disco dancing, take these," the hobbit in the dress pushed a pair of sparkly blue platform shoes into the hobbit barstool's arms. "Now you'll be taller." The hobbit in the dress walked out of the bar.

The barstool hobbit put on the heels and strutted around, "I feel amazingly tall!"

A voice over says "The next time you feel small, put on a pair of Barahir Morwen, comes in a variety of colours," a shot of several other hobbits dancing in the shoes is shown.

-Fanks a ton Strawbaby Chick for idea, I tried to make the name sound sort of classy like Manolo Blahnik-

* * *

><p>-Before judging-<p>

Feanor and Erestor are talking quietly to one another; Galadriel takes her seat in the center of the table. Legolas had a bottle of wine with him because Susan has been following him again.

"Do you want to go back to middle earth?" Galadriel asked.

"Yes! I can't take much more of her! She's driving me insane! She keeps flirting with me and I'll feel bad if I tell her I don't like her." Legolas face-desked.

Galadriel patted him on the shoulder, 'I think it might be best if you went home, we'll ask the kings and queens of Narnia to be quest judges. This whole Susan thing is getting out of hand."

Glorfindel came prancing past, "Have any of you guys seen Edmund?" Galadriel and Legolas shook their heads.

"Why do _you_ want with _him_?" Erestor spat.

"I just wanna talk to him…." Glorfindel looked slightly offended, "Geez, no need to blow a gasket Erestor."

At this point, the models filled into the room. They all smiled nervously and waved. Glorfindel shot one last look at Erestor before walking out of the room in a huff.

Galadriel frowned before turning her attention to the models, "So, you all had a photo shoot with Peter and Edmund, who I heard was almost killed with a bomb sandwich!"

"Yeah," Feanor mumbled and crossed his arms across his chest.

"We'd like to see Frodo first," Legolas sat up.

Frodo strutted up to the middle of the catwalk. His picture showed up on the mirror of Galadriel. His photo showed him as Edmund with dark hair and holding a sword ready to hack down some enemies.

"Fantastic," Feanor said.

"Yes, apparently Edmund helped you a bit, but that's ok because this is a great shot!" Galadriel smiled.

"Thank you." Frodo went back and stood with the other models.

Elrond was next, his photo showed him pouting on the deck of the _Dawn Treader_ and he actually was in character.

"Elrond," Legolas said, "It's a good thing that you had a pouty character otherwise you'd get a big telling off from us."

Erestor nodded, 'It doesn't matter if someone was about to eat a ticking time bomb, you still should have acted very professional.

Elrond nodded, "I just got upset."

"Well don't let it happen again!" Legolas yelled angrily. Elrond scurried back to his assigned place; he had seen Legolas get mad at people for touching his hair care products before.

Aragorn was told that he had done a very good job, but he really needed to take more baths. Gandalf was yelled at because he had had a tantrum on set about playing an old guy, again.

"I'm tired of playing the old one, why can't I be the hot one?" He asked angrily.

"Because you _are _old?" Erestor answered in a very sly way.

Galadriel played with her pen for a second, "It's just something that you have to overcome, like you know, I have to deal with Feanor asking me every holiday for some of my hair-"

"Which I never get!" Feanor pouted.

"You just have to keep telling yourself "I can do this," but in my case it's "No for the millionth time Feanor."

Pippin and Merry also did very good jobs. Earlier, Frodo had forgiven Pippin for stealing his pose with ice cream and trying to impersonate annoying Caspian's accent, which was fun until Caspian walked in and asked them what was so damn funny.

Faramir was last; when his photo showed up he practically squealed in delight, "I look so good!"

The judges nodded, "You really managed to capture Lucy's personality." Galadriel noted.

Erestor looked at Faramir, "Why are you still wearing the dress?" By the way it was the one she wore in LWW when she meets Mr. Tumnus.

"I….like the dress?" Faramir said hopefully.

"Weirdo." Legolas grumbled.

* * *

><p>-Some deliberation later-<p>

Galadriel was now standing in front of the judges table wearing one of her normal white dress since they were in Narnia, she couldn't wear jeans even though she had grown rather attached to them. The other judges and everyone else for that matter were wearing their regular Lotr/Narnia clothing except for Faramir.

The models came back into the room, Faramir holding Antonio Banderas who was getting fat from all the pampering.

"We all know how this works, so the photo of the week is: Merry!" Galadriel said and flipped over Merry's photo.

"Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" Merry hugged Galadriel, grabbed his photo and stood off to the side.

"You're very welcome Pippin, ok now: Aragorn, Frodo Pippin and Faramir- no I do not want to hold Antonio Banderas, Faramir, thank you."

"Which leaves Elrond and Gandalf in the bottom two," Legolas said.

Elrond and Gandalf stepped forward together.

Galadriel took a deep breath, "Ok, so the kings and queens of Narnia are holding a feast soon, so; Elrond, you can't throw a fit and then expect to get top photo, we don't care if Edmund almost ate a bomb sandwich, just be professional, and Gandalf, we know that you're mad about being cast as the old one, but we do it because we know that you _can _see what we mean? But we here love you both lots and we're sad to say that the person going home is…."

"Gandalf," Feanor said with absolutely no emotion in his voice.

Galadriel glared at him over her shoulder, "That's my job. But yes, Gandalf you are going home-"

Legolas burst into very noisy tears behind her, "This is worse than when he diiiieeedd! And then came back! And then went to Grey Havens!" Feanor patted Legolas on the back.

Gandalf hugged all the models and Edmund, Peter, Lucy, Susan (who kept eyeing up Legolas) and Caspian who came in when Galadriel was announcing top photo and left.

-Gandalf's last screen time-

"I still think that I can do better than just an old guy. I am a bit mad about going home, of course, but at least I got to see Narnia. So yeah, I think that's it…"

* * *

><p>1) Peter proclaiming he is Prince Caspian is from the bloopers of Prince Caspian. Go watch it on YouTube.<p>

2 )Fangirls everywhere is a joke, but seriously they always know a way to find their fav celebs no matter where they are, and you'd better run for your life if you insult one of their celebs in front of them. But seriously, I like fangirls, as long as they're not like Team Edward kind, all crazy obsessed & will hit you with a shovel of your Team Jacob.

3 )Ramandu's daughter: I don't remember her name but so far I think she's turning out to be like Arwen, banished to the indexes for a reason. I'll have to read The last battle soon, eh…I hate her, not because she has Caspian, who_** is**_ property of fangirls, but she's all : "Oh here, have some food and drink while I be all Mary Sue and .. I'm so special my dad is literally a star." What the hell?

4) Whilst I was writing the behind the scenes with Erestor and Feanor I was listening to "Let's kill tonight" by Panic! At the Disco, ironic no? I didn't even plan it; I just left itunes on shuffle.

5) Unrelated note: I watched a documentary recently and who of all people narrated it: Dominic Monaghan! AKA Merry! If I had a drink in hand I would have done a spit take.

6) Ben Barnes was in a band called Hyrise, that's why everyone wanted him to sing.

7) The longest chapter yet, but I feel as if it were the shortest chapter so far, also yes there was no intro for this chapter, Galadriel will through a hissy fit next time.


	10. The girl with the tiara

Galadriel pops up in front of the camera, "Hello?" She taps the screen, "How could you have an intro without me? I'm the top judge."

An assistant in a suit carrying a clipboard and a Frappuccino runs out, "We're sorry, we ran out of time, we had to cut your part."

"What? You had time for Mr. supermegafoxyawesomehot-luscious hair-Caspian but not enough time for me?"

The assistant shrugged, 'I don't control the show, I just run around and get people coffee. By the way it's time for you to go on."

Galadriel shakes her head, does a few deep breathes and smiles at the camera and says, "You wanna be on top?"

The assistant slaps him/herself in the head, the assistants dress androgynous so it's impossible to tell the gender, "We forgot to show clips of last week!"

Galadriel rolled her eyes. The scene changes so now there are clips of Lotr and Narnia co. dancing, Edmund eating Reese's pieces, Erestor giving Edmund a sandwich, more dancing, deliberation and Gandalf being sent home. Also Legolas cowering in fear.

* * *

><p>-Opening credits!-<p>

The models are all lounging around Cair Paravel, Susan is depressed because she can't find Legolas anywhere and Edmund is paranoid that anything he eats will kill him. Elrond is re-straightening out his Slinky's because someone (Merry) re-coiled them.

Pippin and Lucy kicked open the doors holding a huge platter of junk food. The kings and queens of Narnia decided to have a slumber party because Cair Paravel is huge and hey, why not?

"I miss Gandalf," Aragorn said, lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

"He got kinda bitchy in the end," Frodo began painting Peter's nails, Barbie pink of course!

Peter shook his head, "You shouldn't trash talk people, it's mean!"

"You trash talk people all the time." Edmund pointed out.

"Yes but I am the high king, so that's ok for me to do it."

Susan burst into the room wearing Legolas' jerkin over her dress, "Have you seen Legolas?" She asked them. They all shook their heads; Susan wailed and ran down the corridor.

"Freak," Caspian scoffed and walked into the room, sitting down next to Faramir.

"Hey, your accent is gone!" Faramir said.

"What? Yeah it has."

"Where did it go?" Frodo asked.

"I don't know, on vacation?" Caspian said sarcastically.

"Sorry I asked."

"Who wants junk food?" Lucy said, throwing cotton candy at Pippin.

Edmund shrank back, "It wants to kill me, I just know it!"

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Food does not have a brain, it can't think for itself. Besides, it'll only kill you if you have an allergic reaction or choke to death. And you're not allergic to anything here, so eat something already!"

Edmund glared at her before picking a king sized candy bar. Peter grabbed a caramel apple.

"Got any pipe-weed?" Merry asked, "I smoked all mine before last panel."

"There's some in the store cupboards, I checked," Elrond said, everyone stared at him.

"Ok, first you develop a sweet tooth and now you get a smoking habit?" Aragorn asked.

Elrond shrugged, "I'm immortal, ergo I can't get fat and I won't die of lung cancer _and _my wife crossed to the undying lands, so I need something to do."

"Aw does somebody miss their wifey-poo," Frodo joked.

"Say that again and I'll rip your arm out of its socket."

-A little while later-

The models and the rulers of Narnia are singing_, again_, "Thriller!" Peter jumped up on a bed, holding a hair brush as a microphone; everyone has done that one point in their life, admit it.

"Thriller night!" Pippin chimed in.

"So let me hold you tight and share a killer thriller!" Elrond sang while doing a very bad moonwalk.

Mr. Tumnus burst in wearing curlers, lion slippers, a green face mask and a bath robe, "Will you shut up! I'm trying to get my beauty sleep!" Peter dropped his microphone/hairbrush.

"I come home in the morning light," Caspian began singing.

"My mother says when you gonna live your life right?" Lucy started singing too.

"Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones," They sang together, "And girls, they wanna have fun, oh girls just wanna have fun!"

"Stop it this instant!" Mr. Tumnus stamped a hoof.

"What don't like Cyndi Lauper?" Lucy asked.

"So delicious!" Frodo yelled.

"It's hot, hot!" Aragorn yelled back.

"So delicious!"

"I put them boys on rock rock!"

"So delicious!" Frodo threw a pillow at Mr. Tumnus, it hit him in the face.

"They want a taste of what I got!" Aragorn also threw a pillow at .

"I'm being serious! You have a very important thing to do tomorrow!" Mr. Tumnus gave up and stormed out of the room.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time-<p>

Some random elves and humans are sunbathing on a beach, one of the humans touches their (the human's) leg, "Why the heck do women have leg hair, it's so gross." The women all nod.

A blonde human asks, "Do elves have leg hair?"

"Yes." An elf replies, all the humans look stunned.

"So how do you not get razor or wax burn?" The blonde human asked.

The elf shrugged, "I use Vana."

And then some theme song kicks in: "She's got it, yeah baby she's got it!" Then the humans and the elves all jump off a cliff into the water. Girly commercials are extremely stupid; this specific commercial is an example.

-End commercial-

Glorfindel bursts into the room where the models and the rulers of Narnia are in and rips open the blinds.

"Oh my Aslan! I've gone blind!" Peter screamed.

"Peter, you forgot to take off your eye mask," Edmund rubbed his eyes blearily.

"Oh thank heavens," Peter removed his eye mask and gave a sigh of relief.

Glorfindel cleared his throat, "The models have a challenge to do today-"

Frodo groaned, "I'm tired, can't we just be fabulous tomorrow?"

"No, you have go-sees to do!" Glorfindel stamped his foot.

The rest of the models groaned. "I freaking hate go-sees!" Aragorn yelled.

"It won't be that bad, you'll get a talking horse, Google earth maps and about 3 hours plus an hour to get ready."

Caspian, whom had been drifting in and out of sleep for a while suddenly snapped awake, "An hour? How am I supposed to get ready in an hour? That's not long enough for a shower!"

"No Caspian, you're not in the competition, you don't have to do go-sees."

"Thank Aslan!" Caspian relaxed slightly, "But you still woke me up so I'm mad."

Glorfindel shrugged.

-About an hour later-

The models are standing around outside with Google earth maps and a change of clothes packed in bags so they could change to impress the designers. Several Narnian assistants came out leading horses and ponies. They helped the hobbits get on and then they were on their way to their go sees.

The models had 4 go sees to do in 3 hours, two of the go-sees were modeling for haute couture, another was for a new style of armor and the last one was for bathing suites.

Aragorn was first to get to his go-see, the armor one first. The designer was extremely happy with Aragorn's performance and told him that he would definitely book him for a runway. The next one Aragorn went to was one of the haute couture.

The designer was one of those weird artsy people that wore ginormous hats and oversized clothes paired with sky heels and crazy makeup. He, yes the designer is a he, greeted Aragorn warmly.

"My, aren't you tall? Let's get you into a dress and you can show me your walk,' The designer pulled out a dress made entirely out of tulle and smiled manically.

Frodo was having problems getting to his go-sees. You see, Frodo isn't very good with maps so he almost broke down crying. When he eventually got to his go-see, the bathing suite one, he was such a mess that he had unfortunately done a bad job of it.

Faramir and Elrond went to the same go-see by coincidence, Faramir was first up for the designer and Elrond was left fuming out in the hall.

Merry and Pippin had decided to go to one go-see, the other haute couture go-see with a slightly less eccentrically dressed designer, then went back to Cair Paravel to smoke some pipe weed before any of the other models came back.

Elrond was at his next go-see, the armor one. The two designers gave him elf-y style armor and made him strut his stuff for them.

So, a while later, Frodo was the third model back to Cair Paravel with half an hour left to spare.

"I got 3 of the go-sees down," Frodo said excitedly, "I think I did really well, but then again, I didn't go to the armor one."

Pippin exhaled a load of smoke in Frodo's face, "We only went to one."

"Glorfindel won't be pleased with you," Frodo said.

Merry shrugged, "We'll just ask Edmund to give him smouldery eyes that should do the trick."

Elrond dismounted from his horse and sat next to Frodo, "I managed to do all 4." He said proudly.

"Ooh, good for you, how do you think you did?" Frodo asked.

"I think I got the armor one booked. I wasn't very glad about the swimsuit one though."

The hobbits nodded understandably. About 25 minutes later, Aragorn joined them. Glorfindel came out a few minutes later with Lucy at his elbow.

"Models, hey, where's Faramir?" Glorfindel asked, the models shrugged.

"Ooh, I think he's late," Lucy said.

"Which means he is unfortunately disqualified," Glorfindel struck Faramir's name of his clipboard.

"What?" Faramir yelled, having finally gotten back to Cair Paravel.

"Your disqualified from the go-see challenge," Lucy pointed to her watch, "You're about 6 minutes late."

"I don't believe it!"

"It's not the end of the world," Glorfindel tried to calm Faramir down but he stormed off, cursing loudly.

"Let's just tell the models the results," Lucy said.

"Ok…Elrond, you got to all 4, you got booked for two, which is ok but the designers said you have a very harsh face and you need to relax your jaw. Aragorn, booked all 4, Frodo, booked all 3…Merry and Pippin, you only got to 1, and we saw you outside smoking pipeweed-"

Luckily for Merry and Pippin, Edmund walked past Glorfindel and gave him smouldery eyes.

"So…" Glorfindel said dreamily being a bit distracted by Edmund, "That's…bad but… In light of circumstances…"

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Don't do it again. And Faramir got 3 out of 4 but is disqualified so that makes Aragorn the winner!"

Aragorn screamed like a girly, "What do I win?"

"You win a fabulous tiara and scepter!" Lucy said handing Aragorn the sparkly stuff, "Keep in mind that this will help in the photo shoot coming up!"

* * *

><p>-Commercial time-<p>

Fatty Bolger is bustling about in a kitchen, he looks up at the camera, "So, it's that time again. First Yule! And when it seems that every hobbit in the shire is coming to your house for food and you have no idea what to cook, watch my new special: Bolger's Yule time extravaganza, Monday 10 Southern time."

There's a bell ringing and Bolger drops the smile, "God. I hate my life," he mutters. The camera swivels around to show the one producer face-palming and another one with his jaw dropped. "I mean, come on _extravaganza? _Who am I? Bloody Rupaul?"

-End commercial-

* * *

><p>The next day the models lounged around outside waiting for Glorfindel and the photographer to come get them for the photo-shoot. The TNM mega carriage driver er drove them to their photo shoot. Outside waiting for them was Caspian and Glorfindel. The models filled out of the carriage into a line.<p>

"Models, guess what today's photo shoot is about!" Glorfindel said. The models looked around; there was a castle in front of them, a wood and an ocean nearby.

"Another shoot to do with water?" Elrond asked.

Caspian shook his head, "It has something to do with the tiara Aragorn is wearing."

"Um, we get lots of jewelry?" Frodo asked.

"Well yes, sort of, you are all going to dress up as: Disney princesses!"

Pippin squealed, "Finally! I want to have the biggest dress!"

Glorfindel got out the hat, "Ok, Merry is going to be Ariel, no surprise there with that red hair, Frodo is going to be Jasmine, and no Frodo, you will not be getting a real tiger. Faramir is Belle. Aragorn, Pocahontas. Pippin is going to be Snow white and Elrond is going to be-"

"Mulan?" Elrond asked.

"No, well, you _were_ going to be Cindy, but you know what, she and you just don't mix, so yes you will be Mulan."

"Ooh, the fans won't like that, you can't have Disney princesses without Cindy, she's like the most popular," Caspian said.

Glorfindel cleared his throat and pointed to himself, he was now dressed as Cindy in a record time of about 3 seconds. Caspian's jaw dropped, "How…how did you do that so quickly?" Glorfindel shrugged and hit Caspian on the head with a magic wand; Caspian was now dressed as Giselle during the animated part where she firsts meet Edward.

"I _hate _you," Caspian said through gritted teeth.

"Hair and makeup time!" Glorfindel clapped his hands.

"But, you've got a magical wand; couldn't you just wave your wand and make us all pretty and princessy in like 5 seconds?" Merry said.

"No I could not Meriadoc, now get your butt into hair and makeup!" Glorfindel yelled.

* * *

><p>After 2 hours of grueling hair, makeup and wardrobe, Elrond was the first out. He was dressed as Mulan was when she met the matchmaker, but with a tiny little red dragon on his shoulder.<p>

Caspian popped out from behind the camera, "Wow, look at you, perfect!"

"Yeah, and you wanted him to be _Cindy_," Glorfindel said.

Elrond got into character immediately using a Japanese war fan, after several shots of that he grabbed one of those Asian type blades.

After Elrond was Faramir. They moved the set from a cherry blossom orchard to a grand ballroom. Faramir refused to wear that yellow ball gown Belle wears in the movie; instead wearing the red dress Belle wears in winter when she and Beast are having a snowball fight/feeding little birds.

"More emotion!" Glorfindel yelled, "Hold the rose!"

"But the rose has thorns…" Faramir interjected.

"I don't care just do it."

In the end, Faramir did use the rose, but his hands got torn to ribbons.

Next up was Frodo, wearing the blue outfit Jasmine wears though out most of the film, next to a fountain outside. He had not gotten a real tiger even though he really wanted one to be in the shoot with him.

Caspian stared at Frodo. Frodo stared back, "Look hopeless Frodo, you're going to be married off to some horrible prince you don't know after your birthday."

"I am?" Frodo asked, "But I don't want to marry a prince! I like living at Bag End."

Glorfindel face-palmed, "No, he means your character has to get married, so look hopeless."

"Oh, I can do that." Frodo said cheerfully then draped himself artistically over the edge of the fountain and looked at the camera while smizing. Caspian began clicking the camera.

And now it was Merry's turn. He had to be carried out to a rock in the ocean because he had on the seashell bra and green tail. His hair had also been curled and stuff to make it look all soft and beachy. There was one amazing shot of him looking just like Ariel with a wave crashing behind him in that one scene of "Part of your world."

Then it was time for the forest scene with Pippin dressed as Snow White. There were several prop birds decorating the trees because real birds would be too messy. After a few confusing minutes, Pippin got into character and held his hands the way you see those professional opera singers do.

"Relax your jaw a tiny bit Pippin," Glorfindel instructed, "See? Much better."

Caspian began clicking the camera, "Ok, change it up now Pippin."

Pippin nodded and moved over to a tree to look like he was holding out a finger for a bird to hop on.

"Don't forget to smize Pippin!" Glorfindel reminded him.

Lastly, Aragorn was going to be shot as Pocahontas down by the river. He was wearing the same outfit Pocahontas wears complete with arm tattoo and necklace and fake raccoon. He knelt down on a rock and started modeling.

"More face," Caspian said, "it looks a little dead."

-Legolas' cover elf commercial from _The Girl with the Lion _is shown; fangirls are pushed out of the way as Susan is scrabbling at the screen.-

-Back at Cair Paravel-

The models are swimming in the ocean; Mr. Tumnus is acting as lifeguard. Susan joined them after a while, having cheered up because she got a letter from "Legolas" (cough cough) Edmund and Peter are tired of Susan moping (cough cough) saying he had to go back to Mirkwood right away to tell his father he'd met a very beautiful and influential Queen.

Susan read the letter out loud for everyone:

"_My dearest Susan,_

_I am so sorry that I have had to leave so suddenly, but you see, you're not an elf, so I can't just marry you. I have to go back home and ask my father and there are various other protocols that need to be attended to before I can bring you to Mirkwood. I'm sure that you'd love the place anyway; you'd be the most prized possession in all of Thranduil's halls. I will be back soon for you,_

_ Your elfy prince."_

Susan sighed, "Isn't he romantic?"

Peter and Edmund sniggered, "Yeah sure."

"And he sent me this love letter too. I guess he wanted to send it separately so it wouldn't be embarrassing for him," Susan rummaged in her bag and pulled out the letter.

Edmund raised an eyebrow at Peter, who was shaking with silent laughter.

"Susan, your eyes, oh, your eyes are like-" Susan began.

"Shut up!" The river god from Prince Caspian roared and made a tidal wave hit her. (Yes the river god is in the ocean, mayhaps he wanted a holiday.)

-Now the models are all standing around in the judging room-

"Sorry, sorry, we got a bit distracted," Galadriel said, rushing into the room. Erestor Feanor and the special judge; Caspian joined them.

"So you had a photo shoot with our _lovely_ Caspian as photographer," Galadriel smiled at Caspian, "And you all had to be Disney Princesses."

"I always wanted to be a princess," Erestor said, playing with some of his hair. The other judges all looked at him warily.

"Seriously?" Feanor asked him.

"Yeah and I'd have a room filled with balls and the ceiling cut out so you could jump into a room sized ball pit…and another full of pillows so you could sleep anywhere."

"Don't forget a room full of candy," Caspian added.

"Enough!" Galadriel popped some ibuprofen, "We'd like to see Faramir first."

Faramir strutted up to the runway, his photo showed up in the mirror. It was of him in the red dress mentioned earlier, holding the rose and looking over his shoulder slightly as if the beast was looming up behind him.

"Hmm," Feanor rubbed his chin, "You weren't very alive, in a sense, during this shoot."

"Glorfindel made me hold a real rose with thorns…" Faramir said.

"Stop with the excuses, you do whatever Glorfindel tells you to do," Erestor glared at him.

Galadriel, sensing danger, told Faramir to go back to his spot and for Frodo to come up next.

"Who were you Frodo?" Galadriel asked him.

"Jasmine," Frodo replied, "And I didn't get a real tiger." So the photo then showed up on the mirror, Frodo with his hair all made up like Jasmine's and a spray tan is draped across the fountain and the fake tiger is snuggled up next to him.

"You were so good!" Caspian exclaimed, "I really didn't want to stop, I thought we could have done lots more shots."

Galadriel nodded, "It was very tough deciding which photo to pick," several other photos are shown, one of Frodo holding genie's lamp but still looking modely, another was him standing in front of the dove cot, holding a little dove and looking like he is about ready to let the bird fly free and the another of him sitting on the fountain's ledge with his legs crossed and several cardboard suitors all trying to win him over with lots of sparkly stuff.

"I love it, but I wish that you had done a little more posing with your fingers," Feanor said, "But that's something that can be easily overlooked."

Erestor practically bounced in his seat, "I love it, best photo yet! I think your second best is the voguing you did with the kangaroo."

"Ok, Aragorn next!" Galadriel clapped her hands.

Aragorn stepped up nervously. His photo showed him in the Pocahontas outfit, crouched down on a rock near a waterfall like that scene where Poco meets John Smith.

"I like it," Erestor said, "But again, face. KINDA DEAD."

Aragorn's shoulders slumped, "I know."

"Erestor, don't be so hard on him. I think you did rather well, the eyes look good, you smized, but the jaw needs to be relaxed a bit more," Galadriel said.

"I think you did horrible," Feanor said point blankly.

Up next was Elrond as Mulan, posing with the sword in one hand and the war fan in the other.

"Lovely," Erestor said, Caspian nodded, "You followed directions quite well."

After Elrond was Merry, doing his part of your world thingy on a rock with the wave crashing in the background.

"Aw, awww, look how great he looks," Erestor said.

"You almost spilled out of your seashell bra," Feanor noted.

"Is that a bad thing?" Erestor screeched, Merry jumped back slightly.

"We should make you a mermaid more often, purple looks good on you….And I love that dress," Galadriel said, indicating the purple vest Merry was wearing, "Makes a nice change."

Then there was Pippin, the picture of him was the one where he held out his finger the fake bird to hop on.

"You look good," Feanor looked at the photo, then back at Pippin, "I just think you could have done something more original."

"I bet those heels hurt like hell," Erestor said.

Pippin nodded, "You know what hobbits are like with shoes."

"Most people don't like Snow white, and I agree, I hate her voice, her demeanor, her story, but you made me like her," Caspian said, "Well done."

"Thank you."

"Ok, time for deliberation, we will call you models back when we're done," Galadriel waved the models off.

* * *

><p>-One deliberation later-<p>

Galadriel is standing in front of the judges table with the photos in her hands, "Right, we want to get this over as quickly as possible, so top photo of the week is: Frodo!"

Frodo screamed, grabbed his photo, tackle-hugged Caspian and then ran over to side of the room where the models are.

"Next up: Merry and Pippin. Elrond….you're still in."

Faramir and Aragorn, the bottom two of the week, stepped up to Galadriel.

"So much talent from the two of you. Aragorn, I believe this is your first time in the bottom all competition. We all love you and you're soap dodging ways. Your photos are extremely strong and whenever you walk into a room, people will stop and stare. By the way, as a model, that is a good thing. And Faramir, with your brother dead and your father crazy, we understand that you have a tough time dealing with things. Your photos are ok, they could be better. It's like week after week, you have slowly declined in performance. So, the model that stays here in Narnia is: Aragorn."

Aragorn joined the other models with tears in his eyes. Faramir quietly thanked the judges, hugged the other models and left the room.

-Faramir's last screen time-

"I am really upset that I had to leave, but at least I got to see Narnia and have some go-see…even though I got disqualified. But I can go back to Gondor with my head held high because I was in the top 7. And that's pretty cool…" Faramir said. In the background his father, Denethor crept up quietly holding a torch and some lighter fluid.

-Ooh Dramatic ending!-

For the photo shoot next week, the models will be modeling as: each other! Just a heads up.

Originially, Mr. Tumnus was wearing bunny slippers, but I though lion slippers would be funnier, cause you know lion = Aslan.

Middle Earth maps- the teacher I keep mentioning in the end notes came up with it, every time we talked about a place, especially in the Silmarilion, we used Middle Earth maps to find it: a map on a whiteboard and the place, let's say Gondolin circled in red.

Which brings me to: Y'all might be wondering how Middle Earth maps can possibly come up in a lesson, well, I had a class on Tolkien, for half a year Hobbit through Silmarilion. Yep, a real literature class that taught Tolkien. I read LOTR a year before and when I saw it I thought "Why the heck not? I get to do a class about one of my fav authors of all time?" Seriously, if any of you readers get the chance to do a Tolkien class, take it, you will not be sorry.


	11. The intermission

Galadriel pops up on screen, "This week, instead of doing a regular show, we are going to be taking a look back at how our models got where they are today." Cue a smoke machine going haywire and enveloping everyone on set in grey smoke.

Once the smoke is clear, the camera zooms in on the mirror of Galadriel, the video auditions are shown.

* * *

><p>First contestant we see, or rather the first two are Elladan and Elrohir. The two of them are looking directly at the camera; Elladan is wearing a silver coloured shirt and a name tag reading "Elladan" while Elrohir is wearing a burgundy shirt and a name tag reading "Elrohir."<p>

"Hi!" Elladan smiled into the camera, "As you can see on our shirts, I'm Elladan."

"And I'm Elrohir," The other twin said.

"Yep, we want to be on Tolkien's next top model!" Elladan said.

Elrohir elbowed Elladan, "We were born in Rivendell in TA 130, we have a younger sister named Arwen, also known as the living mannequin of middle earth," Elrohir rolled his eyes, "And Galadriel is our grandmother."

"But we're not going to let that get in the way; we want to be in the competition without any family support or anything."

Then the next could-be competitor is: Grima! Wearing pink, -shudder-.

Grima tapped the camera, "Hello? Oh, it's on…my name is Grima, I was born in-"the tape cuts out for a second, "And I absolutely love Galadriel! I think her hair is sooo pretty and blonde and she's so tall too!" Grima goes on in this fashion for several more minutes.

Skipping over Grima, we now see Gollum setting up a camera in his Gollum cave in the misty mountains somewhere.

"Precious wants to be in Tolkien's next top model, precious thinks we is fierce," And then he struck a pose, "Precious loves watching Tolkien's Next top model," He stopped for a second, listening for goblins, "Wes think wes has an unusual look, wes think wes can do it."

And lastly, Eomer: "Go on Eomer, the camera's rolling," Eowyn held the camera up to her brothers face.

"Um…what do I say?" Eomer asked nervously.

"We practiced this!"

"Um…ok" Eomer took a deep breath before saying: "My name is Eomer, I'm from Rohan, I love horses, I have blonde hair just like Galadriel, I have an awesome helmet, I have to put up with Grima on a regular basis, so I'm ok with dealing with any mean girls in the house….if you pick me, and I'm super nice," All very quickly.

"And?" Eowyn added.

"Oh…and…" Eomer said thoughtfully.

"Show them your walk," Eowyn addressed him like he was a 5 year old.

"Ok!" Eomer got up from his chair, walked the length of the throne room in Meduseld then walked back to Eowyn.

And now we see Galadriel again, "Aw, I just love Eomer, and siblings helping one another out, it's always so cute. Anyhow, we are now going to take a look at what the models think of one another!"

* * *

><p>Frodo sits down in a chair in front of the camera, "I hope Merry, Sam and Pippin all get in because I think it'd be horrible being the only hobbit….hm, but I heard the Gollum is in so I'll make sure to sleep with one eye open, he's such a bitch and he's super skinny, why can't I be that skinny? It's not fair!" Frodo burst into tears.<p>

Next there was Legolas, "I'm not going to be mean to anyone…well I won't be mean to everyone…maybe Gollum and Grima….and probably Gimli, but that's only if he annoys me, which he will of course, not everyone can have perfectly awesome hair like me."

Aragorn rubbed the back of his neck, "I think Gimli complains too much and I think Eomer really isn't confident enough…I would have loved to have Elladan and Elrohir in the competition, but then I still can't tell them apart so, that'd be bad."

"Gollum hates all the models, stupid nasty models." Gollum spat, "They wants to tricks us, makes us their friends then throws us under the bus, nasty models, precious will be top model in the end, oh yes, then wes will have a new precious and all the fish wes can eat!" Gollum said happily and then fell off his chair.

Galadriel shook her head, "And those were the nice dolls, except Legolas, you definitely don't want to see the mean dolls. Or maybe you do…"

On camera there's a shot of some of the models walking down a hallway for no apparent reason, from left to right there's: Eomer, Legolas, Elrond and Gandalf. Yes Gandalf is a mean girl when he wants to be. Grima attempts to talk to Eomer, but Eomer pushes him into a garbage can. Go figure.

* * *

><p>"And now, we will take a look at what the models do on their day off," Galadriel said.<p>

We see Faramir and Boromir playing some violent shoot game on their gaming console, Sam and the rest of the hobbits are in the kitchen, Gollum and Grima are in their room, conspiring, Aragorn is complaining to Legolas.

"All I want is to be king, I'm talented, pretty _and _smart, so how the hell did I end up having to talk to you about it, I will never now. It's like everyone thinks just cause I'm a human that automatically makes me a loser," Aragorn said.

"You just need a good PR manager sweetie," Legolas said, brushing his hair for the millionth time that day.

"How the heck do you get a good PR manager in Middle Earth?" Aragorn threw his hands in the air, "It' like destroying the one ring, horrible nearly impossible and riddled with mean nasty fake people.

Legolas looked up from brushing his hair, "Fake people? When have you ever said fake people? Besides now?"

Aragorn shrugged, "I'm just tired of dealing with fake people."

"Which in turn makes you appear fake to them because you act mean to them."

"Legolas."

"What?"

"Shut up."

We now join the hobbits in the kitchen.

"Sam?" Frodo stared off into space.

"Yes?"

"Why don't you ever cook anything other than potatoes?"

"Because potatoes are delicious and nutritious!" Sam said happily while making mashed potatoes.

"Yeah but you make them every day." Pippin pointed out.

"Boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, stew with potatoes in them." Merry said.

Sam glared at Merry and Pippin for a second, "Well, if you don't like my cooking I'm sure that Fatty Bolger will be more than happy to cook for you."

"No!" Merry and Pippin said in unison.

"He's a worse cook than Erestor!"

"Erestor is a bad cook?" Frodo asked interestingly.

Merry nodded, "Don't ever let him make you anything to eat, one time I asked him to make hot chocolate. And. He. Brought. Me. A. Chocolate. Coloured. Cow. Then made it stand next to the fireplace."

Frodo wiped tears of laughter out of his eyes, "Seriously?"

"Seriously seriously." Merry said.

* * *

><p>Now we join Susan, who is on a very special episode of The Dating Game, Erestor is the host as Glorfindel was sick that day. The camera pans over from Susan to the bachelors; Legolas, Caspian and Turin Turambar.<p>

Erestor pops up in front of the camera, "Hello there viewers, today on the Dating Game, we've got some celebrities, ehhh…I have no idea how this works, let's just take a look at the prizes and then the contestants."

And now a voice over: the first bachelor to go home wins: nothing! The second bachelor to go home gets: nothing! And the third bachelor who goes home gets: _nothing_! Just kidding, you get a date with the mystery lady."

"Thank you under-paid assistant, now we'll take a look at our bachelors!" Erestor said, the camera zoomed in one the bachelors, who you can't see yet because the lights have been switched off.

"Bachelor number one is a prince, very skilled with a bow and absolutely loves chamber music, Lady Gaga and….his hair." Erestor raised an eyebrow, "Right…bachelor number two is a king _ooh _fancy fancy. Overthrew a usurper, impressive, voted best hair back in his first year of his reign, and loves to sail." There was polite applause.

"And lastly, bachelor number three, he is a prince _and _a lord, how is that? Anyway, raised by elves, accidently caused the death of a friend….oh that's bad…but he did slay a dragon…ooh, but married his sister who he didn't know at that time…" Erestor looked up into the camera from reading Turin's card, ripped it up and threw it over his shoulder, "Right, let's get on with the show."

Erestor popped up next to Susan, "Ok lady, ask whichever bachelor you want a question using these here cards." Erestor dropped a stack of cards into Susan's lap and then slid down to the floor and off camera.

Susan flipped her hair out of her face, "Ok, bachelor number….2, if we were waylaid by highway men or orcs…orc highwaymen, what would you do?"

"I'd leg it," Caspian said with a straight face, remember folks, this isn't move based so Caspian and Susan don't particularly like one another.

"Oh, bachelor number 1?"

"I'd flip my hair, which would reflect the sunlight just right, so then the highway men would burst into flame."

"Wow, bachelor number 3?" Susan said.

"I would slay them all without the slightest hesitation. I don't care."

"That's nice." Erestor said, "Protecting your lady."

"No, I just _really _don't care," Turin said with a straight face.

"Ok, next question: bachelor number 1, what's more important, your kingdom or your hair?"

"What? What kind of sick question is that? How dare you make me decide between my beloved home land and my hair!" Legolas jumped out of his seat, but was placated by Caspian.

"Bachelor number 3?" Susan asked.

"Kingdom, hair can grow back, though it takes forever when a damn dragon tries to burn it off." Turin mumbled.

"Bachelor number 2?"

"Well, my hair is pretty fabulous; I once had a guy jump a makeup artist just so he could touch my hair. It was a pretty creepy experience. But, my kingdom, definitely, I've already had it taken from me once; I don't want that happening again."

"Wow, how'd you get it back?"

Caspian resisted the urge to shout, "You and your siblings helped me you dolt!" Instead he breathed deeply, and said as calmly as he could muster, "I had some help from some er, godly things."

Susan nodded, "Right, last question, bachelor number 1, we're about to go into battle, which weapon do you pick and where are you in the ranks?"

"Bow and arrow, though I can fight with a knife. I'd be up in the parapets, but if I had to, I'd be out in the battle field in the front lines."

"Wow, very brave, so bachelor number 3?"

"Riding the dragon that I killed then brought back to life just to make him suffer some more, above the battlefield."

"Bachelor number 2?"

"Front lines, with a broadsword. Am I allowed armor?"

"Yes."

"Ok then, with armor."

Erestor popped up, "Our second portion of the contest will only be three questions because _Prince Caspian _is on soon and we all want to watch it. So, bachelorette, who will be going home first?"

Susan thought for a moment before answering, "Bachelor number 3. Sorry, but you sound a bit morbid. And you married your sister? I'm from 1940's England, we just don't do that anymore. Marrying siblings…ugh…"

Turin stood up and walked off set, "Whatever. You win some, you lose some."

"Round two! Round two everyone! Go ahead lady, ask more questions."

"Right, bachelor number 1, if I said I had seen Aslan, how would you react?"

"He's a talking lion right? Well then I'd ask him to do me a little knee's up.***" Legolas said, flipping his hair over his shoulder, "That's not rude right? He did create Narnia and everything didn't he? So asking for a knee up wouldn't be asking too much."

"No, I guess not, bachelor number 2?"

"I would ask him what he wants of me; I've seen him a few times before, so it's not much of a surprise."

Susan nodded, "So, bachelor number two, if we were married, how would you wake me up in the morning?"

"I'd shake you awake and if that didn't work I'd pour a bucket of cold water on you and tell you that we needed to get official royal business done."

"Oh. Ok. Bachelor number 1?"

"Play a song on my lute, sing a little then if you're still tired I'd prompt you awake with optimistic crap like getting you the sun and telling you how many riders of Rohan are coming over for a visit."

"Aw, that's so sweet. So this is the last question right Erestor?" Susan asked, Erestor nodded, "My last question is, how important are looks to you, bachelor number 1?"

"Very important, we elves like to keep ourselves as clean and proper as possible, you'll be hard pushed to find an elf caked in dirt or with a beard."

"Hm, bachelor number 2?"

"Yeah, I think appearances are pretty important, I'm used to having to look proper too, as I am a king."

"Ok, questions are done, so how have you decided to go out on a date with?" Erestor nudged Susan.

"Well, bachelor number 1 seems very sweet, but you sound a bit obsessed with looks. Bachelor number 2, I don't like how you'd leave me to fend for myself if there were highway men plus that encounter you had with the makeup artist is just weird, so the guy I pick is: Bachelor number 1!"

The audience clapped and the wall dividing Susan from Legolas and Caspian is lifted. Legolas looks over at the mystery woman and his jaw drops in horror, "Susan?"

"Legolas, you're bachelor number 1?" Susan said in disbelief, "Ooh, this is perfect, I've been trying to get you to ask me out for ages!"

Caspian laughed, "Thank god you didn't pick me, see ya later Lego, Sue." Caspian walked off set.

"Well, that's all the time we have for this week's episode, please joining us again real soon." Erestor said to the camera.

* * *

><p>Frodo switched off the TV, "I wonder how Lego's and Susan's date went."<p>

"Probably pretty bad, you know what Susan is like when she gets a crush on someone." Peter said.

"Hey! When did we get a TV?" Pippin asked watching the TV upside down on the sofa.

Feanor was sitting next to Edmund that night at dinner neither were very happy about the arrangement.

"So tell me King Edmund, do you still enjoy Turkish delight as much as I remember?" Feanor said, stabbing a potato with a bit too much panache.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You know exactly what it means you little brat." Feanor said, his temper rising.

"Oh please, what do you want from me? The dwarf was the one who made you give it to me, don't blame me."

"Do you know how hard it is to get Turkish delight in Middle Earth?"

"Do you know how little I care?" Edmund asked.

"Well you could at least apologize." Feanor said.

"I think we left it a little too late to. Besides it easier to hate you than-" Edmund began but was cut off by Peter.

"It's too late to apologize! It's too late! I said it's too late to apologize!" Peter started singing in the middle of dinner.

"Peter, shut up!" Edmund slammed his fist down on the table.

* * *

><p>So, I saw a fanart of Galadriel on the dating game with the contestants: Legolas, Aragorn and Gollum. The Celeborn walked in and starting flipping out on Legolas.<p>

Also this chapter is just a break from regular chapter writing, not much point to it of course, but there's usually one rewind episode and behind the scenes look per season, I promise next episode will be a normal TNTM episode.

No joke, Prince Caspian was on telly while I was writing this, also royal siblings did once upon a time marry one another to keep the bloodline pure, which is why quite a few of them had some mental diseases.

*** Knee's up is impromptu singing in a pub, usually a lot of drunken men slopping pints of beer over the place.


	12. The girl with the unicorn

-Last week on Tolkien's next top Model-

Clips are shown of Elrond trying to recoil his slinky, then trying to get them to slink down the stairs. It doesn't work of course; it just stops 2 steps down. The only part of Elrond we see is of the eyes up because that's how the camera crew decided to shoot it: lying on the stairs to get a close up of the slinky, Elrond nearly bursts into tears and runs off.

Also: Erestor is trying to make hot chocolate, Susan bear hugging Legolas, Feanor and Edmund getting into fisticuffs and lastly Peter singing.

-Opening credits!-

The models and the KAQON (kings and queens of Narnia) have decided to take Caspian's ship, the _Dawn Treader _out for a bit of sailing. Frodo is busy being seasick over the side.

"Sorry!" Frodo tried to say, not to the crew or anyone else on board, but to a mermaid who he had nearly puked on. She shook her fist angrily at him before turning and swimming away.

Merry and Pippin however, were enjoying themselves by pretending to be pirates. Merry was up in the rigging barking commands and obscenities while Pippin was running around with a wooden cutlass trying to hack Eustace to pieces.

"First the mouse, now you? Why does everyone want to kill me? I only showed up for this episode!" Eustace tried to shield his face with his arms.

"Avast ye scurvy cur! The producers not be liking ye so much!" Merry yelled from up near the crow's nest.

Pippin shrugged, "You're an easier target than Merry." He took of his scarf and wrapped it around his head, so now in his hobbity shirt and trousers he really did look like a pirate. Only smaller.

Eustace scrabbled to his feet, "I'll get the British Consul on you!"

"What's a consul?" Pippin asked curiously.

"Fancy that, not knowing what a consul is!" Eustace scoffed.

"You don't know what it is either, do you?"

"Er, no, not really."

* * *

><p>The following day the models were greeted by Erestor in the dining room wearing a Georgian dress that would put Marie Antoinette to shame. Picture the dress of Marie in her coronation robes but with panniers twice the size and in hot pink. Susan stood next to him, fanning herself in a less ridiculous but still pretty impressive dress in gold.<p>

"Models!" Erestor said loudly, "We have your challenge for today!"

"What is it?" Aragorn said through a mouthful of crème puff.

"A runway!" Susan announced, "A Georgian period inspired runway! I hope you're all use to panniers!"

"You all will be working with professional runway models, so that's going to be a challenge 'cause their all bitches."

"And you're looking at the runway." Susan motioned to the dining table.

Frodo screamed. "I don't want to be verbally abused by amazons before breakfast!"

Erestor rolled his eyes, 'Fine you can have breakfast."

-One makeup and wardrobe later-

Aragorn was standing in front of a practically giant woman with 4 inch heels on. And that was without the wig, which adds about a foot more to a woman's height.

"And don't forget to pose at the end then turn on your heel and walk back." The model said in Aragorn's ear.

"I think I know what I'm doing."

"I don't think you are, I think you're slouching, it's really rare for this designer to pick models like you."

"Yes, well at least my actual hair looks less like a rats nest than yours does," Aragorn said then strutted down the runway. He did considerably well considering the added weight of the dress the wig and the makeup. But he had a bit of trouble at the end of the runway turning and giving enough space for the other model to get by. Because, he didn't leave enough room for her. So she fell off the table and accidently crushed a few dwarfs.

Frodo did very well going down the runway; he decided to use a fan in his walk, which was controlled and graceful but had a bit of sass thrown in.

"I think you messed up in the beginning." One of the professional models told Frodo when he got backstage.

"I did not," Frodo pointed his fan at her, "You're just jealous because my walk is better than yours."

The models face reddened despite the inch thick white makeup plastered on her face, "Well at least I'm not short!"

Frodo sighed, "Look, I don't like being a bitch, and normally, I'm not, but girl, you will never get booked if you keep acting like a diva." He patted her on her elbow, the highest place he could reach on her and the walked away tutting.

Merry nearly fainted during his walk because his corset was _way_ too tight. Erestor looked up at him then whispered something to Susan behind his fan. Susan nodded sadly.

Pippin did a great job mainly because he had three sisters.

-Behind the camera thingy-

"I think I did rather well in the challenge." Pippin said. "I think it's because I have 3 sisters and they made me play dress up with them some-"

"Oh god no, please don't put that in the show." Pippin pleaded. "Oh god, that's like the biggest skeleton in my closet, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap." Pippin ran his hands through his hair then ran off camera still yelling.

Elrond was closing the show. His walk was very rigid which none would have thought considering he worse a dress like article of clothing most of the time. Then all the models, professional or in the competition did one last walk down the runway. And then that was it.

Susan and Erestor were backstage waiting for the models when they were done getting out of the dresses and wigs.

"Congrats dolls, you just did your very first runway! How do you guys feel?" Erestor asked.

"Nervous." Aragorn said, "For the results of course."

"Sick." Merry said, leaning on Pippin for support.

"K, whatever, so, here's what we think: Aragorn, you did well, but we saw that little trick you did to the other model going down the runway. We don't like models playing dirty with one another." Susan said to him.

"Merry, yeah, you nearly fainted. Moving on, Elrond, your walk was very very stiff, you'll have to work on that. Pippin, eerily good. And Frodo, very professional model but you made it your own." Erestor looked at each of the models, "So the winner is: Frodo!"

"Oh cool! What do I win?" Frodo asked excitedly.

"You win: a unicorn-"

"A unicorn?" Frodo interrupted.

"Plushie, yes." Erestor said.

"Oh."

"But it's pink," Susan said hopefully.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time!-<p>

A satyr, or faun, whichever is preferred, walks in front of the screen, "Hi! I'm a shouty satyr/faun! I'm here to tell you all about a wonderful new product: "Narnian dwarf! Are you tired of cleaning your home all by yourself?"

A woman is kneeling on the floor, scrubbing some dirt out of the carpet, she wipes away imaginary sweat from her brow dramatically, "Phew, I wish I had someone else to do this for me."

"Well wish no more lady! Because now you can have Narnian Dwarf for the price of: 10 Minims a year! It does everything you tell it to with minimum complaining! And also, it works 10 hours a day!"

"Wow, 10 hours a day?" The woman got up off the floor.

"Yes, 10 hours a day!"

"And this is all legal?" The woman asked.

"Yes, because everyone is still allowed to be mad at the dwarves for helping the white witch!" The shouty satyr/faun looked at the camera and smiled.

-End of commercial-

* * *

><p>The next day the models woke up at the crack of dawn (noon) and slumped down to the entrance hall to meet Glorfindel.<p>

"Models!" He said happily. The models groaned and rubbed their eyes sleepily.

"I can't hear you," Glorfindel said, "You have to say "Good morning Glorfindel."

"Good morning Glorfindel," The models mumbled back to him.

"Now say, "Toaster Strudel is better than Pop tarts, and Glorfindel is an artistic genius, I am not worthy to be in his presence."" Glorfindel flicked his hair.

"No," Aragorn said.

"Poptarts are better," Pippin said, "They don't ever put enough icing in the packets for your strudel."

"And you can never do the zig zag lines that they do in the commercial, it just looks like a blob," Merry added.

"Stop complaining, you've got a photo shoot!" Glorfindel stamped his foot. "Here's your photographer, Azog."

Through a door on the right came a gigantic orc dressed in Versace and drenched in Guess perfume. He strutted up to the models and considering his size, he was rather graceful, "Models, I am Azog. I was an orc chieftain, but then I was killed _by a dwarf_. But then I came back and decided to live my life differently. You see, I never wanted to be a blood thirsty orc, I wanted to DANCE!" He struck a dance pose right there in front of the models, who were all trying very hard not to giggle, "I wanted to sing and prance around with butterflies and take pretty pictures. Unfortunately, I'm not "model material", so I've settled on being a fashion photographer!"

Glorfindel nodded, "Besides, the modeling world is full of bee-otches."

"Very true." Azog agreed with him.

"Would you like to tell the models what the photo shoot is all about?"

"I would love to Glorfindel. Today's photo-shoot is all about being someone different, going out of what you know. See? Like me, you have to be wild, be spontaneous, be the best damn dancer you can be!" Azog started ballet dancing, doing the whole "run run leap" thing but falling on his face instead of landing gracefully.

"Er, anyway," Azog picked himself up off the floor, "Glorfindel, why don't you tell the models who they'll be."

"Okaaay." Glorfindel pulled out the infamous hat, "Frodo, you're going to be: Elrond."

"What?" Elrond shrieked, "Why is he going to be me?"

"Oh, the challenge is you have to be each other." Glorfindel said while plunging his arm up to his elbow in the hat.

"But there are only 5 of us." Aragorn pointed out.

"Aragorn: Legolas. There's a stretch, we'll never get you clean enough even with a bath and retouching." Glorfindel said. "Pippin: Frodo. Merry: Aragorn. Elrond: Pippin."

Elrond's jaw dropped, "You mean I have to be _him_?" His voice dropped to a whisper and pointed at Pippin, who was dancing around with Merry as they were happy with the people they were going to be.

"Deal with it sweetheart. It's just one photo-shoot, the weirder you are, the happier the judges will be. Um, I guess you guys should be getting into hair and makeup." Glorfindel rubbed the back of his neck, "We had a bit of a run in with Rumil a few days ago, he's still not very happy."

The models nodded in an understanding way.

"I liked him but he was just _crazy_." Aragorn said.

"He would have been perfect to do Lady Gaga's makeup," Frodo said thoughtfully, "It's a down right shame that when he left, Orophin had to leave too."

"Such talent with hairspray the competition will never see again." Pippin shook his head, "Anyway, how is Haldir, is he still doing business and accounting?"

"No he's dead." Glorfindel said.

"Oh."

"Come on dolls, jump in the line!" Peter slide down the bannister in the hall, then jumped and landed in front of the models. They clapped politely then joined Peter in conga-lining into hair and makeup.

* * *

><p>So after a while in hair and makeup, Merry came out first dressed as a mini-Aragorn. He had to roll around in dirt for a while to get the "Aragorn effect" but now with a wig on and little chainmail and stuff, he looked perfect.<p>

Azog handed him a sword when he walked out on set. Glorfindel looked up from his computers and winced, elves hate dirt. Merry stood in front of the camera and leaned on his sword while smiling at the camera in a way that would make fangirls die from happiness. After a few shots of that, Merry changed it up by holding a "fake" evenstar in his hand. Unfortunately Merry dropped it and it smashed.

"You little idiot!" Aragorn came running out from hair and makeup, with half his makeup done and his wig flying off. He lunged for Merry's throat. "The one thing my girlfriend gives me and you smash it, I will kill you and make your bones into my bread!" Aragorn threatened.

"Someone should stop him." Glorfindel said from his computer area, obviously it would not be him that would be getting up and saving Merry.

"Are you kidding? These are so _Almaren Vogue_!" Azog clicked the camera excitedly.

After Merry (who had been escorted off to Lucy and her healing cordial due to injuries caused by Aragorn) Elrond was next. He was not very happy because he had to wear a horrible curly wig and hair had been applied to his feet. He also yelled at the wardrobe crew for trying to get him to wear a yellow vest. In the end they gave him a dark argyle scarf with a white shirt and breeches with the trademark cloak that Galadriel had given the fellowship in the first book.

Elrond stood there in front of the camera with a very stern look on his face. "I do not like this at all."

Glorfindel glared at him, "Do it Elrond. I know you have it in you, stop being a whiny little elf."

"But look at this!" Elrond pointed to the scarf, "Who am I? Tom Baker?"

Azog shook his head, "Just be a very whimsical little hobbit. You've been with Pippin for like 10 weeks now, you should have his personality down by now."

Elrond did a very dramatic sigh, "I'm a little hobbit from the shire! My best friend is Merry! I smoke all the time and I'm the reason Gandalf got killed by a balrog! I'm so stupid and clumsy that most of the bad things in the trilogy were my fault!" Elrond pranced around. Azog looked over at Glorfindel who shrugged. "Look at me in my little scarf! I'm Faramir _and _Boromir's favorite!"

From back in the makeup room, Merry looked at Pippin with tears in his eyes, "Did they really say that? That you are their favorite?"

"No, of course not Merry, they liked us the same amount. But really they like me better." Pippin mumbled the last sentence.

After Elrond, Aragorn was up. He had calmed down a bit since Merry dropped the evenstar, but was still really really mad. The wardrobe and makeup crew had a hard time getting the dirt off of him, but with some makeup and Photoshop, no one would be able to tell.

Aragorn immediately grabbed a bow and arrow from the props department and starting looking all Legolas like. Then he did that pose in that picture where Legolas is standing in the middle of a forest with a big tree to his right and he' notching an arrow in his bow. That one.

"Look up a little," Glorfindel said to Aragorn. "Ok, now smize a bit, relax the jaw and perfect! Keep doing that and we'll be good."

Aragorn smiled and swept some hair off his shoulder gracefully.

Pippin turned up dressed like Frodo at the end of Aragorn's shoot. He was holding the ring in his hand. "I don't really get this whole "ring" thing, it's not even like it's a pretty ring, it's just a boring band of gold." He said to Glorfindel.

"Yeah Saruon wasn't one for frivolities." Glorfindel agreed with him, "I guess he wanted it manly so none would suspect it, makes it a bit inconspicuous. Personally I don't believe it when Frodo told me the ring got heavier when it got closer to Mt. Doom. I think he was just being a moany-ass."

Pippin nodded then got up in front of the camera. He held the ring aloft and looked starry eyed at it. Then he changed it up by looking over his shoulder warily as if orcs or goblins were coming, and there was Sting in the background.

Frodo was last, dressed as Elrond. The makeup crew had put tape on his eyebrows so they looked like Elrond's.

"Just remember Frodo, you have to look harsh in this shoot, but model harsh," Glorfindel reminded him, "And not to trip over your outfit." He face palmed as Frodo tried to disentangle himself.

Once Frodo finally did that with the help of some of the crew, he got right into modeling. But he wasn't very good at being Elrond.

"Stop stop!" Glorfindel waved his arms, "We need something else…besides you not having a clue what you're doing. Oh, I know, Elrond!" Glorfindel yelled. Elrond begrudgingly walked up to them.

"What?" Elrond glared at them and took long drink of his coffee, black of course.

"Just stand there while Frodo models." Glorfindel looked back at the computer's monitors. "Much better Frodo."

Frodo kept looking over to see what Elrond was doing during the photo-shoot and got some good shoots in from watching Elrond's facial expressions and mannerisms.

* * *

><p>-Some Cover Elf commercial appears on the screen, like most Cover Elf commercials, some gorgeous elf is shown modeling some foundation or blush or whatever, but then in the middle of looking all model like and fabulous, the elf falls flat on her face. Schadenfreude.-<p>

* * *

><p>The next day, the models had panel. They all weren't very happy about one of the models going home because that meant next week they had to do a Cover Elf commercial and they had all grown so close together the past weeks. You know what that's like. It's as if it's summer vacation, though this time there is prize money and a modeling contract involved. They stood on their assigned spots on the stairs and waited for the judges to show up.<p>

"I wonder why the judges are late," Pippin wondered aloud.

Edmund burst through the doors rather dramatically and sat down where Erestor would normally sit during panel. Erestor skulked into the room and sat where Galadriel's right had she sat down yet. Feanor sat next to Erestor and shot Edmund a look. Galadriel sat down last, rubbed her temples then looked up at the models.

"Right, you all had a runway, Frodo was the winner. And you had a photo-shoot where you had to be each other. We want to see Elrond first." Galadriel took a large swig of something from a glass in front of her.

Elrond stepped up in front of the judges, his photo showed up on the mirror. It was him during his Pippin rant, so he wasn't modeling at all. He was just prancing around making fun off Pippin.

"Horrible." Feanor said.

"Yes, I agree, I think it wasn't your best." Edmund looked at the photo, "You weren't modeling at all."

Galadriel popped a few headache pills, "All of your photos were like this, and as you know, we are not happy." Elrond nodded sadly. "Ok, we want to see Aragorn next."

Aragorn stepped up and his photo appeared on the mirror. The makeup crew had worked their magic because none would be able to tell that Aragorn was so filthy in real life.

"I love this photo." Erestor said, "You look just like Legolas."

"Except now you will have to fear for your life because Susan will be after you."

Feanor gave Edmund the stink eye from across the desk. Edmund shrank back into his chair.

Merry bounded up the judges, "Me next please!"

"Er, ok Merry. You were Aragorn so let's see your picture." Galadriel said. Merry's photo showed up; it was the one of him holding the evenstar and looking very kingly.

"Oh, that evenstar looks a lot like the real one." Galadriel said.

"That's because it _was_ the real one!" Aragorn yelled angrily from the back of the room.

"We heard you dropped it Merry, is that true?" Edmund asked.

"Yes! But I said sorry!"

"Sorry ain't good enough punk!" Aragorn shook his fist at Merry. Pippin and Frodo tried desperately not to laugh.

"Well, it's a good picture, lots of expression in the face." Erestor shrugged.

"The lighting's pretty good too," Feanor said, still in a bad mood.

Frodo was next up. "We heard you had some problems getting into character." Galadriel said when Frodo stepped forward.

"Yes, but we had Elrond come to set so I was ok after that."

Erestor rolled his eyes, "Elrond is such a hard person to work with." Elrond glared at him, "Well it's true Elrond, don't glare at me like that."

"But it's a bit lacking in the face." Galadriel pointed out.

Edmund nodded, "I think you clenched your jaw so it's not very model-y."

"What the hell do you know about modeling Edmund? Have you ever been a model? Huh? Have you? Have you?" Feanor yelled.

After Feanor was told to calm down, Pippin was last. His photo was very dramatic with him looking over his shoulder and Sting in the background…being Sting.

"Oh, very good." Erestor said, "I like it, it's almost profile."

"What's profile?" Pippin asked.

"When the camera takes a picture of the side of your face." Galadriel explained.

"Is it true that your sisters made you play dress up with them?" Feanor asked.

Pippin let out a silent scream and walked out of the room.

* * *

><p>-One deliberation later-<p>

Galadriel stepped out in front of the judging table with the photos in her hands. "Let's get this done and over with shall we? I've got biscotti in the oven and I don't think Feanor and Edmund will be acting civil for much longer."

"That's civil?" Frodo asked.

Galadriel nodded then said, "Top photo is: Aragorn."

"Yes! Finally, I get top photo! Without someone else to share it with! Take that Frodo!" Aragorn rushed up and grabbed his photo. Erestor, who was reading a romance novel, half looked up from the book and raised an eyebrow at Aragorn. Who was now doing a happy dance.

"Runner up: Pippin." Galadriel held out Pippin's photo. He took the photo politely and stood next to Aragorn who was still dancing and whacked Pippin on the head with hi photo.

"And Merry, get on up here. But that leaves Elrond and Frodo, for the first time ever, in the bottom."

Elrond and Frodo stepped up gloomily. Galadriel looked at each of them. "So, Elrond, the elf with the amazing bone structure with a confident personality to match, but that face can be so detached that you forget to model and you just look _bleh_. And Frodo, one of our strongest competitors this whole cycle, I mean, I lost count how many challenges and photo of the week's you've won. But this time, your photo was just not good. So the model who goes home is: Elrond.

Elrond nodded glumly before hugging Galadriel and the other models. Then he left the room. Erestor set his book down, "What did I miss? Who's going home?"

* * *

><p>-Elrond's last screen time-<p>

It does hurt to be told that you look unemotional. But I do have emotions; I just don't let them be seen very often. I think it's because my parents left my brother and I when we were young. I mean my father is like a freaking lighthouse!" Elrond shook his head.

-Back in the judging room-

A whole load of confetti and streamers and things float down from the ceiling. Conga music begins to play and the rest of the KAQON jump out and start dancing. Everyone else in the room fall into the conga line.

* * *

><p>-Before Panel-<p>

"You still won't say sorry, will you?" Feanor asked Edmund as a makeup artist was working on applying foundation.

"I don't think there is anything worth apologizing about." Edmund said indifferently.

Feanor sighed, "You're such a child."

"I'm like 30 actually."

"Still a child to the elves."

"Thank Aslan I'm not an elf, otherwise I'd have to commit suicide."

"Ok Edmund, one that is not funny, suicide is serious and two, you'd be the ugliest elf ever."

"Oh, look who's being childish now!" Edmund threw down the book he was reading. Glorfindel jumped in between the two of them, "You stop this right now! The two of you need to stop fighting and get along, at least until the competition is over!"

Erestor walked past, "Hey Glorfindel let's go get some coffee." Glorfindel tried to say something but Erestor dragged him off anyway. Also, Glorfindel's interjection didn't work. Edmund and Feanor bickered all the way up until panel time, which is why they were late and Galadriel was popping headache pills.

* * *

><p>Shouty Satyrfaun is a parody of Shouty man from Horrible Histories. And Narnian Dwarf is a parody of Victorian maid. Besides that one dwarf who acted as stand in while Caspian was sailing on the Dawn Treader, I don't trust Narnian dwarfs as much as Middle Earth dwarfs.

So, yes I was a bit lazy with commercials this week, I ran out of inspiration for them. Anyway next episode the models are doing the cover elf commercial and then it'll be The Top Four, then at the end the models will be cut down to THE TOP THREE! Are you guys excited yet?


	13. The girl with the fly swatter

Hello all my wonderful readers out there, I'm sorry I haven't been updating as much as I normally do, but: thanks for waiting!

* * *

><p>-Last week on Tolkien's next top model-<p>

Clips are shown of last episode, like a giant wave crashing into The Dawn Treader, Merry and Pippin pretending to be pirates and swinging from the rigging, the mini challenge runway, a shouty faun runs around shouting at _everyone,_ Aragorn beating the crap out of Merry for breaking the evenstar and lastly, Azog dressed in a pink tutu trying to do some voguing.

* * *

><p>-We now join the models after opening credits-<p>

The models are off visiting Archenland, possibly one of the stupider places they had ever visited. Seriously, Corin has _absolutely _no problems with his brother, who he has not even seen for like 10+ years, take his throne. It's just not that realistic. But, the models don't really care as Aragorn shows up after like 80 years and gets the throne for himself and the famous four (Sam, Merry, Pippin and Frodo) kind of rule the shire for a while.

Aragorn watched Nain, the king of Archenland run around pointlessly, "So…you're place here is called Archenland, yet, most of the people here aren't archers?"

"Nope!" Nain said, hanging upside down from a tree. "I'm a bowtruckle! Grrr! I will bite you!"

"So, do you guys actually do anything besides pretending to be tree spirits?" Merry asked.

"Well there was this one guy, a loooong time ago named Corin, he was a legendary boxer."

"He was a dog?" Pippin said stupidly, imagining a brown and white boxer in battle armor.

"No Pippin, a boxer like Rocky. Not a dog." Merry pointed out.

"Oh, that's disappointing; I would have liked to have seen a boxer doggy."

Aragorn rolled his eyes. "So Nain, if you ever have like Carolmene invade what do you do if you have no archers or from the looks of it, soldiers, knights, and sell swords?"

Nain dropped to the ground. "We just ask the Narnians for help."

"What if they don't help?"

"Erm, well it's never really happened before so we'd just kind of surrender. I think. There was this one guy called Corin, he was a legendary boxer. We could have used him if he wasn't dead." Nain looked off into the distance thoughtfully.

"So you'd just surrender?" Frodo asked.

Nain shrugged. Glorfindel dropped down from the closest tree. "Models! And really stupid ruler of Archenland…go away you." Glorfindel shooed off Nain. "Bloody weirdo." Glorfindel muttered. "And speaking of weirdoes, your challenge today is that you have to meet fans!"

The models screamed. Merry dropped to his knees and uttered a silent prayer.

"For the love of Aslan why?" Aragorn said.

Glorfindel shrugged. "Cause."

"Cause why?"

"Cause it's funny?" Glorfindel said, "Besides, it's getting late, we need to be meet the fans soon. _And _you still need hair and makeup…and wardrobe. Do you guys ever bathe?"

* * *

><p>So, about an hour later the models were sort of ready to meet the fans. They had security everywhere but they still had a bad feeling that one crazy fan would just have to jump on them.<p>

The first few fans to meet them were fangirls dressed up as various characters. "Hi!" one of the fans said who was dressed up as Legolas. Another fangirl behind her looked like she was going to faint from happiness.

Aragorn nodded slowly. "Hi, nice to meet you."

"Oh ma gawd! He talked to us!" And then the fangirl behind fangirl-Legolas actually fainted from happiness.

"Can we have your autographes?" Another asked, dressed up as Arwen.

"Where do all these people come from?" Merry asked Pippin as he signed a theatrical sized movie poster of _Return of the King._

"The internet." Pippin said in a spooky voice.

A little later on a fan –cough( Strawbaby Chick) cough cough- came right up to Frodo and asked "Can I glomp you?" With a completely serious expression on her face.

"What's glomp?" Frodo asked nervously. "Are you going to eat me?"

"No, I'm not going to eat you! This is glomping!" Strawbaby then proceeded to tackle and bear hug the life out of Frodo.

After a bunch of other fangirls had gotten their autographs, pictures and other stuff, the lotr fanatics were upon them. The fanatics are different from fangirls because they're not so "I want your autograph, babies etc. etc." But they want everything to stick to the book.

"Why are you so whiny?" Asked one of the fans to Frodo.

"Beg pardon?"

"You're all: Sam, go home, Gollum's not evil, oops, I got my finger bitten off out of stupidity."

"He has a point." Merry whispered to Frodo before smiling at one of the fans and answering whatever their question was.

"I'm not _that _whiny." Frodo said. The fan raised an eyebrow as if to say "yes you are."

After many other fans asked them stuff and blinded them with flashes from their cameras and possibly cracked several of the models ribs from hugs, Glorfindel leapt out in front of them.

"Good job dolls! Except you Frodo, you were very whiny."

"I am not whiny!"

Glorfindel held up his hand. "Talk to the hand cause the face AIN'T LISTENING!'

"Ugh, how long has that been lame?" Pippin said. Glorfindel shot him a look.

"Anyway, the winner is Merry, for being so chipper and eager to talk to fans. You know Pippin, it could have been you, but that little comment cost you a fabulous prize: a guaranteed spot in the top three. I hope you're happy." Glorfindel said and stomped off.

"I'm in the top three!" Merry shouted happily, "Can you believe it? _Me!_"

* * *

><p>The next day, the models were eating breakfast with the KAQON, Eustace, who the author took slight pity on, and Jill, because Jill is cool.<p>

"I'm in the top three." Merry said.

"Yes you've told us." Eustace replied.

"I know, but now you know, which means we both know."

Eustace rolled his eyes and looked as if he were about to stab Merry with his butter knife.

"Oh leave him, he's just excited." Jill said.

"It's sad to think that the competition is almost over." Lucy looked out of the window sadly. "I really like having you people over, it makes a nice change not being the only people from a world different from this."

"Yeah but, I'm sure Aslan will allow us to come back." Aragorn said through a mouthful of toast. Lucy looked at him mournfully.

"Stop beeeing so sad Luceee, enjoy it whilst you can. Itz better to have nice memories than bad ones." Caspian said, his Spanishy accent back slightly.

Pippin reached for a scone and stuffed it in his mouth, "Do we have that cover elf commercial today?" The other models nodded. "Damn. I know I'm gonna do bad."

"Commercials aren't that hard." Peter said. "You just have to be relaxed and happy."

Edmund looked over at Peter, "Easy for you, you're the king everybody _has_ to like you."

"No they don't."

"Yes they do, remember that one Calormene back in the Golden age?" Edmund asked.

"Well, he didn't like my shoes. I had to throw him in the dungeons-"

"For 13 years." Edmund rolled his eyes.

"I almost married a Calormene." Susan said.

"You almost married lots of guys Susan." Lucy shot her sister a disdainful look. Susan let out a dramatic sigh.

"It's true, but now the only person I want to marry is Legolas." Susan smiled dreamily whilst Lucy mimed being sick into her bowl of cereal.

* * *

><p>Glorfindel and Erestor met the models after breakfast at their commercial shoot.<p>

"Models!" Glorfindel said. "Today is the day; the day of the dreaded commercial. I hope you all learned your lines!" The models shuffled around nervously.

Erestor looked at them all questioningly, "So today, you have to have a cool, clear eyed look, also you're going to be wandering around looking fabulous because that what cover elf models do apparently. Just walk around with fantastic makeup on…all day….every day…."

So, after hair and makeup, Pippin was out first.

"Hello Pippin!" Glorfindel smiled, "So, today you're going to be walking down the street while the camera follows, you'll have to talk clearly and model, say all your lines etc, and then when you get to the doors over here you say the trademark lines thingys.

"And then we'll take some shots of you applying the makeup and smiling and stuff." Erestor added.

Pippin nodded though it was hard because he had about 2 inches of makeup on and fake eyelashes with DIAMONDS on them. 'Cause Pippin's just that awesome that he deserves diamond fake eyelashes.

"Want the covergirl look all the time, but don't _actually _have the time?" Pippin said to the camera whilst walking down the street, several actors placed at a table outside a café turned and did a double take when Pippin walked past. "Introducing: Dior ever last foundation and primer, oh, um I forgot the rest."

Erestor nearly smacked himself in the head with the clipboard, he sighed, "Ok, Dior ever last: holds strong, super lightweight, and actually helps skin look healthier when you take it off."

Pippin nodded. "Shall I start from the beginning?"

"Yes, please do."

"Bit more expression Pippin, less talking with the hands and then you're good to go!" Glorfindel said from behind the computer area.

So then Pippin did the rest of the commercial flawlessly until he got to opening the door. He was supposed to open the door, say the whole "easy breezy beautiful cover whatever" the door refused to open, and when Pippin finally managed to get the door open it smacked him in the face resulting in a black eye. Luckily there was a billion makeup artists on set that day so the swarmed him like fangirls at a convention. They covered up his black eye and gave him so much makeup that he looked like a clown, isn't that great?

Up next was Merry, who for some reason had been put in a _pink _dress. Glorfindel positively wretched when he saw Merry walk towards them in it, Erestor actually did vomit. (Ok, not all redheads look bad in pink, just most.)

The next time Merry came out of hair and wardrobe he was wearing a nice gold coloured dress. The stylist who had put him in the pink dress had been fired and was now being dragged out by security orcs and be thrown in the fires of Mt. Doom.

"So much better!" Erestor actually picked up Merry and bear hugged him. Glorfindel looked at Merry sourly.

"Erestor, put Merry down before he turns blue, that would clash horribly. So about your commercial today Merry, in a nutshell, you're at a café," Glorfindel pointed to the café behind him where Pippin had had to walk past in his commercial. "And you're significant other has just gone to go get, I don't know, café food and coffee or tea or whatever." Glorfindel flicked his hair in an agitated sort of way, but Erestor didn't get it, "You talk about how you're infallible lippy (lipstick) stays on through food and the like, then you pretend to take a sip of whatever you're drinking, smile, laugh, be all cute and modely and say your lines. Got it?"

Merry nodded, not wanting to upset Glorfindel any more than necessary. He sat down outside the café and waited for the cameras to roll. His first take wasn't very good as there was a bee on set that day and just had to come over and annoy Merry. The second take was slightly better, although a few lines were messed up. By the 7th take, Merry had gotten it down and ran off set before Glorfindel could death stare him anymore.

Aragorn's commercial was next. He had the same commercial as Pippin so it followed the same way too.

"Introducing Dior ever last foundation and primer," Aragorn said to the camera, "Holds strong, super lightweight and- Holy Crap! Bug! Bug!" Aragorn screeched. The bee was back and wasn't actually anywhere near Aragorn.

Erestor rolled his eyes, "Will someone please kill the bee already?" An assistant ran out with a giant electric bug zapper and smacked the bug. Unfortunately the assistant was a bit over eager and smacked Aragorn in the face as well.

"We're not wasting any more time on this, we've still got Frodo's commercial, pick up where you left off if you'd be so kind Aragorn." Glorfindel said, Aragorn nodded.

Erestor popped up on screen to talk to the camera, "I think Aragorn is holding back a lot. And not just because of the bee that's been here all day, but his face just looks a little dead to me."

Glorfindel popped up next to him, "And when he doesn't think he can do something, he gets all pouty and serious looking."

"So you can't see his eyes or anything." Erestor added. The scene then switched back to Aragorn.

"Super lightweight and actually makes skin look better when you take it off. Who wouldn't want that in their makeup kit?" Aragorn said to the camera. He wasn't looking where he was going though and walked straight into an extra.

Frodo's commercial was probably the easiest one all day. Originally he was supposed to be shooting the infallible lipstick commercial, but with those ginormous blue eyes, he was given mascara instead.

"For a model, every day is a fashion show; every day is an opportunity to be your best." Frodo proved his point by strutting down the zebra crossing in a busy street and all the cars stop, some of the people in the cars gawk at him. "You have to look good from head to toe, and we all want to look our best, so let's start with our eyes." The camera focused on Frodo's face for a moment. He sat down on a park bench and pulled a compact out from the hat, yes _the_ hat and started applying some mascara and eye shadow on. He looked into the camera and smiled, "New, Cover Elf collection: All in one. It's got your mascara, you're eye shadow and even a little booklet to show you the best way to enhance your eyes!"

Erestor and Glorfindel stared at him when the commercial was done. "One take?" Erestor said incredulously. "It took one take to get all that?"

Frodo shrugged, "I studied my lines and acted out what I wanted to do before hand, unlike the other girls."

Glorfindel was crying tears of happiness. "It was perfect! The lines, the outfit, the face! I'm so happy this is finally over!"

Erestor patted him on the shoulder, "He _really _hates doing commercials."

* * *

><p>-Back at Cair Paravel-<p>

The models have just gotten off the TNTM mega carriage, still wearing the outfits from the shoot and their faces still practically painted. Merry and Pippin went straight off to the kitchens as they were hungry again. Aragorn sat down on a comfy sofa in their little apartment type place and sulked.

Peter and Lucy poked his head. "What's the matter with him?" Lucy asked Frodo.

"He doesn't think he did very well in the commercial." Frodo said.

"Ooh, how did you do Frodo?" Peter asked. "We would have liked to have come and seen you guys but Erestor thought it would be distracting.

"I did fantastic!" Frodo answered proudly. "I only had one take; Glorfindel was crying tears of happiness."

Lucy and Peter turned to face each other. "You know what this means Luc?" Peter said in a very low and mysterious voice.

"PAAARRTTAAAAAYYY!" Lucy yelled.

And that was how the west was won, wait, that's not right. Ok and that was how Narnia had its biggest conga line ever and how everyone got drunk. Even the little baby chipmunks.

* * *

><p>-The very next day, at panel-<p>

The judges are all waiting impatiently for the models to show up. Peter and Susan were filling in as guest judges today because Glorfindel felt he could not deal with any more commercial drama.

Peter spun around in his spindly chair before stopping abruptly and looking at Galadriel. "Why exactly has Glorfindel had a breakdown?"

"Ooh, he just hates doing commercials." Galadriel said.

"He thinks they're too much hassle and drama. He told me he hates it because the models almost always forget their lines." Feanor said from down the judging table. "I think when Frodo did the now legendary one take; his little elf heart couldn't take it."

Susan drummed her fingers impatiently on the table. She was hung over, as was everyone else, but she'd had lots of coffee so now she was just annoyed and impatient. "Where are these damn models?"

As soon as she said that, the models were ushered in by several nervous looking assistants. Pippin rubbed his eyes groggily, Frodo tried to stifle a yawn and Merry threw up in a potted plant.

Galadriel eyed each of them wearily. "Models, I've been told there was a party last night." The models nodded.

"Now, this is an excellent learning opportunity." Feanor said.

"Yes, thank you Feanor, you're absolutely right, models, if this had been a party and a potential clients house or whatever, they do not want to see you drunk out of your skulls. You would not have been booked, so what is the lesson here today models?"

"Don't get drunk?" Frodo asked. Galadriel nodded.

"Right, we'll see… hmm, Merry first." Susan said. Merry walked or rather swaggered up to them, a bit like Jack Sparrow.

"So Merry, we were told that during your shoot, you had a little trouble with your lines." Peter said.

Merry nodded. "I was and I really did study, but you know the pressure of doing a commercial and all… stage fright." Merry's finished commercial showed up on screen. When it was over the judges turned their attention back to him.

"A word of advice." Feanor said, pointing with his pen at Merry, "If you mess up, do not swear. _Ever_. Just take a breath and start over, because this is the good part of the commercial."

"Well, luckily Merry is in the top three, so he has nothing to worry about." Galadriel said and waved Merry off.

"Next up, Aragorn!" Peter announced. Aragorn walked up nervously to them.

Aragorn inhaled deeply before saying very quickly, "I know I did horrible, I don't even want to see my commercial! I know my face was all brooding like and you couldn't even tell what I was modeling, but there was a giant bee! And it wouldn't leave me alone!"

The judges looked slightly shocked. "Thank you for telling us that Aragorn, and it was true, your face was a bit dead." Galadriel said.

Susan snorted, "No, it was downright horrible, I'm sorry, but it's true." Aragorn got as close to tears as he would ever get and left the room.

"You didn't have to been mean to him," Peter said to Susan.

"I did, his commercial was terrible. There's no way I could have sugar coated it."

"Whoa, has someone taken a page out of my book?" Feanor asked, "Who put you on the bitchy pills?"

"It's just her time of the month." Peter whispered.

"It is not!" Screamed Susan.

Galadriel stood up suddenly, "Ok, ok everyone settle down, Pippin let's see your commercial." The judges all watched Pippin's commercial on the mirror. Galadriel looked down at her notes. "Erestor and Glorfindel said that you were easy to work with and only forgot your lines a few times, but were rather upbeat about it all."

Susan beamed at Pippin, "You're so cute; I could just eat you up!"

"And let it go to your already chunk thighs." Peter mumbled. Susan shot him a death stare.

"My thighs are not chunky," She growled. Peter raised an eyebrow.

"Peter leave Susan alone or I'll have to ground you." Galadriel warned.

"You're not my mother and you can't ground a king."

"I can, I'm an elf. That beats mortal king any day of the week." Galadriel answered.

Frodo bounded forward, "My commercial next, my commercial next!" He shouted.

After watching Frodo's commercial, the judges all clapped. "Extremely well done Frodo." Feanor said.

"Not a single thing wrong." Susan agreed.

"Well, except for that pigeon photo bombing, but that's something that's out of the crews control."

"I think we have made a decision." Galadriel said. The judges nodded and Galadriel stepped out in front of the judging table with three photos in her hand.

"Right ok, winner of this week is: Frodo!" Galadriel smiled and handed Frodo his photo.

"Top three alright!" Frodo said and started doing a little victory dance.

"And Pippin, plus Merry's automatic place in the top three, so that means, and I'm sorry about this Aragorn, but you are out of the competition." Galadriel announced. Merry and Pippin ran over to Frodo and joined his victory dance. Aragorn hugged the three hobbits and Galadriel and then left to pack his bags.

* * *

><p>-Aragorn's last screen time-<p>

"I'm a little mad at myself for not doing better, but I was in the top four, so, that's pretty impressive. And anyway now I can go home and marry Arwen," He said to the camera, but at that moment Eowyn burst through the door.

"NOOOOO! LOOOVEE MEEE! I'll be a much better wife than her!" She fell to her knees and hugged Aragorn's legs.

* * *

><p>So it's all down to the hobbits now…<p>

* Just for the sake of it, we'll say Nain was the ruler Of Archenland at this point, it sounds better than "succeeded by unknown"

Also, as you guys may have noticed there weren't any commercials in this episode, that because the models had to do a commercial! But don't worry, the commercials will be back next episode.

Please go onto YouTube and type in "1971 cover girl commercial Cybill Shepherd" honestly, I could not stop laughing at the music in the background.


	14. The girl with all the single ladies

Last week on Tolkien's next top model

Clips of last episode is shown: Nain running around like the idiot that he is, Aragorn being pouty and getting smacked in the face with a fly swatter, Frodo's now legendary one take commercial, Pippin shooting his commercial and finally Aragorn going home.

-Back at Cair Paravel-

"I feel like there wasn't enough humor in the last episode." Pippin said.

"What?" Merry asked, picking himself up from the floor (he was coloring by the way) "What do you mean there wasn't enough humor."

"It was rather boring." Pippin said indignantly.

Merry rolled his eyes. "Pip, you can never ever be serious, can you?"

"No, but I can be hungry. I want some marshmallows."

"Look!" Frodo held up his coloring book. "I colored in a fairy! Isn't that cool! And look, in this one, I colored a wizard to look like Gandalf!"

"Frodo, you barely colored within the lines." Pippin pointed out.

"And here I colored in the council of Elrond! I gave Elrond blonde hair, just because, hehehe."

Merry and Pippin looked at one another. "Kitchen time now."

* * *

><p>We now join the models in the giant kitchens of Cair Paravel. It's late at night so none of the staff are up to get them food or anything. The models thought that it would be a good idea to get a whole load of junk food, throw it all together, microwave it and then see what happened. If it looked ok they'd eat it because hobbits have cast iron constitutions if not, then they'd use it as ammo next time they engaged in a food fight, mostly on .<p>

Merry walked over to the microwave, he was just about to open the door when suddenly a loud roar was heard. Merry backed up a few spaces, which was rather good thinking of him to do because if he hadn't the junk food monster that had leapt out of the microwave probably would have jumped on his face and eaten his face off or something.

Pippin grabbed a frying pan and swung at the monster when it tried to leap on him. Frodo ducked and tried to stab it with Sting, who was busy doing whatever Sting does. Then KAQON and Eustace all ran down to the kitchens and burst through the doors.

"Night Troll!" Pippin screamed and ran at Peter.

Peter put his hands on his hips, "Excuse me! It's called an overnight facial, geez. You think I look this good every day? Well I don't. We can't all be Prince Caspians!" Caspian shot Peter a look of deep disgust.

"What's that?" Edmund asked, pointing to the junk food monster on the ceiling.

"We're not sure exactly," Frodo admitted, "We were hungry so we wanted food, we got together all the junk food we could find and kind of threw it all together."

Merry nodded, "It's got marshmallows and donuts and crisps and ice cream and a bunch of other stuff."

"Pop songs, it's got pop songs in it." Frodo added.

"Ooh, that's why it's evil and trying to eat out faces off." Lucy said, looking up at the blob that was screeching like a cat. It shook a little fist and threw a glob of rice crispy treat at them. It missed thankfully.

"Sooo, how do we get rid of it?" Frodo asked.

Lucy shrugged. "I think the best thing for us to do is to feed it to the fauns."

"That's barbaric; you can't treat a faun that way!" Susan gasped.

"Fine, then we burn it." Edmund said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

The junk food monster then found it an appropriate moment to jump on an unsuspecting Eustace and….eat his face.

"Oh honestly Eustace, stop playing around, it's late, you should be in bed." Peter said, ushering the hobbits out of the kitchen then switched off the lights.

"If you're going to behave like a child Eustace-" Susan sighed. So they all just sort of left Eustace there in the dark kitchen, having his face being eaten off by a little monster. No one was particularly bothered.

* * *

><p>The very next day, Glorfindel woke them all up by swinging on a chandelier then jumping onto Merry's bed.<p>

"Hello models!" Glorfindel said and sat on the foot of Merry's bed. "I heard that you guys made a little food monster in the kitchens last night."

Frodo rubbed his eyes blearily. "Yeah, it sort of attacked Eustace."

Glorfindel pointed to his face and with the most serious expression he could muster asked: "Am I bothered." Pippin shook his head. "Good, because you models have a big day today. You're going to meet a designer and show off some clothes then you have to do an interview!"

The models stared at him, "We weren't told we had to do an interview," Merry said.

"Yeah, well we thought that it would be a good idea for you all to get some practice in that field. Modeling isn't just about taking pretty pictures and commercials and cat walks, you have to schmooze."

* * *

><p>Commercial time!<p>

We see something loom out of the darkness; we don't see exactly what it is because it has its back turned. Slowly it turns around and a pretty bad jingle starts playing in the background. Could it be? No. It's worse. Much, much worse. Something evil yet pretty cool at the same time.

A Legolas Barbie doll.* A young girl pops up behind it and her face lights up with happiness.

_New from (something that sounds like Mattel but isn't to avoid copyright) the Legolas Barbie. Yes, now you can own everyone's favorite elf prince._

"I love him!" The girl says and clutches her Legolas Barbie doll protectively.

_Dress him up in all his favorite outfits. _(The outfits he wears at Aragorn's coronation and at the council of Elrond are shown) _Take him for a ride in his brand new Oliphant _(I know you people remember that scene) _And introducing Mary Sue! Legolas' girlfriend, custom ordered to fit any fanfiction's writer's specifications! _(A very generic looking Mary Sue with huge endowments and a dress that would in no way protect her in an actual fight popped up next to Legolas. The young girl stared at Mary Sue for a second before popping her head off.)

_Also coming soon! King Aragorn and Arwen! The hobbits from the Shire! And Gandalf with color changing robes and hair in icy and warm water._ _Oliphant, additional outfits, Mary Sue and Mirkwood dream house sold separately_

End of commercial!

* * *

><p>We now rejoin the models standing in a studio apartment above a store with large windows. A designer and Glorfindel walk into view and greet the models. The designer in question is an elf. No surprise there.<p>

"Ok, models, here's our designer, Dior**!" Glorfindel announced. Dior looked at the models and smiled.

"Hello hobbits." Dior said. "I'm Dior, one of the most fabulous elves ever." He flicked his hair and did smoldery eyes that even had Glorfindel gawking. "You probably know me best as the ruler of Doriath and husband of Nimloth and father in law of Earendil the mariner, or lighthouse, whichever you prefer. Anyways, I was half elven, but because I'm even prettier than Legolas and the author just _loves _me, I'm back, with my own fashion house."

"Not called House of Dior." Glorfindel added.

"No, copyright laws and all that."

"So, models what do you think you've got to do today?" Glorfindel asked the models.

"Do a catwalk for Dior?" Pippin said hopefully.

"Mmm, sorta." Glorfindel answered. "Did you see the store downstairs?" The models nodded. "You have to do that and model in swimwear in the windows. So you'll be like living mannequins, only a lot more interesting."

Frodo's jaw dropped, "You mean strangers are gonna walk past us and stare at us and we just have to stand there?"

"No, you have to pose." Dior said and dragged out a rack of swimsuits, "Look, I designed these just the other week, once you put them on, you won't even feel insecure."

Merry was the first out of the changing rooms, he had been given a yellow halter bikini whilst Frodo had a zebra stripped top and black bottom with a sarong and Pippin got a striped twist top bikini with no straps.

"The model that does the best: wins!" Glorfindel said. "So, remember, no hoochie poses."

* * *

><p>So a little while later, the models stood on dais and looked at one another for a few moments. There was already a bunch of fangirls crowded outside staring up at them. Frodo, ignoring them, readjusted his sarong and started posing. Glorfindel and Dior stood on the corner opposite the store with a bucket of popcorn.<p>

"And then I said to him, "What's the problem? If you don't want to be serious then fine. But don't think you own me and can tell me what to do."" Glorfindel said and grabbed a fistful of popcorn.

"And then what happened?" Dior asked, taking a large swig of cola.

"I told him I wasn't going to play chess with him anymore. I hate it when people try and give me pointers on how to play. Argh, it's so annoying, and then he started making the king and queen go to marriage counseling. And _he_ was the therapist!" Glorfindel shook his head. "Oh look, one of the fangirls is holding up a sign. I wonder what it says." The sign said, "Marry me Pippin, I want your babies." By the way.

Glorfindel grabbed a megaphone from out of nowhere. "Ok models! Surprise throw in! Whoever can do the single ladies dance the best wins!"

Merry, who was in mid pose, fell over. Frodo stared at him and mouthed "are you serious?" Glorfindel pressed the button on the megaphone, "Yes, I am totally serious Frodo."

And then the music started. Thankfully, the hobbits had actually been practicing the dance with Peter, don't ask why, but they had. Merry was the best, he was the only one who did it sassy like Beyoncé, the fangirls almost died, a few had to be carried away on stretchers.

At the end of the song, the models got off the dais and Glorfindel and Dior parted the sea of fainting fans to talk to the models about their performance.

"Merry! Very good dancing! A little bit dead in the face though," Glorfindel noted.

Dior nodded, "also, you were on the verge of going from swimsuit to athletic wear. Unfortunately I don't think my consumers would want to work out in bikinis…"

"Pippin. Very good modeling, you had very natural posing and you looked rather serene."

"And Frodo." Glorfindel said, turning his attention to him. "You were just happy to be up there weren't you?"

Frodo shrugged, "I just pretended like I was at the beach."

"Well it worked," Dior said, "I would totally book you for a fashion show, or a shoot. You looked all fun in the sun, and I'm going to stop rhyming now."

"Yes, thank you Dior." Glorfindel stared at him for a moment, "So, our winner is: Frodo!"

"Yes! Woohoo! I won!" Frodo yelled happily. "What do I win?"

"You win…Dior's new collection!" Glorfindel announced and some of Dior's assistants dragged a rack of clothing in front of Frodo, ranging from jeans to sparkly tops and dresses too, all in Frodo's size. Merry and Pippin looked wistfully at it.

* * *

><p>-Back at Cair Paravel-<p>

The three hobbits are now back in their apartments, cause that's what it's called when you're in a castle, not a room, but an apartment, because it has to be all fancy like that. Frodo is parading around in his new clothes for Susan and Lucy and Peter as Edmund said he had better things to do. Merry and Pippin were still sour about not winning.

Quietly, Galadriel snuck into the room and stood behind them. They only noticed her when she cleared her throat.

"Hello models! I assume Glorfindel told you that you would be doing an interview, well the interviewee is me!" Galadriel smiled and sat down gracefully on the sofa between Merry and Pippin.

Merry looked nervous, "So, um, who goes first? We didn't get briefed on this…"

Galadriel shrugged, "Whichever one of you isn't completely afraid of me."

"Ooh, I'll go!" Pippin volunteered, "First question: is your hair real?"

"Of course it is silly hobbit." Galadriel smiled and flipped her hair, "I know many people would love to have hair as nice as mine, especially one of my relatives, but no. Not a single hair has fallen out of my head, and I've never cut it, in fact I think only Gimli got some of my hair."

"What kind of products do you use on your hair?" Pippin asked.

"Well, a wide arrangement but usually…wait, why are you asking Pippin, you don't even have hair."

Pippin blushed, "I know, but I use too. Besides, your hair is so pretty." He reached out to touch it and Galadriel shirked away.

"Ok, Merry ask me questions now."

Merry looked dumbfounded, "Oh, um…" he trailed off, Galadriel looked over at him and Merry got the feeling Galadriel was doing the mind reading thing she did so well. Merry burst into tears. Galadriel rolled her eyes.

"Right, we'll come back to you Merry, Frodo have you got any questions for me?"

Frodo straightened up, "Yes, I do. How do you maintain such a wonderful career in the modeling industry?"

"I'm an elf. Therefore I am ever young."

Frodo nodded, "And how do you maintain such an awesome figure?"

"I eat lembas. And lots of it."

"Kaayy, so, have you got any advice for fledgling models, like myself?"

"Why yes I do," Galadriel said and thought pensively for a moment, "Yes, stand up straight, be nice, be polite, don't ever trash talk someone in front of a client, if you gotta bitch, do it backstage where no one can hear you. And don't ever _ever_ forget to smize."

Frodo nodded, he was holding a hairbrush like a microphone, "And what do you think of my new dress?" He asked, speaking into the hairbrush/microphone.

"It's very pretty," Galadriel commented. Merry was still sort of crying in the corner of the room.

-Model confession time!-

Merry sits in front of the camera, "I just couldn't ask Galadriel a question. She just unnerves me! And now I'm all worried I won't make it to the finale and Frodo won't stop prancing around and I am going _to kill him_."

The scene switches back to the models who are now staring at Galadriel. She looks over at the three of them before saying, "Well, this is, um, getting a bit awkward, I'll see you hobbits at panel…"

* * *

><p>-At Panel the very next day-<p>

Feanor is playing with a Rubik's cube, Peter was filing down his nails, Glorfindel was pretending to read a book but really had a picture of Edmund in it and was mooning over him and Galadriel was channel surfing on the mirror, which doubles as a TV from time to time.

"Ooh! Home Shopping Network!" Galadriel squealed. The rest of the judges turned their attention towards the TV, the host, who was Denethor was advertising a funeral pyre for the "low low price of one son that you don't really care about because he's not as important as Boromir although fans absolutely adore Faramir," along with a sort of pretty woman with dyed blonde hair and a scary smile plastered on her face.

Faramir walked into the shot holding Antonio Banderas who since last time we saw him was now a lot bigger and a heck of a lot fatter. Faramir raised an eyebrow at Denethor before looking at the funeral pyre and shaking his head. The hobbits were now standing on the staircase so Galadriel shut the mirror off.

"Models!" Galadriel said warmly. "The second to last panel has arrived!"

Peter tried to peer over Glorfindel's shoulder to see his book, "Can we get this over with as quickly as possible? I've got a hair appointment with Rumil and I am _not_ going to miss it."

Feanor glared at Peter. "So, models met Dior this week and had to model bathing suits for him. In front of a shop window and tons of fangirls, that quick enough for you Peter?"

"Yes thank you." Peter said, missing the sarcasm.

"We'd like to see Merry first." Galadriel said. Merry stepped forward and saw on the mirror a picture of him in the shop window with a generic model pose and a face that was sort of dead.

"I don't like the photo." Peter said, "I wish I could, but I don't."

Galadriel nodded, "Your face looks rather dead and your hand on your shoulder looks like a claw."

Glorfindel rolled his eyes, "It doesn't matter, that bathing suit! Argh! I want one! You look so gorgeous in it!"

"Thank you," Merry mumbled and blushed.

"Right, Frodo next." Peter said. Galadriel looked at him.

"Er, that's my job peter." She pointed out.

"Eh, if you're going to be slow about it."

Frodo stepped in front of them. His picture showed up on the mirror, it was of him in the part where Beyoncé shows of that gauntlet thing of hers, his face completely serious but he remembered to smize.

"Fab-u-lous!" Peter cried! "I'm so glad we all worked out that dance, I knew it would come in handy!"

Feanor looked like he was about to throw up. He ducked under the table for a few seconds before straightening up, looking at Frodo and giving him a curt nod. Galadriel glance over at him.

"You'll have to excuse him, he gets sick whenever someone is too prissy." Galadriel said.

"Remember that birthday party for Orophin?" Glorfindel asked. Galadriel tried hard not to smile.

"The one with the balloons everywhere and the massive cake?" Galadriel asked.

Glorfindel nodded. "It was like a sweet sixteen but soooo much worse."

"I was sick for days, don't make fun of me." Feanor growled. Glorfindel poked him.

"Who can't stand happiness? Who can't stand it? You can't!" Glorfindel stuck his tongue out at Feanor. Feanor jumped up and walked out of the room.

"Ok, Pippin come on down!" Glorfindel said. Pippin did so, dancing.

"Stop that please Pippin." Galadriel said. Pippin stopped and looked up at them.

"Sorry, but I've got Single Ladies stuck in my head."

"We'll dance some more later, I promise." Peter said.

Pippin's photo showed up on the mirror. He had his hands behind his head and was staring out at nothing in particular but looked fierce.

"Again, totally want that bikini." Glorfindel said. "Man, I really should pay Dior another visit."

"I hate bikini season." Peter grumbled.

"I really like this photo Pippin; you look confident and like a model." Galadriel smiled.

"I like it but I hate you." Peter said. "You models and your figures, gosh what I would give."

"And here I was thinking it was Susan on her monthlies." Glorfindel said. Peter gawped at him.

"Ok! Deliberation time!" Galadriel said, sensing potential fisticuffs.

* * *

><p>-One deliberation later-<p>

The hobbits came back and stood on the stair case. Galadriel stood in front of the judging panel. "Ok, this is really tough, but it has to be done. Pippin, you're still in." Galadriel handed him his photo. Merry and Frodo exchanged nervous glances.

"So, the model that goes home is: Merry." Galadriel said sadly. "But we want you to know that we all love you very much and you are a wonderful person."

"And you made it to the top three, way to go!" Glorfindel said. Peter was on the verge of tears.

Galadriel held up a hand, "Also, we want you to stay here in Narnia until the end of the next episode. We'll tell you why later. But now, we shall DANCE!" Galadriel said and in a flash was now wearing a very ABBA like costume and for the last time this episode Single Ladies started playing. Peter jumped on the desk and began dancing. Merry and Pippin started dancing the tango.

* * *

><p>Also, no Merry does not get a "last screen time" because he'll still be around for a little bit in the next episode, which is THE TOP TWO! And then we'll have a winner, are you guys excited, I'm excited.<p>

* Yes I know that there actually are Lego Barbie dolls going round but as far as I can remember none of the LOTR barbies ever got their own commercial. Plus the Lego doll doesn't really look like Orlando Bloom. Sorry fangirls.

** I think I know the perfect person to play Dior if the Silmarilion were ever made into a movie/TV series cause it's a huge story: Finn Jones that guy who played Loras Tyrell in A game of Thrones. If you readers ever watch that. I always think that Dior is fabulous because of his name and that his mother is Luthien. And he's supposed to be FRIGGIN gorgeous and well male elves…prissy and so is Loras…I know most of you won't understand.

Note: it is so weird writing about hobbits in bikinis.


	15. The girl who is top model

-Last week on Tolkien's Next Top Model-

Clips are shown of the models making food in the kitchen, Eustace getting his face eaten off, the dreaded Legolas Barbie, the models doing the Single Ladies dance and Merry leaving the competition.

Frodo and Pippin are back in Cair Paravel and feeling particularly depressed. Frodo threw himself onto the couch.

"Merry's gone!" Frodo cried.

"I know, it feels like a part of me is just…gone. It's always been Merry and Pippin. Never just Pippin, I wouldn't have half the comedic effect I have if it weren't for someone else as silly as me. Then I'd just be a slightly annoying character that would have been easily overlooked by our lord Tolkien. Maybe I would have cropped up in another book like the unfinished tales or whatever but you can't keep Merry and I separated forever!"

"Yeah, cause you guys have a bromance, where Sam and I are on speaking terms, barely." Frodo added.

"What? I thought you liked Sam."

"I do, but he is just so annoying at times. All he wants to do is cook; call me "Mr. Frodo" all the time and have a bunch of kids."

Pippin grabbed a bowl of assorted candy and sat next to Frodo on the couch. "What's on TV?"

"I don't know…" Frodo said and picked up the remote and started channel surfing. "Ew! Did my hair really look that bad?" Frodo asked. On the TV were reruns of Tolkien's Next Top Model, the first 5 episodes.

"Ha, yeah. I forgot about that bottle of Tequila in the back of the bus." Pippin remembered fondly, "Oh, and the singing competition, hey, we haven't seen Eowyn in forever."

"She's back in Tolkien Verse." Frodo pointed out. Pippin nodded, grabbed the remote and switched over to watch a horror movie.

Right when the scariest part of the movie was coming up, like when the killer is about to stab someone, Glorfindel and Erestor magically poofed into the room, Frodo and Pippin threw the thankfully empty bowl of candy at them and screamed.

"Models!" Glorfindel yelled, "Um, what the heck are you watching?" He said turning his attention to the TV right when one of the generic young and attractive victims gets it and switched it off. "Well, um, you guys have a photo shoot tomorrow so um, well we just wanted to let you know."

"Sorry models, he doesn't do well with violence." Erestor said, looking over at Glorfindel with puppy dog eyes. "Tomorrows photo shoot is literature inspired so make sure you read up on your bard of Avon."

"Bird of Avon?" Pippin asked.

"_Bard _Pippin, not bird." Erestor corrected him.

"I'm pretty sure I heard bird."

* * *

><p>Later that day the models and the KAQON were down at the beach enjoying a very lovely sunny day. Edmund joined them after a while.<p>

"Where the heck have you been?" Lucy asked, getting hit in the face with the Frisbee she and Caspian were throwing.

"I've been off skulking." Edmund announced.

"Why?"

Edmund rolled his eyes, "Because you people are all stupid! And insane! And incredibly melodramatic, I can't stand you half the time!"

"Ooh, look a dead bird!" Susan said, pointing up in the sky.

"Susan, why would a _dead_ bird be _flying_?" Edmund asked his head in his hands.

"Because this is Narnia, and everything is possible in Narnia." Susan said snootily.

"All your dreams come true!" Lucy said with a stupid smile on her face. Edmund stared at her for a second before grabbing the Frisbee and stabbing it with a dagger.

"Speaking of birds, Frodo and I have a photo-shoot to do with birds." Pippin said.

"I do hope you get to be a toucan!" Peter said. "They're so colorful and have cereal with them all the time, if I was a bird, I would be a toucan."

"Pippin, for the last time, it was BARD of Avon. We are not doing anything with birds." Frodo threw a fistful of sand at Pippin.

"Ok, one, no getting sand in my ice cream, and two, how do you know we won't have to be posing with birds in the photo-shoot?" Pippin asked. Frodo was about to answer when Caspian yelled-

"Surfing!" And then ran off into the ocean with a surf board. Everyone then followed and attempted to surf, but none of them were very good at it.

* * *

><p>-The very next day-<p>

Our two remaining models get off the TNTM mega carriage, which is still being used despite it not being needed anymore. Glorfindel and –gasp- everyone's favorite photographer from episode four: The girl with the lion, TURIN TURAMBAR! Were standing outside of an old house, like the kind from around Billy Shakespeare period in Italy, those kind, the kind you always see in the Shakespeare movie, the ones that have balconies and extensive gardens and minstrels and jesters running around singing "trolololo"*.

"Models!" Glorfindel yelled, "Last photo-shoot of the competition! How are you feeling?"

Frodo and Pippin shrugged. "Well, as you dolls know, Turin is here again to take pictures! And the theme of this particular photo shoot is: Shakespeare!" Glorfindel said, pulling out the hat and shaking it.

"Why?" Pippin asked, "Why are we doing a Shakespeare shoot?"

"Because the writer's been watching "Much ado about nothing" again," Turin said with a dead serious expression on his face.

"The one with Keanu Reeves?" Frodo asked excitedly.

"We think so. Anyways, since we feel the need to torture everyone, you models especially, we shall be conducting a photo shoot with two of Shakespeare's characters." Glorfindel said with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Guess which two characters you to are going to be." Turin said.

Pippin scratched his head, "That one girl and the other girl, from that one play, that got…turned into a movie, or something."

Turin stared at Pippin, "Clearly, someone did not do the reading assignment."

"No. No I haven't." Pippin replied proudly.

"Ok! Ok! Commercial break soon! You!" Glorfindel pointed at Pippin, "You shall be Juliet Capulet! And you!" He pointed at Frodo, "You shall be our beloved Romeo!"

"But I can't sing, or play basketball." Frodo said, looking worried. Turin facepalmed and waved for some assistant to bring him some ibuprofen.

"Right! Then it's settled off to hair and makeup models!" Glorfindel clapped his hands and several excited elves rushed the models off to get made up.

* * *

><p>-Commercial time!-<p>

Aragorn appeared on the screen, standing on a beach somewhere and wearing a coconut bra and grass skirt, "Hello ladies," he says looking up into the camera, "Look at your man, now look at me, unfortunately your man isn't nearly as rugged and handsome as me, but if he stopped bathing and started using Elessar instead, he _could _smell like me."

"Look down," Aragorn said, "Look up." Aragorn was now standing in the middle of a battlefield in full armor with orcs and goblins hacking one another to pieces, "Where are you? You're on a battlefield with the man your man could smell like. What's that in your hand? Oh, I have it." Aragorn opened his palm, "It's a palantir with two tickets to that cruise you wanted to go on."

"Look again; we're now on that boat, sailing to the Grey Havens! Anything is possible when your man smells like Elessar and not a lady, I'm on a dragon." Aragorn said and was now, indeed riding on a dragon.

-End of commercial-

* * *

><p>"Jeez, I love that commercial." Glorfindel said wistfully.<p>

Turin raised an eyebrow at him. "What?" Glorfindel said, "He's so rugged and handsome, and he made it quite far in the competition." Turin continued to raise an eyebrow at him.

"What?" Glorfindel asked again. "Don't judge me! Don't judge me!" And he then proceeded to run off camera crying.

We now join our two hobbits in the wardrobe/makeup trailer. Haldir, Orophin and Rumil are back doing makeup and hair even though they tend to get a little excessive with decorations. Especially Rumil. That's why they now have to have Haldir in the room with them. So they don't go completely overboard, like they did when the models had to pose underwater and the runway where they had to pose with animals. Martha Stewart was still threatening to sue their butts.

Rumil had a French beret on and a striped shirt, in his right hand he was holding a paint brush and in his left, a wooden pallet. Did we forget to mention he also had a fake moustache on too?

Haldir leaned against the makeup counter with his arms folded across his chest. He was watching Rumil warily, Rumil kept looking over his shoulder, giving Haldir puppy dog eyes and Haldir kept shaking his head at him.

"What are we missing here?" Frodo asked, looking at the two brothers.

"Oh, Rumil wants to do some crazy makeup stuff." Haldir said nonchalantly, Rumil glared at him, Haldir stared back at him, "And I won't let him. So now he's sulking. Isn't that right Rumil?" Rumil refused to answer.

"I can't believe this will be like the last time we see you guys," Pippin said, flipping through a magazine.

"You can come visit in Lor- oh wait, you can't. Not until you destroy the one ring." Haldir said.

"What, I thought Frodo got rid of the ring, you did destroy it? Didn't you Frodo?" Pippin asked him.

Frodo jumped onto the makeup counter and hissed at them all, rather like Gollum, "My precioussss nones touches the preciouss but mes!"

Haldir remained unfazed. "M'kay, someone needs to take his meds." He grabbed Frodo around the waist and hauled him off the counter.

About a half hour later, Pippin was first out of makeup. He had a long brunette wig on and a dress (think Juliet's dress in the 1968 Romeo and Juliet during the ball but in blue) and so much makeup he looked like a clown.

"I feel ridiculous." Pippin said and sighed.

"No you don't, you look so cute!" Glorfindel said, "if only you were shortbread, I would eat you up!"

"Is that supposed to be a joke about Scotland and shortbread?" Pippin asked, "because if it is…"

"No! It's not a joke; I just like shortbread, jeez. Ok how about instead of shortbread, you're a crumpet instead?" Glorfindel replied.

"Make it a chocolate chip cookie with M&M's," Pippin said.

"Stop talking about cookies and get your butt up to that balcony," Turin mumbled while fiddling with his camera.

Pippin stuck his tongue out at Turin then climbed up the trellis to the balcony and stood there, looking, admittedly absurd and adorable at the same time.

Frodo leaped in front of Turin and Glorfindel and struck a pose. "I feel fabulous! Just look at my pants! Look at them!"

"Yes Frodo, your pants are very fabulous. But we're burning daylig-" Glorfindel began to say.

"No. I don't think you're getting it. Look at the pants. Look how good I look in the pants. Start weeping about how you wouldn't look nearly as good as me in the pants." Frodo said with a dead serious expression on his face.

"We know Frodo." Turin said, exasperated.

"Start weeping!" Frodo yelled. Several fangirls that were being kept at bay by body guards began to sob and faint.

"Start modeling more like it," Turin grumbled. Frodo hear him and channeled his inner Romeo, put a hand on his heart and held out his other hand. Pippin stood there scowling for a second before pretending to swoon.

"O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!" Frodo said.

"What?" Pippin asked, leaning over the balcony and looking down at Frodo. "Speak English man!"

"I am speaking English you fool of a Took!"

"No you're not; you're speaking crappy romance novel talk." Pippin objected.

"Pippin!" Turin shouted from behind the camera, "Both of you, back to posing NOW!"

Pippin and Frodo both mumbled under their breath and went back to posing.

Suddenly, like literally out of nowhere, Rowan Atkinson walked past the set in full Shakespeare regalia. And suddenly Shakespeare was standing there too, looking up at Pippin and Frodo. Pippin waved at him nervously, believing him to be some weird extra. Then as Rowan was so busy texting on his phone, he walked into Shakespeare and knocked him down.

"Oh terribly sorry," Rowan said and helped Shakespeare up.

"How DARE you walk into William Shakespeare!" Frodo yelled.

"The bird of Avon!" Pippin added.

"_Bard, _Pippin," Frodo said, exasperated.

"You're William Shakespeare?" Rowan asked.

"Yes, I am." Billy said, picking up a few papers on the ground. When he straightened up, Rowan stood there for a second before punching him in the face. Who knew Blackadder had such a mean right hook? Frodo gasped, Pippin cheered.

"That," Rowan said, "Is for every school boy and school girl for the next 400 years. Have you any idea how much suffering you are going to cause? Hours spent at school desks, trying to find one joke in a Midsummers night dream?"

Shakespeare stared up at him with a stunned look upon his face.

"_Years_ wearing stupid tights in school plays, saying things like "What ho my lord" and "Oh look, here comes Othello talking total crap as usual." Rowan turned away before kicking Billy in the shins, "And that was for Kenneth Branagh's endless uncut 4 hour version of Hamlet!"

"Who's Kenneth Branagh?" Bill asked, confused.

"I'll tell him you said that, and I think he will be very hurt." Rowan said before strolling away.

Billy looked at Frodo and Pippin, "Who are you two?" He asked, "And why are you so small?"

"Oh, we're hobbits Mr. Shakespeare, sir." Frodo said.

"And we have been made, against our will, to dress up as Romeo and Juliet, the blithering idiots, and made to do a photo-shoot." Pippin said.

Billy once again looked at Frodo and Pippin before looking over his shoulder at Turin, who was standing there drinking coffee nonchalantly and Glorfindel who waved cheerily at him. "Can this day get any stranger?" Billy asked.

"Why don't you know who I am?" Keneth Branagh yelled, running into the shoot wearing his Henry costume from Henry V. "I've been in several movies about your plays! I was positively charming as Benedick! And I was Gilderoy Lockhart! Everybody loved me for that!" Kenneth grabbed the front of Shakespeare's shirt, "Why won't you acknowledge me?"

"5 Narnian currencies that Branagh loses it and Billy goes insane." Glorfindel said to Turin.

"Deal." Turin said, and the shook on it.

* * *

><p>-Later that day, when the models got back to Cair Paravel-<p>

Pippin threw himself down on a couch; he was still wearing his dress from the shoot and had not bothered to take off the makeup. "Ugh, I'm freakin tired."

"Surprise!" Pippin's family jumped up from behind the couch. Pippin screamed and fell to the floor.

"Oh, I see all the times playing with your sister has rubbed off on you. Well, I can't say I'm too happy about that son, but as it is your life." Paladin, Pippin's father said.

Pearl stood there smiling like an idiot, "You look so pretty Pippin!"

"Thanks, but why are you guys here?" Pippin asked, slowly getting back up onto the couch.

"Galadriel thought it would be nice for the last two models to get to see their families one last time before the runway thing." Pimpernel said.

-Model confession time-

Frodo sat down in front of the camera and sighed. "I think it's great that Pippin's family got to visit him. I'm just a little upset that no one came to see me. I know both my parents are dea-"

"Hey! That's not true, you have me!" Bilbo said popping into the shot for a few seconds before Frodo pushed him out of the scene.

"Go away Bilbo! Gosh! You're only like my cousin or something that I happen to share a birthday with. Geez, shut up." Frodo said, doing a hair flick. "Anyway I took the weave out of my hair. No more black octopus on my head for me anymore!" Frodo shrugged, "We had to for me to play Romeo. Also, I don't think Pippin did very good this photo shoot, it's like he doesn't even get Shakespeare, what's not to get?"

To prove his point Frodo reached behind him, grabbed a positively gigantic book of Shakespeare and was about to read a passage from it when the camera changed scenes to Pippin and his sisters having a tea party and dressing up dolls.

* * *

><p>-The very next day-<p>

Frodo and Pippin are having breakfast outside on one of the many balconies in Cair Paravel. Peter and Susan were out somewhere in Narnia attending to royal business so only Edmund, Lucy and Caspian got to see them before their runway and the final judging panel. –le gasp-

They were outside that morning on one of Cair Paravel's many terraces as it was so lovely, Lucy sat there for most of breakfast, looking like she was about to cry, Caspian and Edmund however were their usual selves.

"And a rasher of bacon and 12 eggs and a muffin and a blueberry muffin and a scone and some wine annnd an omelet and…some pancakes and some peanut butter and jelly annnd" Pippin said to a very exasperated looking servant.

"Pippin!" Frodo yelled, "Shut up."

"What? I'm hungry."

"You can't possibly eat all that food," Edmund said, wearing sunglasses and looking like a total BADASS.

"Yes he can," Frodo said with a completely serious expression on his face.

"We need to do something memorable together before you guys leave, forever!" Lucy yelled, louder than was necessary.

Caspian passed around a plate of scones, Pippin took several, "We already have Lucy; we went horseback riding and surfing and watched lots of movies."

Lucy gave him a patronizing look, "No, none of that is memorable, we need to do something so memorable that they will write in down in history books for years to come."

"We could throw a massive party," Edmund suggested.

"No."

"We could…go hunting." Caspian said.

"No, the hobbits don't like hunting, you know that."

Caspian shrugged, "We could just stay here and watch more movies."

"No!" Lucy slammed her fist down on the table. "I'll tell you what we'll do: first, we shall build a castle out of Lego's, next we shall fill a swimming pool with _gold _and then swim in it, next, we shall prank call Susan and then Legolas, then we shall inhale lots of helium and then-" Lucy trailed off, "Well, I can't think right now, but when we're done with those things we shall do more things!"

"Like beat up Shakespeare?" Pippin asked excitedly.

"Yes! That too!"

* * *

><p>Commercial time!<p>

Two figures emerge from out of the darkness, both in armor and carrying swords. They reach the middle of a field, nod curtly to one another and then start trying to kill one another.

The scene switches, two (male) elves are having a catfight. The scene switches again; Gandalf and Saruman are having a break dance competition.

"The epic battle that has been fought for, er, a few decades, possibly," A disembodied voice said, "Poptarts, or Pillsbury toaster strudel, which shall be the ultimate best in toaster pastries/ breakfast food? You decided now at "

The scene then switches to a (hand drawn, animated) poptart eating a Pillsbury toaster strudel, the strudel's armor lying there on the ground amongst the crumbs.

"Please note that while cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies, it is not however, frowned upon in toaster pastry societies." The disembodied voice said.

-End of commercial-

* * *

><p>The models stood in front of a large stage that wrapped around pretty much the whole room. People were bustling about making sure chairs were set up in proper places and the plastic stuff on the runway they put on to keep it clean right before the runway starts was secured in place.<p>

Erestor and Glorfindel greeted the models.

"So, the final runway!" Erestor said, "Are you two excited?" Frodo and Pippin nodded.

"Good!" Glorfindel said, "Erestor, Galadriel, Feanor and I have all come up with the idea for the runway. Since we are in Narnia, and since the animals can talk here, we thought that we'd have a runway where the models were personifying animals!" Frodo and Pippin looked at him.

"Oh dear, I think it's time to break out the sock puppets." Erestor said. He suddenly had the hat in his hand and pulled out several sock puppets. Pippin gaped at him.

"What? You only thought the hat did names?" Erestor asked. He gave two of the puppets to Glorfindel.

"Right, so these two" Glorfindel held up his sock encased hands, "Are you two. You are both going to walk down the runway," He moved the puppets slightly to the right, "dressed up as animals, like a bird or something."

"I _knew_ birds were going to be a part of it!" Pippin yelled, "In yo face Frodo!"

"Yes, and these two," Erestor held up his hands, "Are Galadriel and Feanor, so we have to work extra special hard to make sure our walks are perfect. Got it?" He asked Pippin and Frodo, who were now playing with the puppets Glorfindel previously had.

"I'm top model!" Frodo said, trying to wrestle Pippin's puppet off him.

Glorfindel cleared his throat, "As much as watching you two do a puppet episode of this show is, we have another surprise."

"Surprise? I like surprises." Pippin made his puppet say in a high pitched voice.

"The other runway models are-" Erestor trailed off because at that moment; Merry, Legolas, Aragorn, and Elrond were all standing there, "Also going to be in the runway."

Pippin and Frodo squealed and bear hugged the ex-models.

-Cue another model confession time-

"I'm so happy they get to be in the runway show with us!" Pippin said. "And I get to see my bestest friend again!"

Pippin reached somewhere off camera and pulled Merry into the shot. The two of them looked at the camera and grinned like idiots.

Glorfindel waved his arms at the camera, "Hey! Enough model confession time! We have a runway to do!"

* * *

><p>And with that the screen went black. It started to get gradually lighter and we now can tell that there are people now sitting waiting for the show to start and the plastic cover has been taken off the runway. Glorfindel steps out, a spotlight from out of nowhere suddenly focuses on him. For a second, Glorfindel is blinded, but then he regains his sight, throws off a big black cloak he was wearing to reveal his outfit underneath.<p>

Made completely out of feathers. Well, this is after all a fashion show inspired by animals.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Glorfindel said into a microphone, "we are about to start the fashion show, we hope to delight and entertain you and all the regular preshow crap. So let's get on with the show!" Glorfindel handed the mic to someone, hoped off the stage and sat with the other judges.

Music blared; a model came out wearing antlers on her head. Another model stood at the foot of the catwalk in a mini dress that looked like it was made out of fish scales.

Meanwhile, backstage, Frodo was having a panic attack. Pippin, Merry and Aragorn were trying to cool him down by fanning him with the show's pamphlets but it wasn't working very well. Erestor sashayed up to them.

"What's the problem little chicks?" He asked.

"Frodo's having a panic attack!" Pippin said, "And he has to go on in like, three models time!"

Erestor rolled his eyes, "Is that all? Frodo come here love," Erestor pulled Frodo to the side, "Listen, in the world of fashion, this is really important, you HAVE to do this, so," Erestor slapped Frodo quite hard across the face, "feel better?"

"Yes. Loads actually." Frodo said then ran up to the stairs to the runway. He walked out looking absolutely fierce in a black dress with spikes on the back, so he looked a bit like a hedgehog or porcupine, whichever. He walked rather well, except when one model was coming down the runway and wouldn't move so Frodo had to stop and let the mean girl pass.

Pippin was next after Frodo, his outfit was a little less drastic than Frodo's, with a (faux) fur trimmed sleeveless jacket, hot pants, yes, hot pants, thigh high stockings and a long sleeved shirt. When he got the end of the runway and turned there was a little (also faux) fox tail pinned to the back of the shorts. His walk was also a lot better than it was earlier in the competition, though he stumbled slightly right when he was in front of the judges.

Elrond wore a jumpsuit decked with feathers in the back that made him look like an angel of sorts.

Merry wore a leopard print jacket and wore giant sunglasses which must have made it rather hard to see where to walk.

Aragorn was billed as a lion so he was given a dress with shoulder pads that had faux orange fur on them to look like a mane, extensions in his hair to also look like a lion's main. And his walk was fantastic! Because this time he did not have the tightest dress on in the world.

Legolas of course had to be something graceful and elegant, a fish since elves are freakin obsessed with the sea. Since his blond hair was now back and more shiny than ever before, no one even bothered to do anything with it, he wore a long dress that was just above his knees that was tight up top and flowing everywhere else, it was of course silvery and shiny and like Legolas' hair probably prone to set things on fire accidentally.

-Random cut to model confession time-

"I am so excited!" Pippin said, practically bouncing, "I look fabulous, my walk is killer, I'm with my friends again!"

Frodo now sat in front of the camera, "I think my walk was really good, some of the outfits were… a little strange but that's fashion isn't it?"

Next came the part where just Frodo and Pippin got to do the catwalk. Frodo stepped out wearing a furry hat with little bear ears on it, dark pants, a long jacket, healed boots and a one of those Victorian style muffs in black because he was supposed to be a polar bear.

Pippin, for some strange reason, was billed as a satyr and was given furry pants that came to his mid-calf, a headband with little horns on them, black booties a red scarf (like Mr. Tumnus') and a little vest because Pippin would not go out with the runway topless. Thankfully Pippin's runway walk was excellent, no tripping or walking like a pirate with two wooden legs.

In the last part of the runway, Frodo came out wearing another dress, this time it was a blue dress with a pencil line skirt, only when you looked closer at it you realized that there was a tiger face made out of dots on the dress, going from the neckline all the way to the bottom of the skirt.

Pippin was the last model, and was dressed as a jellyfish and was wearing a large sun hat with bits of gauzy material dyed blue and purple to look like a jelly's tentacles attached to the hat. He wore a blue flouncy skirt with more gauzy material on it and a top with a sweetheart neckline.

After the went the rest of the models came out one last time, walked the runway one last time to loud applause.

* * *

><p>-Commercial break!-<p>

A sock puppet pops up in front of the camera, it has a tiny little vest on and curly gingerish hair stuck to its head. "Hello, my name is Pippin, and I'm a fool of a Took who can't do anything right-"

Another sock puppet popped up, this one with a ring taped to where its neck would be and curly brown hair like whatever, "I'm Frodo, the ringbearer, I was made into a total wimp in the movies, I trust an anorexic maniac to guide me to mount doom."

"Pippin, you're ruining everything!" Frodo hit Pippin's sock puppet with his own.

"Hey, it's not my fault you have such poor judgment skills!" Pippin retorted.

"Whatever, let's just do the rest of the skit." Frodo sighed somewhere below the camera, "So like I said, I'm Pippin, I eat everything in sight, I never listen to anyone and I worked for a maniac who tried to burn his own son alive!" Frodo made the sock puppet say.

"And since I am the magnificent Frodo, I have hoards of gold and only nine fingers and my sexuality is constantly questioned-" Pippin made his sock puppet say.

Frodo's sock puppet tried to strangle Pippins. There was a lot of cursing going on from both parties and eventually Pippin was pushed into the camera causing it to fall to the ground and die.

* * *

><p>-We join the judges in the judging room-<p>

Feanor, Galadriel, Celeborn, back from breakfast food world, Glorfindel, Erestor and an empty chair sat behind the desk.

"Who's missing?" Erestor asked peering round.

"Special guest judge." Feanor said, not bothering to look up from his laptop.

"You need to put that away." Celeborn told Feanor. Feanor raised an eyebrow and went right back to surfing the internet.

Frodo and Pippin walked into the judging room, no one took notice however as the judges were all busy watching a video of cats.

"That one is so cute!" Glorfindel said.

"Man, I would love to be a cat, just for one day." Erestor added.

Frodo cleared his throat, the judges didn't look up, and he cleared his throat again, this time louder. The judges still didn't notice them, Frodo cleared his throat again.

"Do you need a cough drop?" Erestor asked in a bored tone.

"He's probably hacking up a hairball." Celeborn said.

Galadriel waved her hand and the judges sat in their usual spots. "So, last panel." She said, looking at the last two competitors, "You may have noticed that there is an empty chair, well, that would be because we have a very special guest judge."

Something came out from the door behind the judges table, it jumped onto the empty chair and began to lick its paw.

"Aslan!" Frodo and Pippin said in unison.

Aslan looked up at them, "Hello young hobbits."

Galadriel smiled, "Yes, Aslan is our last special guest judge."

"Speaking of judging, we should get on that." Feanor said.

"Right, we'd like to see Frodo first," Galadriel said, Frodo's picture popped up on the mirror, another cover Elf picture, usually taken somewhere in the last episode but never shown up until now. Frodo's picture was of him, looking directly into the camera with his amazing blue eyes a bit like Arwen on the cover of the two towers movie.

"Wow, eyes, amazing." Erestor said.

Aslan looked at it pensively and nodded, "You did very well."

"But your neck disappeared a bit." Galadriel told him.

Glorfindel rolled his eyes, "Who cares, he looks gorgeous."

Frodo smiled and walked back to the stairs whilst Pippin bounded up to the judges. His picture popped up on the mirror, almost doing a half profile shot whilst still looking into the camera.

Feanor shut his laptop off and looked at Pippin, "Generally I like it, but your mouth is a little clenched." Celeborn nodded in agreement.

Galadriel shrugged, "I think you look adorable as always, but your arm in the shot, looks a bit wooden. But I digress; let's have Frodo come up here." Galadriel stepped out in front of the judging table. The picture on the mirror faded away.

"So, the last two models stand before me. Frodo, we thought that your walk tonight was almost perfect, but you stumbled a few times. And Pippin, so bubbly and full of life, how could anyone forget you? The both of you came from the Shire, most people have never heard of hobbits, but you taught them otherwise. You've shown everyone that you don't have to be tall to be a model. So, the hobbit who is Tolkien's Next Top Model is-"Galadriel was about to say when Aslan purred loudly. She looked over her shoulder to see that Aslan was playing with a giant ball of yarn and that Glorfindel and Erestor were dangling furry cat enticers in front of his face. Galadriel shook her head.

"So, Tolkien's Next Top Model is," The camera zoomed in on the mirror, Pippin's picture appeared. Pippin screamed and Frodo smiled at him, a little hurt that he hadn't won, but all the same pleased for Pippin.

"Here he is, Tolkien's Top Model," Celeborn and Feanor sang whilst fanfare played in the background, carrying a large crown like the ones you see in Beauty Pageants or Miss (whatever) contests. The placed in on his head with reverence, "The greatest of the models, and also one of the smallest." Feanor handed Frodo a large bouquet of flowers and gave Pippin an even bigger one.

Pippin wiped tears from his eyes and waved to the viewers at home when suddenly Jadis AKA the white witch emerged from the shadows, ripped the crown of Pippin's head and ran off with it, cackling. Aslan looked up from the floor at her, gave a loud roar and ran after her. The judges all followed too, Peter and the other KAQON drew their weapons, let out the signature battle cry "For Narnia!" And ran after her too. Frodo and Pippin shrugged at one another, threw the flowers over their shoulders and went to go witch hunting.

* * *

><p>Where you people going? Story isn't over yet, there's still the after show reunion with all the models! So, if you guys have any questions or comments, now is the time to ask! But if you were wondering Lucy <em>hates <em>Billy the Bird of Avon.

Also, the next chapter probably won't be up for a while, got relatives coming over to visit.

* I personally like to believe that minstrels and jesters, because there is a difference (the profession really should just be rolled into one) go around in their comedy hats and bells strumming a lute and singing trololo, plus I find that video way to amusing.


	16. Laser tag reunion

Hey guys, I'm really sorry for not updating in a long long time, I would tell you guys a massive sob story about why, but you're not here for that! You're here for the story!

* * *

><p>The screen was black, dramatic music started playing. A figure rises out of the mist from a removable floor panel dressed in white, the figure is wearing a white veil, and the figure peels it back to reveal: Galadriel!<p>

-Cue intro-

Erestor and Glorfindel are now on the screen, wearing tiaras and holding sceptres.

"Welcome!" Glorfindel said, "to the Tolkien's next top model reunion episode!"

Erestor nodded, "The models will be joining us in a moment, but first we feel the need to show you an obligatory montage of all the great moments in this season!"

Clips are shown of Frodo crying in various areas, Gandalf drinking tequila and setting things on fire, Gollum being tied to a support beam with duct tape and left there for hours. There are also various models shown being eliminated and Faramir holding Antonio Banderas. Finally there is a montage of the models walking down the runway with a zoom in on each of them before their names pop up next to them.

Glorfindel and Erestor are now seated on a cream sofa whilst all of the contestants are sitting on high chairs. Glorfindel and Erestor have a bowl of popcorn in-between them, Erestor is eating in nosily.

"So guys," Erestor says through a mouth full of popcorn, "let's talk to our winner, Pippin, first. What's life been like since the show?"

Pippin, who now looks exactly like he did before the show, sits there next to Merry looking very happy, "Well, er, it's been great; I've had lots of ads and commercials. Everything's been really busy, but I've gotten to meet loads of new people and Merry has been completely supportive this entire time."

"Are you guys getting married?" Glorfindel asked.

"No," Pippin replied, looking rather annoyed at that question.

"Did you expect to win at all?" Erestor read off a card.

Pippin rubbed the back of his neck, "Er no. Not at all, thought Frodo if anyone would w-"

"Yes, I thought I would win too!" Frodo interjected. He had sunglasses on even though they were inside, and a little fake dog in a purse. He flipped his hair and looked lazily at his nails, "But of course I didn't. I mean, I'm not bitter at all. As we all know _gingers_ have no soul. So I'll always have that over Pippin."

"M'kay. You little diva," Erestor mumbled. "Now let's talk to our first eliminated contestant: Gollum. How do you feel after the elimination?"

"Precious felt very offended. Precious deserved to be given more of a chance," Gollum said, perching on his chair.

"You were crap and you know it!" Grima yelled at him. Faramir rolled his eyes. "I was amazing! How dare you people eliminate real talent?!"

"Sweety, you wouldn't know real talent if it hit you on the head and tap-danced across your dead corpse in its underwear." Aragorn said nonchalantly. Boromir sniggered behind him.

Glorfindel shuffled the cards around again, "Ah, ok. Here's a good one. Eomer is it true that your hair isn't naturally blonde, unlike Legolas'?"

"What? No, my hair is 100% naturally blonde!" Eomer said touching his hair nervously.

"It isn't." Legolas glared at the other blonde. "It's dyed and you know it. I've seen you at the salon."

Eomer leapt out of his chair. "Well at least I don't spend hours every day looking at myself in the mirror!"

"I'll have you know I only spend 1.2 hours in the mirror ever day thank you very much!" Legolas said, flipping his hair.

"Show off!" Frodo yelled.

"Oh shut up Frodo! Everyone knows that you're just jealous of me!"

"I am not!"

"You so are! That's why you wanted to take the ring to Mordor so badly! Because you just couldn't stand being shown up by someone who's actually prettier than you!"

"Mister Frodo is way prettier than you!" Sam said defensively.

"Yeah!" Merry and Pippin chimed in together. Eventually everyone was arguing who was prettier: Legolas or Frodo. Faramir punched Gollum in the face and Grima cowered in a corner. Sam had his frying pan and was trying to hit people with it. Elrond jumped in the middle of the fighting.

"Stop!" He yelled.

"No, this is really entertaining." Glorfindel said. He attempted to eat some more popcorn, but the bowl was empty. He passed it to Erestor. "Can you go make some more popcorn please while we go to commercial?"

* * *

><p>Commercial!<p>

* * *

><p>Erestor passed the popcorn bowl to Glorfindel and sat down on the couch with a tub of ice cream. The ex-contestants had finally calmed down at Elrond stabbed Gandalf with a pen and Gandalf incited they all do the Macarena until they all felt better. Frodo was crying slightly and Sam had his arm around Frodo, glaring at Legolas who now had a black eye.<p>

Glorfindel ran a hand through his beautiful hair and chucked the cards away. "You guys are so freaking crazy. I give up."

Just then a random fan ran onto the stage.

"Season 2! Season 2!" She yelled, shaking Glorfindel. Erestor kicked her in the shin to get her off.

"Back off bitch! We haven't got anything planned for certain yet but with the rise of the hot dwarf population we may have to!"

"Ohmigod, have you seen Thorin Oakenshield, he is such a babe." Glorfindel said sounding like a teenage girl. The fan was promptly taken away by security guards.

"So, Faramir, still got Antonio Banderas?" Erestor asked him. Faramir nodded.

"Yep. Look how cute he is!" An image of Antonio Banderas popped up on the screen playing with a ball of yarn.

"How, er, cute." Glorfindel said. "Legolas, how about you and Susan? Wedding bells anytime soon?"

"No!" Legolas yelled. "She is so weird! Everywhere I go there she is! I found her sitting on the edge of my bed once and she keeps stealing my stuff I don't know what to do anymore!"

"Kill her." Boromir suggested. "Hey what about Aragorn and Arwen? Trouble in paradise?"

Aragorn stared into the distance, "Arwen is…how do I say this? Boring and she has no personality. Like all she cares about is what shiny new thing she can have and being better than everyone else. Just last week I bought her tiffany and it's not good enough for her. Oh no, now she has to have a new tiara and a new dress. It's mad!"

"That's my daughter you're talking about," Elrond said, his arms crossed.

"Do you want her back? I should have married Eowyn instead."

"You can't have her!" Eomer threatened, unsheathing his sword.

"Yeah! She's mine!" Faramir added.

Erestor and Glorfindel looked at each other and sighed loudly. "Hey guys, wanna do something fun?" Erestor asked.

"Like what?" Legolas asked.

"Shopping, or like ball pit or laser tag or something." Erestor shrugged.

"Water balloon fight!" Gandalf yelled, throwing a massive balloon at Frodo, soaking him completely.

* * *

><p>Commercial break!<p>

* * *

><p>The models are all standing in a giant gymnasium full of climbing equipment and ropes. Each model has the laser tag guns and the jacket thing to keep the score points. Erestor and Glorfindel walked up to them, both wearing the jackets as well.<p>

"There's 15 of us." Elrond pointed out.

"True." Erestor said and pulled a lever on the wall, a floor panel opened up and Gollum dropped down somewhere, screaming. "Look. Now we're even."

"Let the game begin!" Glorfindel yelled.

The models scattered in all directions, not knowing who was on whose team, instead just running for it and shooting at everyone. Sam fell down into a hole and was left there whilst Pippin climbed up a rope and stayed up there shooting at whoever came near.

"I can't do this!" Boromir yelled, falling down.

"No! Brother you can!" Faramir tried to pull him up but couldn't.

"Leave me here to die!"

"Ok." Faramir said, letting go of Boromir's arm and walking away.

"What? You're just gonna leave me here?"

"Yep. You're Sean Bean. You'll survive."

"How could you?!"

Legolas is running, looking around corners in full stealth mode. He peered around a corner looking very cautious. Susan ran out from nowhere and full on tackled him.

"Found you future husband!" She yelled, hugging him.

"Argh! Susan, get off of me! Aragorn! Help!"

The scene cut to Glorfindel and Erestor running along the laser tag maze. "So uh, you and Edmund." Erestor said, turning around and shooting Grima before he could shoot them.

"What about him?" Glorfindel asked.

"Do uh, do you two see each other often?"

"Not really." Glorfindel said. He stopped running and stared at Erestor, "You're jealous aren't you?"

"What? No I'm not!" Erestor said, but his voiced betrayed him.

"Oh my gosh, you are! Why didn't you say so?"

"I am not jealous!" Erestor said defensively.

"You so are."

Erestor sighed, "ok, maybe I am. You were always spending time with him and I missed my best friend. OK?"

Glorfindel smiled, "Aw, all you had to do was say so!"

Gandalf burst through ruining the moment, "I thought I was your best friend!" He shot Glorfindel before running off.

The game ended when basically everyone had gotten tired out or left for "dead" by everyone else. None of the teams won as none could figure out how the game really worked either. Galadriel stormed into the room.

"You guys were meant to be interviewing them!" She said, looking at Erestor and Glorfindel.

"We did, but it got boring!" Glorfindel answered, his arm linked with Erestor's.

"Yeah, we got enough coverage for it to run though!" Erestor said. Galadriel raised her eyebrow, shook her head and walked out of the room.

"Who wants to go get some pizza and other miscellaneous food items?" Aragorn suggested. Everyone yelled in agreement.

* * *

><p>As they all walked out of the gym there was a faint cackling somewhere in the distance. The white witch popped up on the screen, still wearing the crown. She smiled into the camera creepily before Pippin hit her with a 2 by 4, knocking her out. He picked up the crown and put it on his head.<p>

"I was wondering where that got to."


End file.
